On Exotic Love: What you discover if you traverse in the dark

So, I meant to dish out the chapter for Beyond That Place today but a particular event has caused me to decide to put that on hold for a few minutes and to write about exotic love in a way that may tend to break hearts, or form bonds. I’m not sure anymore where I want to aim with this post as more of a way to give myself a form of personal mending.

A revelation of sorts. I won’t walk through the fire without being burned. I’m not heartless but this discussion will discuss a heavy issue our society is facing as we are killing love as we know it. But I refuse to let our generation kill love as the only reason it is disappearing is because people are afraid. We are afraid of a snake so we step on it, squash it, watch the life being sucked right out of it as if it the scene itself was amazing.

We are afraid of spiders so we take a shoe and squash it. We are afraid of planes we avoid them like the plague. The same aspect has been currently used in our generation’s version of love. We flee from being hurt like flies.

I’m not a child born to one of those families that would display ideal love. I know shit happens. I know accidents happen. My life is the supreme example of how to learn to love in a loveless place. When your father is an abusive man taking swings at your mother nightly it expresses that love doesn’t exist. You would think that alone would make me one of those beaten women who sell themselves around to friends for no little than sex. Nope.

Sorry boys, I also have a hard time with sex as a notion of not love. I mean my father was constantly watching porn, and I once had a gun held to my head while another boy rammed into me at a young age. In one way this would fuck you up. It probably did fuck me up a little.

However, I was mainly raised by my mother who taught me women do not need men to raise their kids, or to help them with shit. My independent mother taught me that if you let love in make absolute sure that you are willing to commit to those feelings.

The truth I am about to reveal is one better left zipped between my lips, and sealed forever. However, this story is best written and heard. My first lover ..I mean the first person I ever loved aside from family that was of an opposite gender went by the name Nicholas. ( I’m sorry Nick. ) He taught me a lot of things through the ages of being a four year old to being a seven year old.

Our parents had known each other before our birth and planned an arranged marriage for us. It’s also a little funny that we were born a single day apart. When I turned seven I went to ask him out not knowing our futures were kinda sealed. ( Not really.) He was my first bittersweet rejection in the form of a song.

I think he is one of three rejections that I grew to appreciate in my love life because neither of us really knew what liking each other was. We just knew butterflies, happiness, and chitter chatter must of amounted for something. ( A key role in relationships that our generation has forgotten.) The song of choice was Elton John’s candle in the wind. I have to say we went through years of not talking, or seeing each other but when we did find each other he was with a fiance.

I love his fiance as a person. I will say that he was my first love in the expression of love as happiness.

My next observation in this department was a boy named Tom. He was my everything as a person. We shared rough moments, good moments, sad moments, and held destructive arguments that made us reconstruct ourselves. We would play truth or dare like college kids, and not care a lick about the worries of the world. Yes. I loved him. Yes I will love the person he became today with just as much love because a love like that don’t fade overtime. It just changes. He made the most ridiculous promise to me once that “ if he should die I won’t be allowed at his grave in fear that I would lose my mind.”

You know the sad part is…he’s probably right. I would lose it. But you know I still grieve him as he turned into a female recently. He changed his name and everything. But I still don’t love him any less and I am extremely happy that he has someone who melts his heart. The third boy who taught me love was my first relationship ever. I believe we lasted all of six months because I left for Michigan. But I know there isn’t much to gather other than our communication was on point.

Which is a sadly lacking in the world. From here I went into a second relationship with boy who we dated on and off for a long time managing to keep our friendship going without letting the love die. I refuse to let love go unless i’m that hurt.

From here I learned a lot of valuable lessons like losing a close friend, and picking my battles. I am a person that prefers to traverse in the dark rather than waltzing around trying to show everyone with pictures what I look like. I don’t live my life looking for love, but when I give a person a chance in my arms I expect in some part that they know how fragile my body is.

Let me get into a place I traversed and won’t ever go back to. My love is exotic I have a hard time giving my whole to just anyone. Typically, If I like someone we start as friends, then I try for a relationship. For the longest time, I avoided the lovely friends with benefits. People often confused the one act I did with a friend as that…but it wasn’t that because we loved each other long before we did the act per say.

When we thought about it, our friendship alone meant more than ever allowing us to go back down a path of detrimental destruction. I am glad to say today that he is moved in with his girlfriend of whom I know will take care of him. But for once I decided to try to traverse in the dark mud that was never a good idea to begin with. You know the saying “ Your friend’s know best because you’re too blind.” This was me.

There are four key problems with a friends with benefits which results in a lot of misunderstanding of what a friendship is. Friendship is defined as the emotions or conducts of friends, a relationship between friends, and and a state of mutual trust, and support between nations. However, we attach benefits and it’s like the world goes fucking insane. Let me put it this way, America is friends with France but we are in a beneficial relationship at the same time by offering supplies, and taking supplies. Benefits is never explicitly detailed as sexual it is just what society deems OK to fuck someone without strings attached.

I’m sorry but in one way if you’re already having sex with that person you are chancing a birth of another human being. I would think even with all the protection in the world when an accident happens …god damn..will the pair regret it. My problem with friends with benefits is that people forget the friend part before the benefits. A friend is someone that should not, nor would ever want to hurt you. I mean it in the most sincerity that most friends would rather avoid hurting another friend. We add sex to this mix of meaning and we already striving for disaster. You can’t just end the benefits parts of a friendship because you’ve now stepped into the muck without realizing what friendship is.

I guess I’m a little odd because I don’t ever get sexually aroused without having my mind blown first. I think that my issue is that I don’t expect obligation on the benefits part. Funny, but I expect the other person to be sleeping around. I won’t do it but I don’t care if the other person is. I’m loyal bitch it’s what my friends teach me. I’m dead serious when I say your friends should never treat you as a sex object, or a way to release tension for fun. I’m not basic but I tried the basic idea of friends with benefits which has become a basic standard among people. I don’t like the fact that we should be so hypersexualized that everything is about sex.

I enjoy it , but I don’t need it. I can enjoy my life without spreading my legs for the hounds. It’s a stand I am taking against the basicness of society. I was told it is unhealthy for me to want an explanation or even a message from a person to acknowledge that even as friends we weren’t going to hang. I swear I write I miss you texts to my friends all the time …I do. But when you want just a little acknowledgement after two weeks of nothing it’s considered unhealthy. Do people know what unhealthy is these days? Crying is not as unhealthy as everybody thinks. Maybe, I needed to cry…relieve the pain of pushing so much trust, and caring towards another human being only to know that they only look at the end.

Crying is a form of relieving stress, and with all my pent up stress a four day cry session felt pretty good…and as usual rain followed suit. It’s also possible my crying wasn’t even related to him. I had laser surgery which makes my eyes really really sensitive sometimes. By crying I was strengthening my eye muscles. I don’t tend to hide my feelings. Unhealthy is a friends with benefits because you don’t get the true friend part often with it. You can predict an end to everything but can you predict the weather spot on every time for one hundred years?

If you can do that I would gladly high-five you. I am a humanist, and I believe in communication and love. If we go back to the start of my post friends with benefits displays a fear that people have. They are scared to entwine their soul to a friend. It should never be that way. We should not be scared. I might of been burned but I’m not heartbroken. I just am sad that I have lost a really good friend. But shit happens. It’s alright. We all learn something new sometimes.



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Jessica Cote

Jessica Cote


I am just a girl among the many fish in the sea. A writer among the many dreamers, and a socialist among others.