Why The Church Won’t Recognize Abuse
As a therapist and advocate who specializes in recovery from abuse, I have been witness to many stories of how survivors were treated by their church elders and pastors. I can tell you that some church leadership understands the complexities of domestic abuse, but sadly, many more leaders are doing incredible harm to survivors. I do not believe the damage is always intentional, but rather stems from commonly held ideals that are ultimately creating environments where abusers are given “grace-passes” and the victims are left carrying the full responsibility for saving their marriages.
There appears to be significant blind spots within the western evangelical church when it comes to abuse, and how leaders effectively counsel within the context of toxic marriages and abusive people. Survivors of abuse deserve to receive safe and informed care from their religious leadership. Unfortunately, this is not currently happening in many of our houses of worship in the United States.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? Magical thinking.
Far too many congregation leaders are teaching what God can do to change the abuser’s heart, and are providing far less instruction on what the abuser must do to be a reflection of Christ’s character to his or her family. The focus is placed on everyone but the abuser.
Leaders tell survivors that they must pray more if they want to see their abuser changed, that it is their duty to remain steadfastly committed like Hosea did to Gomer in the Bible and that God can change anyone if enough people are praying. Where are the lessons about the abuser needing to repent and permanently turn away from their harmful lifestyle? Where are the teachings about the natural consequences when we mistreat other people and personal accountability for a changed life?
Instead the survivor, and even God, are held out as the only tools of how the abuser will be redeemed and made more Christ-like, even though the abuser does absolutely nothing concrete to be different.
It leaves domestic abusers ultimately off the hook and those around them left to adjust to these poisonous behaviors. The idea of wanting change for an abuser, when not trying to personally heal, is borderline magical thinking.
Recently, I was in a church lobby and a few people were standing around talking about a well-known public figure who exhibits abusive behaviors. One person said, “God is going to get a hold of him!” and another said, “He doesn’t know it yet, but God has a great plan for his life.” Of course, I had to interject and ask what the abuser might think about God getting a hold of him. I asked what evidence we can see of a changed and repented heart that was previously toxic. I shared my great concern with this small group of people in the lobby that they wanted salvation and healing for the abuser more than the abuser himself may even want it. At what point have Christians crossed over into dangerous wishful thinking that inhibits their ability to have eyes to see and ears to hear?
It is very naive and unhealthy to project positive character traits on abusers that they do not possess and may have no interest in obtaining.
If they did the hard work to become a new creation, then sure, we could join them in celebrating. But to hold out hope for an abuser who shows no lasting signs of change is like hoping we walk out our front door to a brand-new sports car while refusing to show up to work every day. Unfortunately, no one has the power to change an abuser simply by wishing or praying for it to be true.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? Power.
Power is a strong factor that influences people to remain in denial about abuse going on around them. When toxic people have the ability to get us what we want, we are sometimes sadly more inclined to look the other way of unsavory character traits. Many times, the worst abusers are the same individuals who show up to church every time the doors open. They are seen as pillars in the community, or at least useful to the church in some form or fashion. These powerful abusers are given a quiet pass when concerns are raised about their treatment of their families. People say things like, “I know him, he would never do the things his wife told the pastor.” You can change the gender and the message is still the same when the abuser is a female. Power or the acquisition of something church leadership wants will, and has, caused many to justify abusive behaviors. They often utilize the magical thinking mentioned above and decide that the abuser will get better with God’s help, even though the abuser shows no signs of authentically seeking God what so ever.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? The covenant of marriage is being held in higher regard than the safety of a spouse and children within an abusive marriage.
I know churches where someone can repent of horrendous crimes against people and be accepted within a congregation family but another church member discusses dissolving their marriage because of abuse, and that person will be literally shunned by church leadership and other members. The concept of marriage is held to such a high standard that in some places of worship, it does not matter that evil is being perpetrated within the walls of the family home. Why do some church leaders cling so tightly to the idea of all marriages must remain intact? I think there are two reasons and the first is that sometimes radical things do happen and terrible marriages are restored. Harmful behaviors are addressed and forever changed. Church leaders love those stories of how one of their ministries or own counsel redeemed a family that looked hopeless. However, not all toxic marriages will go through a 180 shift, just like not all prayers for a sick person will result in a miraculous and spontaneous healing. Sometimes the body dies and some marriages die as well.
The second reason that churches cling onto saving marriages, even when one spouse is literally dying within the poisonous environment, is because the church leaders believe that without strong marriage as a foundation, our country is doomed. These leaders want to hold onto the concept of traditional marriage so much that they are literally willing to pretend a marriage is reflecting God’s will even when they know it is a fragile house of cards. This sort of thinking perpetuates the fake billboard living that many complain about when it comes to modern Christianity.
What can we do when we are worried about the church and its response, or lack of, to abuse in marriages? We first need to educate ourselves and then set out to educate our local church leaders. We need to find books that have been helpful in our journey to understand what abuse looks like in all its forms and share those books with church leaders. We need to walk alongside a survivor of abuse and tell them that we will not spiritually abuse them. We will not use scripture to justify the harm that is being done to them and we will not place the burden of change on them either.
The church should be a sanctuary of hope and healing. Until abuse within Christian marriages is properly handled by all churches in America, we are failing in our calling to carry each other’s burdens and be the hands and feet of a God of justice.
