10 Objects On Tinder More Desirable Than a Man Right Now
Published in
4 min readMay 12, 2019
After the last promising encounter with a man ended like a slap in the face, I’m seriously considering right-swiping on these eligible objects nearby.
#1 The Chatty Crane(s)
Pros:
- Could be a “twin” deal…two chatty cranes are better than one!
- Tall
- Comes with chains and hooks, great if you’re into BDSM
Cons:
- Not into anything long-term, usually hangs around six months
- Doesn’t like to finish sentences (“let’s chat first,” — — okay, and then…?!)
- Hard to read — what does he mean by “Just Me” — which one is it? Crane 1? Crane 2? Both?!
#2 Insert Face Here
Pros:
- He doesn’t have a face, so when he shows up, you get to just paste a picture of your dream guy on his head (recommendations: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, David Le’aupepe, Idris Elba)
- A great listener
- A clean slate, so no baggage from previous relationships
Cons:
- If the last woman he dated used a permanent marker on his face, he might show up with a Hitler ‘stache or Mr. Men character
- Literally never talks
- A clean slate, so no experience from previous relationships
#3 Maurice the Motorcycle
Pros:
- Bad boy
- Likes to take risks and is willing to go from 0–100 if the traffic is good and there are no obvious red flags on the road ahead
- Good mileage
Cons:
- Definitely not up for a relationship, likes to go where the wind takes him
- Lots of battle scars, dents and bruises
- Breaks down when the conditions get tough; only sticks around when there are clear skies
#4 Artisinal Olive Oil
Pros:
- Likes quality over quantity
- Great skin
- Versatile!
Cons:
- Slippery — sometimes hard to grasp
- Artisinal…so likely borderline annoying
- Unfortunately, quite expressive about maintaining his purity — an “extra” virgin
#5 Dubai Marina
Pros
- Has a boat
- Loves hot weather
- Interested in architecture
Cons
- I mean, what exactly is going to show up here on the first date? The boat? Many boats? Buildings? The fucking roads?!
- Very flashy and wants to be seen with money
- Goes from scorching hot to icy cold behind closed doors
#6 Phone/Necklace/Tanning Bed
Pros
- I mean — this is a high-value match! Tanning beds alone are $$$
- Careful about protection
- Into looking healthy
Cons
- Ugh, those UV rays
- Likes to beat himself up
- Constantly multitasking and has problems staying focused
#7 A Car
Pros
- Went to the College of Lunatics, so you know you’ll have some scintillating conversation — that’s a hard school to get into!
- You won’t have to take Ubers everywhere
- Looks pretty clean
Cons
- It might be the van in the background that shows up?
- Slight body odour — is that the faint smell of stale Cheetos?
- A bit stuck in the past, still only listens to cassettes
#8 A Lemur
Pros
- Lemurs have always seemed super chill!
- A real softie
- Curious!
Cons
- Massive language barrier
- Could have lice
- Known to flee at the first sign of danger
#9 A Flower
Pros
- Who doesn’t love flowers?
- Outdoorsy
- A bit mysterious and shy
Cons
- Short-term relationships only — wilts after a few days
- A bit precious — tends to get easily bruised
- Not the prettiest one in the bunch
#10 BBQ Chicken Wings
Pros
- It’s BBQ chicken wings
- It’s BBQ chicken wings
- It’s BBQ chicken wings
Cons
- …
- …
- …
I’m going with BBQ chicken wings, obviously. If that doesn’t work out, I think Insert Face Here could be promising.
I’m so grateful for Tinder.