How Kink Taught Me to Love My Body

Like a lot of young women in their teens and twenties, I grew up feeling very uncomfortable in my own skin. By most “standards” I was too big — my thighs were too fat, my arms were too chubby and my boobs were definitely too enormous to be considered desirable. I was an early bloomer and it showed. By the time I was 13 I was sprouting curves all over the place.

Photo: Maria Vaorin. Model: Sandra Gansweid.

I got unwanted attention from boys and later from men who seemed incapable of looking me in the eye for longer than a second before their gaze would inevitably drop to my cleavage. I became a tomboy to evade the male gaze, wearing baggy pants and wide T-shirts to make myself as unattractive to them as possible. With success — the harassment decreased as I became a wallflower.

But becoming invisible came at a price: it was hugely damaging to my self-esteem. In a world where young women are taught that their looks are what matters most, I was convinced I was unimportant because I was unattractive. I started to hate the curves that I felt were the cause of my problem.

And it just got worse as I got older. My boobs grew and grew until all I could wear were matronly cover-all bras in various shades of beige. How I lusted after the bras my friends were wearing — cute, colorful, frilly, sexy.

Photo: Maria Vaorin. Model: Sandra Gansweid. Bra: Pique Lingerie.

The turning point came when I entered the BDSM scene. Even though I was horribly shy, I had always been curious, especially about things that were taboo. I just had to know what goes on there. So one day I summoned up all my courage and went to a fetish party. And I came out thinking “wow”.

Never before had I seen women of all shapes and sizes engage in pleasure so freely. Not one of them was self-conscious. I saw wrinkles, scars, cellulite, muffin top, saggy breasts, big bellies, thunder thighs…and it was so beautiful. Their most amazing asset was confidence.

Being stereotypically attractive wasn’t important. Instead, your desires, fantasies and how you click with a potential play partner were much more relevant.

Photo: Maria Vaorin. Model: Sandra Gansweid.

Soon I became a regular, cautious at first until curiosity got the better of me and I started experimenting. With each party, I gradually shed my inhibitions (along with various items of clothing). Seeing women with “imperfect” bodies like mine gave me the courage to do things I could never have imagined — both in terms of wearing things I thought I could never pull off and in terms of sexual exploration. Slowly, I started letting go of the body issues I had carried with me for so long.

I was able to enjoy sex and kinky play more and more because I was no longer preoccupied with how I look. I could focus on physical sensations, on opening up to experiences and letting go instead of thinking about how much my boobs sag or how big my thighs are. And I realized that the more confident I was, the more I could indulge.

Photo: Maria Vaorin. Model: Sandra Gansweid.

I wanted to share this experience with other women who might be struggling with their bodies the way I did, and encourage them to embrace their passions. You can’t enjoy your sexual freedom when you’re worried about how fat your belly looks or if your vajayjay needs lifting. When you strut into a room in full confidence that you’re hot as f#ck, you will take what you want and not stop until you’re satisfied.

This is the feeling I want to impart to others.

Stay tuned for Part 2 where I talk about what I am doing to encourage women to embrace not only their bodies but also their kinky side.