10 Objects On Tinder More Desirable Than a Man Right Now

After the last promising encounter with a man ended like a slap in the face, I’m seriously considering right-swiping on these eligible objects nearby.

#1 The Chatty Crane(s)

Actual Tinder profile

Pros:

• Could be a “twin” deal…two chatty cranes are better than one!
• Tall
• Comes with chains and hooks, great if you’re into BDSM

Cons:

• Not into anything long-term, usually hangs around six months
• Doesn’t like to finish sentences (“let’s chat first,” — — okay, and then…?!)
• Hard to read — what does he mean by “Just Me” — which one is it? Crane 1? Crane 2? Both?!

#2 Insert Face Here

Pros:

• He doesn’t have a face, so when he shows up, you get to just paste a picture of your dream guy on his head (recommendations: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, David Le’aupepe, Idris Elba)
• A great listener
• A clean slate, so no baggage from previous relationships

Cons:

• If the last woman he dated used a permanent marker on his face, he might show up with a Hitler ‘stache or Mr. Men character
• Literally never talks
• A clean slate, so no experience from previous relationships

#3 Maurice the Motorcycle

Pros:

• Bad boy
• Likes to take risks and is willing to go from 0–100 if the traffic is good and there are no obvious red flags on the road ahead
• Good mileage

Cons:

• Definitely not up for a relationship, likes to go where the wind takes him
• Lots of battle scars, dents and bruises
• Breaks down when the conditions get tough; only sticks around when there are clear skies

#4 Artisinal Olive Oil

Pros:

• Likes quality over quantity
• Great skin
• Versatile!

Cons:

• Slippery — sometimes hard to grasp
• Artisinal…so likely borderline annoying
• Unfortunately, quite expressive about maintaining his purity — an “extra” virgin

#5 Dubai Marina

Pros

• Has a boat
• Loves hot weather
• Interested in architecture

Cons

• I mean, what exactly is going to show up here on the first date? The boat? Many boats? Buildings? The fucking roads?!
• Very flashy and wants to be seen with money
• Goes from scorching hot to icy cold behind closed doors

#6 Phone/Necklace/Tanning Bed

Pros

• I mean — this is a high-value match! Tanning beds alone are $$$
• Careful about protection
• Into looking healthy

Cons

• Ugh, those UV rays
• Likes to beat himself up
• Constantly multitasking and has problems staying focused

#7 A Car

Pros

• Went to the College of Lunatics, so you know you’ll have some scintillating conversation — that’s a hard school to get into!
• You won’t have to take Ubers everywhere
• Looks pretty clean

Cons

• It might be the van in the background that shows up?
• Slight body odour — is that the faint smell of stale Cheetos?
• A bit stuck in the past, still only listens to cassettes

#8 A Lemur

Pros

• Lemurs have always seemed super chill!
• A real softie
• Curious!

Cons

• Massive language barrier
• Could have lice
• Known to flee at the first sign of danger

#9 A Flower

Pros

• Who doesn’t love flowers?
• Outdoorsy
• A bit mysterious and shy

Cons

• Short-term relationships only — wilts after a few days
• A bit precious — tends to get easily bruised
• Not the prettiest one in the bunch

#10 BBQ Chicken Wings

Pros

• It’s BBQ chicken wings
• It’s BBQ chicken wings
• It’s BBQ chicken wings

Cons

• …
• …
• …

I’m going with BBQ chicken wings, obviously. If that doesn’t work out, I think Insert Face Here could be promising.

I’m so grateful for Tinder.