Modern Family Saved My Marriage
Thanks Phil Dunphy!
Go to any wedding reception and there’s a good chance a man giving a speech (e.g., father of the bride/groom) will utter some variation of the following phrase: “Just remember two rules: ‘Happy wife, happy life’…and, ‘Wife is always right.’”
I have always thought that advice is a bunch of hogwash, not because it’s inherently wrong or because I’m some chauvinist, but because it is so context dependent. This is stereotypical advice; hence, it would only apply to stereotypical situations. In this context, the traditional stereotype is that men are essentially bums who don’t do much around the house and just sit around all weekend watching football. In these cases, “Wife is always right,” is the perfect bargain — let her do all the work and in exchange, all you have to do is swallow some pride, nod your head, and say “Yes, honey.”
If that’s a stereotype from a bygone era, then no way should this mentality apply to the fully engaged Digital Dad, right? Or so I thought. With age comes perspective and a modicum of wisdom. One of the biggest realizations I have had over the past year is an acceptance of seeing the “world as it is” as opposed to “how it should be.”
So how does this epiphany apply to marriage and what did I learn from Phil Dunphy in Modern Family?
In marriage, arguments are inevitable, for example. In the “world as it should be,” one party is objectively right and one is objectively wrong. Ultimately, reason will win out. Unfortunately, reality does not live in black and white but rather in shades of grey and right/wrong is not always the lens through which one should determine the outcome of a disagreement.
In the “world as it should be,” to cite economic theorists, we are all rational beings who make utility-maximizing decisions when presented with choices. Utility is hard to define and even harder to measure, but generally speaking: “Utility is a term used by economists to describe the measurement of ‘usefulness’ that a consumer obtains from any good.” (Wikipedia)
However, thanks to this thing called emotion, we are nowhere close to being a “fully rational” species. In fact, I often think that as a species overall, we’re just a bunch of dumb apes dressed in fancy clothes and holding smartphones.
Tying back to Modern Family, keep this mind and watch the following clip:
The most prescient exchange from this clip is the following:
Phil: “So if Claire says, ‘I hate getting stuck in traffic’, I shouldn’t say, ‘Maybe you should leave earlier or don’t get on the freeway.’ I should just say, ‘I know, that’s so frustrating.’”
Women: “Yesssss!”
In the example above, Claire admits a strong dislike for traffic. Since that’s the case, it must be true that Claire would avoid traffic if the option were available (the utility maximizing choice). Therefore, logic would dictate that when presented with the opportunity to receive information that would increase this utility (receiving directions from Phil), Claire would eagerly receive that information. To the surprising contrary, the women giving Phil guidance essentially take a big fat dump on economic theory and advise him that she doesn’t want his help, but rather wants acknowledgement/ understanding of her problems. In other words, they advise him to choose an option that is knowingly utility-reducing for Claire!
In the latter half of the clip, Phil tries this out and it works like a charm. Can this really be the key to a happy marriage?
Like everyone else, I am not infallible and I succumb to emotion more than I’d like to believe. However, I do believe that my internal compass skews more strongly towards reason than emotion (at least vs the average). As a result, advice like the one given by the women in the clip generally make my head explode (because of how illogical they seemingly are).
But as mentioned above, I’ve recently gained some maturity and a newfound perspective on life. When a situation recently presented itself that gave me the chance to apply this advice in practice, I decided to give it a shot.
I’ll spare the details of the situation as they’re ultimately irrelevant, but an exogenous factor caused my wife to be frustrated and she decided to take it out on me. I was not directly the cause of this stress, but I will allow the argument that I was involved by association (albeit extremely loosely). The old me would have 1) deflected blame (while explaining why I shouldn’t be tied to this), and 2) tried to determine the root cause and focus on that (even if that meant pointing the finger around back at her). Instead, picking up on her frustration, I decided to try the Phil approach and focused my messaging around “I understand you’re frustrated,” and, “If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way.”
Guess what, it worked! A potential escalation of an otherwise inane issue was quickly averted. Modern Family writer, you are a genius!
Gentlemen, George Washington had it figured out: “It’s better to lose the battle, but win the war.”
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