Am I a “white Mexican” or a “Fake Mexican?”
My boyfriend calls me a “white Mexican” or sometimes a “fake Mexican.” He calls me a “white Mexican” because although I am Mexican, Costa Rican- American, my skin color is white and I am always seen as a caucasian female. And I am a “fake Mexican” because he claims I hide Mexican side and use my white skin tone to my advantage to receive caucasian benefits and treatment. I do agree that I am a “white Mexican” but I do not agree that I am a “fake Mexican,” I am proud to be a chicana.
I have always been the different one in my family because of the difference of our skin colors, mine is white and theirs ranges from different shades of brown. Also, I grew up in Ontario, which is predominantly Mexican. Although I appear white, I only knew Spanish. Spanish was my first language until I entered Kinder and was forced to learn English. I was placed into a “special” class for students that were shy and we were taught ways to be more social with other children. The only problem was that I was not shy, I didn’t know English. Everyday I was taken out of class to play in another room filled with toys and painting supplies. As I played by myself, a teacher observed me and talked to me to better understand my situation. But I wonder if she ever came to the conclusion that I only knew Spanish? I eventually learned English and completely forgot about Spanish, I didn’t know how to speak it anymore. In elementary school, it was easier to be a “white Mexican” because at that age, children don’t understand or see the difference between colors and cultures. But, middle school is when I didn’t know who or what I was.
In middle school, all the students spoke spanish within their group of friends and I was the only white girl. I forced myself to learn from their conversations, I paid more attention to my family’s conversations, and I watched Mexican soap operas. I was desperate to reconnect with my roots. At home, I only knew of the Mexican culture, all I ate was Mexican food and all we listened to at home was Mexican music. However, at school, I was the white girl. Not only did I want to learn Spanish again to fit in school but to feel like I belonged to family. It was hard to communicate with my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins when they only know Spanish and I only know English. My parents spoke spanish within themselves but never mentioned I had to learn spanish again. I don’t think they saw it as issue because they know spanish and aren’t able to understand how much I struggled trying to fit in.
In High School, I took three years of Spanish and was so happy to learn, it my favorite class. My teachers were impressed with me how much Spanish I knew and then I realized I knew more Spanish than I thought I did. In class, the language all came back to me like I never forgot it. However, sometimes my spanish was different than the spanish we learned. I didn’t know the difference between the proper spanish and the slang spanish, all I knew was that it was Spanish.
As a Mexican Costa Rican-American female, I am able to connect with Gloria Anzaldua and her writings in Borderlands. Especially in her chapter, How to Tame a Wild Tongue. Anzaldua lists the different types of languages Chicanos speak:
- “Standard English
- Working class and slang English
- Standard Spanish
- Standard Mexican Spanish
- North Mexican Spanish dialect
- Chicano Spanish
- Tex-Mex
- Pachuco”
I learned the first two at school, work, and my surroundings. I learned Standard Spanish in High school. I learned number four and number eight from my dad’s mom. I didn’t know there was a difference.
My dad’s mom taught me Mexican Spanish and slang. She mostly curses in her conversations but that I never noticed. For example, when she says “la chingadera para el pelo” and moves her hand over her head, I know she means hair spray. But it really translates to “the fucking thing for the hair.” Then I learned Costa Rican spanish from my mom’s mom. Costa Ricans are called ‘Ticos’ because they add -ito and -ita to the end of their words. For example, “lechita”. I got in the habit of mixing slang and -ito to my spanish that I was confused on what was the proper spanish to speak.
Gloria Anzaldua helps me as a Chicana to better understand myself and where I stand in my own culture. Anzaldua helped me to appreciate the different types of spanish I know and just embrace my culture and knowledge. Although I did struggle during my childhood, I learned that not every Mexican looks the same, we all come in different shapes, sizes, and colors. I met more “white Mexicans” in college that I am able to connect with. As for my daughter, I do stress spanish on her because I want her to learn so she can be able to feel at home with her Mexican culture. My daughter is Jamaican and Mexican so I do want her to know each of her sides of her culture so that way she can be proud and love herself. I am afraid of her to feel like she doesn’t belong to either culture because she might be considered too dark to be Mexican or too light to be Jamaican. I don’t want her to be ashamed of who she is but embrace every aspect of who she is. I will learn from my mistakes of forgetting my culture and roots by helping her stay connected and involved with her cultures.
#Mexican #Language #GloriaAnzaldua #Spanish
