The Maternity Leave Paradox

My water broke while I was leading a workshop. I ducked out for a moment, then returned to finish the meeting before heading to the doctor. So much for planning…

Actually taken in a client’s parking lot, pumping while eating a lunch I bought at Walgreens, along with mascara since I didn’t manage to grab my makeup kit that day, and while prepping for a meeting. (That’s a breast pump for the nOObs.)

Two months ago I gave birth to my third daughter. I’m also one of four Partners in a software design firm. Since this isn’t my first rodeo, I planned realistically for my maternity leave: no taking off 2 weeks early (obviously) only to be out of work for 4 weeks before the baby even shows up, and making plans for easing back into work before I’d even gone. I read up on how other working moms were bushwhacking their way through at It’s Working Portrait Project. Fail-safing my company and removing myself from critical tasks was as important as laying in newborn diapers and getting some casseroles in the freezer so we didn’t starve.

This “self-obsoleting” was a bitter pill to swallow. From a professional perspective, my Partners are incredibly capable and competent, and I’m always striving to meet the very high standards they set. I want to stay on track in my career and with my companies’ success. From a personal perspective, I have bled and sweated alongside my colleagues for more than 5 years, and so in some ways my company is my “baby” too. I care very much about the employees we have at DesignMap. And frankly, as a single mom it is imperative that my company be successful. Food on the table, bacon in the pan, and what-not.

But as I planned for my leave I couldn’t help but wonder if, by doing what was best for DesignMap, I wasn’t also proving to myself and to my company that I wasn’t integral to its success.

If I planned my maternity leave perfectly, wasn’t I also paradoxically proving to my colleagues and myself that I was completely unnecessary? Shoot.

While apparently logical, this is also entirely unacceptable. I’m sure other parents who’ve taken parental leave have the same feelings. How can we (or at least I) think differently about this? Or even make taking leave an advantage in ones career? Surely many women and men who take parental leave worry about this? How do they think about it? Some thoughts of my own…

Reframing

Remembering that your planned obsolescence (or my Partner’s better word, redundancy), is not long in the scheme of your employment. Sure, you’re building in redundancy for a few weeks or months even with the most generous policies, but some of the things you can’t make redundant are also things that matter longer-term, and also arguably most important. For example:

• Relationships with clients, colleagues, managers and employees
• The (presumably) years of experience you bring to the job
• Perspective, the unique point of view that you bring to decisions

Another reframe to consider: the other time you work to make yourself redundant is when you’re leveling up. Passing tasks on to the folks being promoted behind you is a wonderful way to use your time, never mind if you’re bushwhacking your own promotion as the head of a company!

Redefining

This is the most interesting challenge: can I make being out of the office for 6 weeks not only not a disadvantage, but actually an advantage for myself and my company? Absolutely.

First, I can take advantage of this time to reorient to strengths and opportunities. Two weeks before I came back, I emailed my Partners and the other colleagues who had taken on some of my workload. I asked them to think about five questions:

1. Was there any point when you thought, “Thank God Audrey is coming back, so that…?” What was that?
2. What, if anything, did you take on from my workload and have been thinking, “I can’t wait until Audrey gets here to take this back from me”?
3. What, if anything, did you take on that you’re enjoying and that you’d like to keep?
4. Is there anything I used to do that didn’t have an owner while I was out, but needs picked up again?
5. Is there anything that has been rolling around without an owner that I can take on?

(The first one may be somewhat redundant, but is meant to be very broad. Maybe it’s “When Audrey gets back, this meeting will be too long again,” or, “When Audrey gets back, I’ll be glad to get those walking meetings going again,” whereas the last four questions are obviously more task-oriented.)

The first thing I did on my return was to meet with everyone I’d emailed. Understanding where they valued my help and what I could leave alone helped avoid conflicts and focus me. Because they all know me well, it also told me where they perceived both untapped opportunity and my skills as a fit for those opportunities. (Unlike hiring someone who you believe to be a fit for opportunities.)

This is kind of an inverse job interview — rather than them interviewing me (an entirely unknown person) to see if my unproven skills are likely a good fit for a predetermined job description, it’s the reverse: I (a well-known person) am interviewing them to see what new job description we can create together that would best suit the needs of the company and my proven skills or potential.

The Advantages of the Sidelines

This Medium post, however, is also good example of another advantage: tackling strategic projects. Before I find myself in countless meetings and while everyone is used to the idea that I’m not around, it’s a great time to get those not-urgent-but-important projects done. Research, training, documentation, brilliant side projects that will pay big dividends but no one has time to do? Sign me up!

But Not This…

But not this one: Before I went on leave, I thought one advantage I’d come back with was fresh energy. Energetic new mom? Not so much. Evidently the sleep deprivation caused me to forget how energy-draining my first two newborns were. Multiply that by some unexpected challenges during my daughters’ birth and lingering health issues and I really didn’t have that bursting-with-go-get-’em that I’d imagined.

Added to that, DesignMap’s success and my colleagues’ taking on some of my workload meant many at the office were pretty much nose-to-the-grindstone. My popping in with my attempt at cheery enthusiasm wasn’t appreciated, and in fact pretty counter-productive. I needed to quickly correct my “energy” into more focus. But peppy wasn’t of much value to anyone.

Moving Forward

We have great gender diversity at DesignMap, and plenty of parents, but for several years until a few months before my leave, I was the only mom. And the person I had to aspire to was, as Clark Scheffy says, the leader I wish I had. I hope putting this out there is helpful to others.

With this reframe, I’m moving into my third week, still working on keeping these things in mind but excited about the reframe. I’d love to hear how others have thought about and succeeded with this, especially with all the parental leave in the news these days (love these Medium articles on Why Mark Zuckerberg is the kind of dad America needs now and Oh Sh*t. Your top female talent is pregnant.). Please reach out in the comments below or to me directly. I look forward to hearing from you!