I suffer and I love it

Suffering is a key component to my imaginations. Its like an addiction with flavorful words you can’t stop. Dropping from my life are drips of blood and suffering. I’m born into, bred to fight against it, and taught that suffering is all I know.

A small girl from a small town. The hit starting lyric for any traditional love song right? I live in Connecticut second to the smallest state in the nation. The state motto “He Who Transplanted Still Sustains” and the saying lands true for most of us here.

I grew up in a broken home which is a standard I think for most of us. For those of us who dream of greater are the ones who grew up knowing what its like to have little. To work hard for it is all we know. I live in a place where people expect me to have a license at age twenty four, and that my mother should of provided the means for that. No. I refuse to believe that my mother should have to do anything for me. She gave birth to me but I am not her debt for life.

My mother is disabled, single, and raised two children all on her own two feet without giving up. I can’t speak about the suffering she went through but I can tell you what it was like to go to the store and not have enough money to buy all the food you want. But your mother would sacrifice a few dollars on a bill to get you it. Its not a life choice. Suffering.

I dug through books to get out of my parents fights. Words were fruit to me as they pulled me out of the reality I faced. I watched anime, and played video games that I borrowed from friends. I don’t think I could ever be satisfied with life if all my problems disappeared suddenly.

I’m no cry baby. I don’t sit here and believe I should have something, and that I am entitled to it. I am not. I don’t have a way to get my license. So, I deal. Its a test in my life. If I don’t look at this suffering as way for me to face my dreams. The easy route is running. The easy route is going to the money. Harder still is the path I am choosing My dreams.

My dreams mean everything to me. I can blame being born for my suffering or I can just wipe my hands clean and step out into the light aware that my dreams bring me forward. I can’t blame others for me. I won’t blame others for who I am. Thus, I won’t waste my time with pointless conversations, or parties. I spend my time bleeding out words on this page. My soul, heart, and feelings leaping from my fingertips.

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