Falling in love taught me to love myself
Over the past few months, I have spoken alot about dating and relationships with my friends. Most are in their twenties, a lot of them haven’t been in a relationship. (Disclaimer: me neither!). They’re either happily playing the swiping game, or were lucky to have serendipitously met their significant other (I’m talking about you team Osteopathy!).
When Perpetua asked me to contribute to Detox Your Heart, I was at first excited and then a little nervous — after all, I’ve never been in a proper relationship and perhaps lack the experience of other writers on this empowering platform.
However, I do have experience in the discovery of a relationship, which I believe is more important than any other relationship in ones life — the relationship with oneself. I know most of you probably can’t hear the ‘just love yourself’ stuff taught by life coaches anymore.
But I’ve found that self-love and the ability to enjoy your own company really forms the basis of long-term happiness. I learned this the hard way. .
My Journey
It started over a year ago, when I moved to Berlin for an academic placement.
It was an unusual flat share, with two lovely family friends in the fancy Kollwitzplatz, which I was grateful for. But we were in different life stages — they’d just retired, and I’d just started my first job. Then I realised my placement did not align with my strengths and interests, leaving me feeling unchallenged.
Above all, going from a blooming social life in London to not knowing anyone (except for my awesome rickshaw world champion cousin, I ❤ you Tilli) was tough.
Spending weekends alone in The Ivory Tower, I started losing my hair (fuck, psychosomatics!), as my disappointment with myself grew everyday.
A friend suggested Tinder. In hindsight, it feels silly to believe a dating app would make me feel better, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
And I did meet someone I could connect with after a couple of dates. Simply being able to share my unusual interests felt exhilarating, as though I was finally seen for who I am. But he moved country soon after, and this was followed by a year of dating random people.
My new record became a two week ‘relationship’ with an opera singer, whom I realised was a narcissist, and I ended things.
But I was hung up on Tinder Guy — the one who got away but always stayed in touch, telling me about the amazing girls he was dating.
I spent six months yearning for any shred of communication from him. As I placed him on a pedestal, that gave him only one option. To look down on me. And yet this fed my lack of confidence. I became obsessed with trying to appeal to him, even though I KNEW I was being a crazy, hormonal maniac, who had completely lost any sense of rationality. Thank you evolution for making us humans behave like utter idiots to force us to procreate!
A few months older and hopefully a little wiser
I’m happy to say I’ve finally put myself out of my misery.
That self destructive, downward-spiralling of disliking myself.
One of the main sources of heartbreak and unhappiness is the feeling of not being good enough. We’re often super hard on ourselves, harder than we would probably ever be on anyone else in our family or circle of friends!
Now, when you fall for someone — the exciting bubbly feelings of infatuation that light you up when someone ‘gets you’ — any feelings you already have towards yourself become multiplied.
My mind tricked me, projecting all sorts of desirable attributes into this one, unique person. And then I realised, we are partly attracted to another because we see something in them we desire to see in ourselves.
I was captivated by Tinder Guy’s confidence, sense of purpose and drive. And so I badly desired a relationship for wrong reasons, to look for my confidence, sense of purpose and drive.
Fishing in the concrete
Except that I was looking in the wrong place.
I took myself for granted, seeking love from everywhere and everyone.
And I forgot to look in the most fucking obvious place ever — within myself.
Today, I’m absolutely convinced of the unwritten law, that you’ll be treated the way you treat yourself.
And treating myself so badly for so long, of course others took me for granted. A toxic spiral, indeed.
Your turn
While it took me heartbreak, tears and endless conversations, you don’t need the same pain. If you somewhat relate to my story, then sit down NOW, grab a piece of paper. And plan.
Plan what? You may ask.
Plan your own, personal perfect day.
Consider what makes YOU feel happy — not your friend, not your partner or crush. What you genuinely enjoy doing.
The first step to falling back in love with yourself is to learn what makes you feel good.
Then, mark a day in your calendar and do it.
We are stuck with ourselves for the rest of our lives, like it or not. So let this be yourself revel in this rewarding investment.
Engaging in regular perfect days made me realise how happy I actually am on my own. Serve me tea, scones and put me in the Victoria &Albert Museum, and I’m a happy camper!
Second, become aware of what you tell yourself on a regular basis. Most of us have these inner voices in our head, telling us “I’m not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, I shouldn’t have done XYZ”.
I started practising self-compassion by consciously listening to my thoughts, and realised just how self destructive they were. The Bible says ‘Love thy neighbour as thyself’ — I doubt most of us would ever say such judgemental, harsh things to our neighbours!
Instead, observe your thoughts and whenever you catch yourself thinking them again, stop for a second, take a breath and tell yourself — “Hey, there it is again, my song of the week! Thank you for showing up again, I know you mean well, but, I also know that I’m a strong independent woman / man capable of achieving anything I put my passion and energy into, see ya!”
As silly as it sounds , you regain power over your thoughts, become more patient with yourself and start realising, surprise, I’m not as dumb/ugly/silly as I think I am!
Last, I realised that the source of my heartbreak was not a feeling of being rejected (which does suck, a LOT). I realised that I was, in fact, rejecting myself!
I was so busy trying to please everyone, that I forgot about my unique strengths, burning passion and glorious female power. So I decided to forgive myself.
For treating myself the way I did and for letting myself be treated by others in the same way. This was the hardest step. Forgiveness does not happen from one moment to another; it takes time, patience and dedication. I’m still not entirely there yet. And it’s okay.
I’ve also come to terms with the fact that life is pretty amazing and full of love if you open your eyes to it.
Wherever you are in your discovery of self-love, enjoy the journey, smile, treat yourself well and start celebrating what you are instead of obsessing over what you are not.
You might not believe it now, but, you are uniquely wonderful and worthy of (your own!) love.
