Scene: a hotel room in the Mission district, San Francisco California

Date: February 22nd, 2008

I haven’t told the world about that day but perhaps this is the day to do it. That was the day where my world shattered. It is a date immortalized in time. It is one that few know about but have no problem bashing me for its aftermath.

Let’s back up the story a bit though…

My marriage had been falling apart for a long time. Probably since it started. Friends and peers across thousands of miles of distance had all seen it coming. He wasn’t right for me. But no one could have prepared us all for why.

I noticed (and didn’t) how broken I was becoming with my marriage. I slept more. I smiled less. But that day in February? That was the day my heart shattered and fell apart.

And it’s a day that several people have rained their own doses of horrible about.

For Festivus, I want to tell you… this is entirely way too screwed up of a society we live in sometimes.

But back to the tale…

San Francisco was hosting the yearly edition of its Game Developer’s Conference. I had made the trip up there to look for another job. I had lost my previous job due to the physical abuse and the fighting that had kept me from getting to work on time. I had been attempting to save to get out of there as he had been the primary bread winner.

On that date back in February I had been up North after having been physically, emotionally, and financially abused. I was tired and worn.

And no one gave a crap.

My ex husband called me and told me the following:

“I took the kids and moved away. I’m not coming back. Have a nice life.”

He got away with it then. Hell my family helped to make it possible. He’d taken my children and ran off with another woman.

I was told by my family that he was justified in doing it. After all what mother wants to pursue a career and go out on occasion and not just be a housewife?

Society told me that day that being an independent woman is not acceptable. It was not allowed to want a balance of freedom and strength when you have children.

Unfortunately, as of this drafting, years later, society’s views have not changed much.. and things have changed so much.

Fast forward a bit through the years in this cliffs notes summation of events-

-He took the children to be with a woman whom was thought to be barren. He’d sent her pictures and conspired with his family as well as mine. The whole time everyone, including this woman were encouraging them to all “stick to the goal.” He knew exactly what he was doing and had no qualms about it.

-He then proceeded to take them as far away as he possibly could from me, the person with very limited funds and no vehicle.

-He told me that I “was nothing before him and would be nothing after him.” That I was “destined to be a welfare mother.”

-He jumped states not once, but twice. The first time was right before Christmas that first year. At the time (unbeknownst to me) I actually had custody. (It had been granted to me by default with my divorce.)

-He did not respond to phone calls nor letters. He never released me information whom treated my children medically- whom their pediatrician was nor their daycare provider.

-And the worst part of it all: he told my children (who were babies at the time) that someone else was their mother.

You would think that this would be the part where you saw a sign that someone cared. That someone might help me fight. Instead what I found was that more people would speak horribly about me. I would get talked down to about my choices not to be standing in a welfare line at the “chance” I’d have my children reunited with me. Every asshole had an opinion and everyone that seemed to chime in seemed to be an asshole.

And all of this? It started with one asshole. It’s the nature of how our society is as a whole. One asshole that has a ripple domino effect on the rest of the world.

My grievance this Festivus is about how, for how unified and connected we are as a whole, we are just about as equally completely disconnected. We are quick to chime in our opinions when we are assholes or when people participate in actions outside of the norm but we desert each other when things are hard. It’s easier just to look away than really acknowledge pain and heartache. It’s someone else’s problem and they should deal with it.

Don’t understand how it relates to my story? Let me help you a bit more.

I was an abused woman. Pure and simple. It didn’t matter that it was my husband. Most people are abused by someone they know and are close to anyway. I was raped. I was pushed around. I had the pictures to prove it. Where was the help?

“Help” came from people whom were so concerned that instead of extending their arm to help me themselves, they left it for someone else to handle. The system takes the abused by the hand and punishes them even more for it. Now the abused has to prove that they are alright with, you guessed it, even more tests and costs. Oh you want to fight this person? That will cost you more than some people make a year. You also need to do this and this and this…

At the time where you feel the mountain may be unclimbable, they add more and more height to what you must overcome. It’s no secret and even those who work within the system acknowledge that it is wrong.

So why do we do it? Why do we raise pitchforks at anyone who is different? Why do we hide and place blame on people who are already going through enough?

Because we “care?”

I am forever thankful to those individuals who didn’t partake in the mass punching bag tactics that society and loved ones have over the course of the years. To the ones that saw the spark return into my eyes as I hid from the tears and pushed and pushed at the boulders in my path with scarred limbs. .. and didn’t let me stop fighting even when I screamed that I felt like I wanted to. Sadly, these people are not the common ones. They are unicorns in more than that they are magical and full of color themeselves.

This Festivus I implore you to reach into your hearts and think about a time where you thought you were caring but did the exact opposite. Will you be the person who sees the homeless person and complains about how they are a drain on society or will you be the person who extends a hand or lends a smile to brighten their day?

Choose to be someone who cares not only this season but all year around with a sincere heart that is bold enough to do the uncommon thing and.. understand with true compassion. There should be a lot more of you out there. Stop being so damn afraid and perpetuating the cycle. This is how the world gets healed after all… not by pointing fingers or shoving eachother in shit.