10 Objects On Tinder More Desirable Than a Man Right Now

After the last promising encounter with a man ended like a slap in the face, I’m seriously considering right-swiping on these eligible objects nearby.

#1 The Chatty Crane(s)

Actual Tinder profile

Pros:

  • Could be a “twin” deal…two chatty cranes are better than one!
  • Tall
  • Comes with chains and hooks, great if you’re into BDSM

Cons:

  • Not into anything long-term, usually hangs around six months
  • Doesn’t like to finish sentences (“let’s chat first,” — — okay, and then…?!)
  • Hard to read — what does he mean by “Just Me” — which one is it? Crane 1? Crane 2? Both?!

#2 Insert Face Here

Pros:

  • He doesn’t have a face, so when he shows up, you get to just paste a picture of your dream guy on his head (recommendations: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Gosling, George Clooney, David Le’aupepe, Idris Elba)
  • A great listener
  • A clean slate, so no baggage from previous relationships

Cons:

  • If the last woman he dated used a permanent marker on his face, he might show up with a Hitler ‘stache or Mr. Men character
  • Literally never talks
  • A clean slate, so no experience from previous relationships

#3 Maurice the Motorcycle

Pros:

  • Bad boy
  • Likes to take risks and is willing to go from 0–100 if the traffic is good and there are no obvious red flags on the road ahead
  • Good mileage

Cons:

  • Definitely not up for a relationship, likes to go where the wind takes him
  • Lots of battle scars, dents and bruises
  • Breaks down when the conditions get tough; only sticks around when there are clear skies

#4 Artisinal Olive Oil

Pros:

  • Likes quality over quantity
  • Great skin
  • Versatile!

Cons:

  • Slippery — sometimes hard to grasp
  • Artisinal…so likely borderline annoying
  • Unfortunately, quite expressive about maintaining his purity — an “extra” virgin

#5 Dubai Marina

Pros

  • Has a boat
  • Loves hot weather
  • Interested in architecture

Cons

  • I mean, what exactly is going to show up here on the first date? The boat? Many boats? Buildings? The fucking roads?!
  • Very flashy and wants to be seen with money
  • Goes from scorching hot to icy cold behind closed doors

#6 Phone/Necklace/Tanning Bed

Pros

  • I mean — this is a high-value match! Tanning beds alone are $$$
  • Careful about protection
  • Into looking healthy

Cons

  • Ugh, those UV rays
  • Likes to beat himself up
  • Constantly multitasking and has problems staying focused

#7 A Car

Pros

  • Went to the College of Lunatics, so you know you’ll have some scintillating conversation — that’s a hard school to get into!
  • You won’t have to take Ubers everywhere
  • Looks pretty clean

Cons

  • It might be the van in the background that shows up?
  • Slight body odour — is that the faint smell of stale Cheetos?
  • A bit stuck in the past, still only listens to cassettes

#8 A Lemur

Pros

  • Lemurs have always seemed super chill!
  • A real softie
  • Curious!

Cons

  • Massive language barrier
  • Could have lice
  • Known to flee at the first sign of danger

#9 A Flower

Pros

  • Who doesn’t love flowers?
  • Outdoorsy
  • A bit mysterious and shy

Cons

  • Short-term relationships only — wilts after a few days
  • A bit precious — tends to get easily bruised
  • Not the prettiest one in the bunch

#10 BBQ Chicken Wings

Pros

  • It’s BBQ chicken wings
  • It’s BBQ chicken wings
  • It’s BBQ chicken wings

Cons

I’m going with BBQ chicken wings, obviously. If that doesn’t work out, I think Insert Face Here could be promising.

I’m so grateful for Tinder.

Digital Dating for Dummies

We’re in this shit-show together. Send help. And wine.

Amandaaaaaamn, girl!

Written by

Wading through the dating shitshow. Tackling diversity and inclusion in tech.

Digital Dating for Dummies

We’re in this shit-show together. Send help. And wine.

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