Dating After Diagnosis: Cancer Support Group Fosters Romance, Even Marriage
Cancer dating Facebook Group successfully connects those with experiences that non-survivors can’t understand.
As Rebecca Colon navigated her breast cancer treatment, subsequent ovarian cancer, heart problems, thirteen surgeries in three years, chemo, and twenty-six rounds of radiation, she longed for someone to go through the journey with her. But she also feared starting a relationship. Not only did she have scarring, she wanted anyone she engaged with to realize that beyond the physical struggles of cancer, there’s also “the mental emotional process of it all.” The challenge led Colon, along with Lynn Crawley, a friend of 20 plus years who also experienced cancer, to start the Facebook group Cancer and Survivor Dating Group in January 2020.
Many people share Crawley’s and Colon’s experiences with cancer. The National Cancer Institute estimates that approximately roughly two in five people will be diagnosed with cancer at some point. The National Cancer Institute defines cancer as “a disease in which some of the body’s cells grow uncontrollably and spread to other parts of the body.” Cancer can start anywhere in the body and, if it spreads, dramatically reduce function in the affected areas. Cancer patients often experience depression, anxiety about the future, changing priorities in the wake of the evidence of their mortality, and physical limitations that may greatly impact how they navigate relationships.
The only one on Facebook focused on dating with cancer, the group has 459 members and grows by roughly ten members each week. The group gets three posts a day, each getting around fifteen comments. The group is very diverse, featuring people of many sexualities and from thirty-one different countries. Not only does the group work to help people find a companion, but members also offer each other advice and support on cancer’s effect on romance. Among four respondents to a survey posted in the group in November 2021, half said that the group’s small size — for example, compared to Facebook’s largest cancer support group, Cancer Supporters and Survivors, with 43,000 members — fosters a sense of community. Most found the group looking for cancer support groups generally; however, one respondent specifically sought out a cancer dating group. The group has even kindled one marriage proposal.
Members of the group are welcoming to new members and become attached to long-term members. If “somebody who posts frequently is not posting as frequently, they check in on each other,” Colon said in a Zoom interview. The group is inclusive, welcoming members of all sexualities, races, ages, and backgrounds, said Colon. This group has recently introduced regular Zoom meetings of five to ten members where members can get to know each other face-to-face. In addition, members of the group participate in cancer advocacy events, such as walks, petitions, and fundraising in all types of formats, either together or separately. “That’s what we do,” says Colon. “We beat cancer’s butt all the time. And we have each other’s backs.”
As admins, Colon and Crawley try to foster community by being available to the group 24/7. Colon said she sometimes engages in long conversations with members into the late hours of the night. Survey respondents stated that they valued the admins’ “offers to be there as an ear, even by DM,” and “periodic posts checking in on how we’re all doing,” which is especially “important for those of us who don’t have our own families.” The admins also try to prevent companies or people from peddling various snake oils. They also watch out for trolls. “We have enough turmoil in our own life,” states Colon. “You go to your safe haven, which is what I consider my group to be, to find peace and to find comfort,”
This group has fostered romantic and platonic relationships among members. One respondent said they’d found someone who lives nearby and are excited by the prospect of finding new friends and relationships, stating it will “be nice to gain real-life friends, not just Facebook friends.” In addition, one couple is planning a wedding. “They’ve been through hell and back,” said Colon. “Yet they still found love in each other, and they made it.” The prospective groom, based in India, told Colon “if it wasn’t for [Colon], I would I would not have met her. [This group] will always be a part of our family.”
