Curb Your Altruism (and Expectations)

Whenever I got devastated as I failed to make a relationship and spilled it out to my friends, their responses had been always the same: “Don’t expect too much” and “You’re just too kind”. I started to believe that those were true. Even though that I had already knew, I still hardly handled it. I was helpless. I needed some concrete actions.

So one day I sat, I mused, I wrote down all the things happened when I had expected too much and been too kind. Later I also wrote down all things and cardinal things I could do to limit those altruism and expectations.

Why expectations and altruism?

They are interchangeably connected. As you’re being kind, helping people, making sure they are not in difficulties, you must have been expecting your kindness would be reciprocal— even just a little bit. But on the other behalf, one answer of how you can tackle being expecting too much is to be altruistic. Yeah I know it more sounds like a paradox.

The contemplation brought me to some principal concepts in curbing expectations and altruism, as listed below.

How (NOT) to Expect

1. Be consistent. All these actions below will be in vain if you are not consistent. Period.
2. Do understand that people have flaws. We are imperfect creatures. So if you expected something on someone and they do (or can) not fulfill, it may be caused by their imperfection.
3. Be realistic. Unrealistic thinking of something might happen is like hearing sirens singing: is will seduce you only to be drowned.
4. Expect nothing in return. Do good, even it turned out that you did not get the good back.
5. Do not assume people will read your mind. Speak. Tell them specific things you want.
6. Get over yourself and don’t romanticize things. Just because they compliment you doesn’t mean that they’re into you. Admiration is not the same with affection.
7. Limit usage of “I wish” and “I hope”. Those two are so cliche and demanding. You may be allowed to use alternatives like “It would have been better if …”

How to Limit Your Altruism

1. Don’t stop being nice. You will punch me on the face after seeing this because this is the tips how to limit your altruism. In fact, you do not have to limit it. What you have to do is setting boundaries because lack of them causes you to be overnice.
2. Set your f*cking own boundaries. Learn to say no (to others and to your heart). Communicate it. Boundaries guarantee you to be not taken for granted.
3. Because of plan action #2, you deserve to be selfish. Especially if that thing is regarding your own good. Know your capacity, synchronize your ability to help with your priorities and values. Think if you can handle to help and think of effects it may cause.
4. Knowing that not everyone has the same level of generosity. Also, thinking whether the person you’ll help is deserved and really need the help. Do not pour the salt to the sea.

In the end, there is nothing so wrong with expecting and being nice to someone. However make sure those things will not take control of your life and mind. You do not want yourself to possibly get hurt because of them. So to curb or not to curb, it’s all yours.