I am a survivor of abuse. And I have been thinking.
What many of you are feeling right now about the Kavanaugh confirmation is what I have felt as a victim of abuse.
* Confusion as to why he was able to reap rewards and validation even after there was such strong evidence/credibility as to the accusations.
* Frustration and anger that allegations were not properly investigated.
* Shock that his clearly obvious lies were accepted as truth — even in the face of common sense knowledge as well as witnesses who could say otherwise.
* Diminished and devalued as a person, as if my experiences and suffering meant less than the “potential suffering” and “baseless accusations” of my abuser (against me, the “system”, his claiming “victimhood”)
* Absolute panic and the sensation of “spinning out” in that I felt at a loss in terms of trusting what I thought were my moral and ethical compass — and it not only seeming to be a farce, but it feeling like a movie and slipping away into an alternate reality of right/wrong that I could not control.
* Anger. The red mist that overcomes oneself at the realization that one’s safety, point of view, experience, value as a human, rights, and sheer survival are completely reliant on the subjective views of other people with agendas and views of their own and that objectivity — true objectivity — does not exist.
I’ve been seeing posts of people losing sleep, being worried, panicking, experiencing symptoms of trauma, suffering in terms of their own mental health. And asking the question:
“WHAT THE F#@/ DO WE DO?”
In this area, I think it would do good to look to abuse survivors for some guidance. Here is what I think should be done:
1. Most importantly: Self-care. You HAVE GOT to make sure you are ok. You have to get enough sleep, exercise, eat right, bathe, and take care of yourself. This means — take a facebook/news break for a day (or two or ten) and center yourself. Find yourself again, and connect to your center.
2. Acknowledge your suffering, pain, confusion and that of others. Send Dr. Blasey a letter thanking her. Send Anita Hill one. Send named trailblazers of the #metoo movement thank you notes. Get out of your OWN pain, and thank someone else for opening theirs up to the world and paving the way for the swell that is currently happening.
3. Research and join ONE cause. Dedicate yourself to THAT cause. Fundraise, rally, recruit and give it 100% of your efforts. Too many scattered efforts lack focus, and lacking focus will decrease your own motivation and the innate rewards you get from joining a cause.
4. SELF CARE. (Yes, I’ve repeated it. THAT is how important it is.) Limit the giving of yourself to preserve your emotional and physical health. Make sure you have a bath. Do not fixate. Do not buy the hype. Value yourself. Meditate. Have mindful minutes. Even if your mind races — stop. Breathe. Decompress.
5. VOTE. For PETE’S SAKE, VOTE. Drive someone to the polls with you. Organize a bus for the elderly/poor in a lower income area to get to the polls. Prior to that, organize getting their ID if there are restrictive voter laws in their areas.
6. Take on the appearance of your enemy. Perhaps this is controversial, but to beat your enemy, you must become like your enemy. I am not saying to become unethical, but you must befriend them, and think like them. Open your mind to their thinking. Watch videos and speeches of opposing views/rhetoric and digest it. Attend rallies and see what makes them tick. You cannot fight them if you are riling them up.
7. Stay calm, measured, calculated and purposeful. Anger is an excellent initial motivator, but in the end, only carries you so far. Exhaustion is at the end of anger — and where anger is the only/primary motivator of action, it is my experience that motivation and focus tend to drain/lose steam. Reserved perseverance is what wins races, and for that, you will need your anger/sadness/emotions to dissipate and turn to purpose.
Take my word, but recovering from the narcissistic/abusive blitzkreig that we, as a community/world are all going through right now is no small task. You/me/we must preserve our strength because there is a long term war to win, and our health and strength must be our primary focus. We have lost this battle, but must regroup, get healthy, acknowledge and process our triggers and rise to fight another day.
Be good.
