The Challenges For Pastors’ Wives
And a call to action.
As I’ve become more involved in the conversation regarding female leaders in the church, one perspective that’s stood out to me is that of pastors’ wives. Women married to pastors are really at the epicenter of this conversation, because they are tasked with unique responsibilities and, often, expectations they never asked to fulfill.
The research behind Developing Female Leaders involved sending out a survey to over 1,200 women currently leading in ministry in some capacity. Their feedback revealed a lot. Pastors’ wives shoulder unique challenges: church members expect things from them. Men — and women! — have certain biases against them.
On top of external pressures are the expectations these women hold for themselves! For example, if a woman considers herself a strong leader, the challenge of how to synthesize her own giftings with those of her husband arises. Oftentimes, pastors’ wives end up living out the leadership of their husbands, without fully realizing their own calling within the context of being married to a church leader. This can breed frustration, insecurity, and confusion about her own role.
On the other hand, if a woman doesn’t consider herself a leader, being married to a pastor can result in a lot of pressure to do things and be someone that doesn’t always line up with her true identity or giftings.
I have the greatest respect, and my heart goes out, for women who are pastors’ wives. On top of caring for those in their church, and caring for their husbands and families, they shoulder the burden of trying to define who they are in a church system that, historically, hasn’t always done the best job of assisting them in that exploration.
In Developing Female Leaders, I make the point that Christians ought to consider one another as individuals. Regardless of who we’re married to, we have our own gifts, callings, and purposes. While God calls us to come together and help each other achieve those callings, church union is never meant to eclipse anyone. Instead, the Body of Christ is meant to refine and celebrate each of us as we pursue Christ more and more fully!
Pastors’ Wives: don’t let anyone convince you that your identity in Christ is secondary or that it doesn’t matter. You are who you are, married to your spouse, for a specific purpose. You are God’s best for your husband, and have unique things to bring to the table.
For the rest of us: Let’s create less awkwardness for pastors’ wives: let’s let go of the biases and expectations that don’t line up with who they are. Let’s see them as individuals, and give them the same freedoms that we all desire in pursuing our God-given callings.
