It’s okay not to be okay

Last year sucked. Last year was awful, to be honest. It was the year I lost my dad to a long, painful and emotionally shattering battle with cancer and I was, and am still, not okay.

By Mikael Nilsson

I had just become a dad; Designit had trusted me to take on a new role; and for well over a year, I traveled to and from Sweden on as many weekends as I could to say a drawn-out goodbye. There wasn’t enough of me to give to everyone that needed a part, but I tried and nearly broke myself in the process.

For me, coping with all of this meant going to therapy to help me deal with guilt, sadness and a great deal of hopelessness. I started my sessions just a month or so before my dad decided to throw in the towel, so it turned out to be good timing. It gave me a head start on beginning to acknowledge and sort through emotions, worries and thoughts. I don’t fully understand the extent of what therapy did for me, but I know it was good. It made me realize that the first step to taking responsibility for my recovery was acknowledging that I wasn’t okay. With this and some honest conversations with my people leader (thanks Kjersti!) and closest family, I’ve worked on finding my feet again. I’ve made great progress. And it’s this reflection I want to share with you today in case it helps someone else take action to look after themselves or others…

Untreated mental health problems account for 13% of the total global burden of disease. It is projected that, by 2030, mental health problems (particularly depression) will be the leading cause of mortality and morbidity globally.

What does okay look like?

Sometimes we have the luxury of not thinking about our mental health. Other times, it creates huge barriers between us and the things that are usually achievable: getting out of bed, doing a good job, being a good parent, or being able to show those who are important to us that we love them. For reasons known or unknown, people might be fighting inner demons, struggling with sleep, crippled by anxiety, or suffering in other ways. In the UK, 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year, and while these statistics aren’t (luckily) increasing, the ways people do deal with their mental health is taking a turn in the wrong direction — self-harm is on the rise, and suicide is still at an unacceptable level.

Mixed anxiety and depression has been estimated to cause one fifth of days lost from work in Britain.

If someone were to break a leg, we’d immediately help them up the stairs, encourage them to work from home, or perhaps share our own war stories. But people can be broken in ways that aren’t visible. What does poor mental health look like? What do we say to someone who’s shared with us their problems with depression or eating disorders? How can we help someone who struggles with something that we don’t fully understand? Why might we feel that it’s difficult to tell people we’re not feeling well, and need to pull the emergency break?

Not being okay has to become okay.

It was Father’s Day in the UK recently, and it’s soon the anniversary of my dad’s passing. Sunday and Monday of that week were tough, so Monday I worked from home. I postponed a couple of meetings and worked from my bedroom on my own. It allowed me to have lunch with my son and to put him to bed for his daytime nap, which helped me get through the day. I had to prioritize my well-being and I think both myself and those around me were better for it. I’m okay with not being okay.

The World Health Organization estimates that for every dollar invested into the treatment of anxiety and depression, there’s a fourfold return in improved health and productivity.

There is a growing consensus that mental health issues have to become normalized. Concepts like mental health first aiders and mental health sick days are becoming common language in organizations who realize that investments in these areas are delivering serious ROI beyond simply being the right thing to do.

Are you part of the revolution? If not, then I urge you to start your journey to becoming a supportive employer, colleague or leader. Here are some things you can do:

• Make it clear in your policies that you care about mental health. Talk about it as you talk about any other type of wellbeing.
• Consider using well-being budgets to promote mental wellbeing.
• Give people the tools to identify warning signs and the confidence to discuss these topics more openly.
• Make being sick with stress or anxiety as acceptable as fighting the flu. Promote openness around these things–we can’t afford to keep up the taboo.

In the UK, companies like Sanctus (who inspired some of this text), Hedroc and Spill are proving that organizations are waking up to the fact that psychotherapy should be as obvious as physiotherapy when it comes to employee benefits. You can’t run a business if its people are broken. It’s okay not to be okay.

So, let’s talk about you. Are you okay? If you weren’t, would you let someone know? If you are a someone who oversees employees in any capacity, are you making sure that your people are okay? We need to rely on one another to create workplaces where people can take good care of themselves.

Some tips from me:

To everyone:

• Be kind to yourself. You should be your biggest fan.
• Find ways to recognize when your mental health is not okay. Pressure, stress and low amounts of anxiety can be expected for most of us. But if these things begin to seriously affect your life, it’s not okay. Get to know your warning signs.
• Exercise your mental health. Seek out therapy, take walks in the forest, meditate, or do anything else that works for you. Experiment! You don’t do the same exercise routine in the gym for your whole life, so try something different for your mental wellbeing, too.
• Don’t suffer in silence. If you’re struggling, speak to someone who you can trust. It’s a good first step, even if they aren’t trained mental health professionals

To managers and HR folks:

• Talk about mental health. You don’t need a psychology degree to care about and support others. Taking action can be as simple as asking, “Are you okay?”.
• Be open minded. Mental health doesn’t look, act, feel or behave in one certain way. Anyone can go from sitting on the top of the world to falling to the bottom very quickly.

To leadership teams:

• Care for your people. You are trusted with the most important thing your company has: your people. Look after them, care for them and protect them.
• Dare to be vulnerable. Talk about how things affect you. We know you’re resilient, strong, and a role model, but you are primarily a fellow human.
• Build a safety net. People are, or will be, affected by mental health issues in your place of work. Guaranteed. What are you doing about it?

Look after yourselves. ❤️