A Closed Letter

Shut the fuck up, get your shit together, and work. The rest will come.

Millennials, if the above sounds too hard to internalize, let me gamify it:

  • The rest is expected to happen to you in the next five years.
  • Each penalty point makes it twice longer.
  • Watch TV most evenings: 0.1 point for each qualifying month.
  • Two+ paragraphs where one statement is enough: 0.2 points each time.
  • A phone call instead of an e-mail: 0.3 points per redundant call.
  • Comparing oneself to others: 0.4 points per comparison.
  • “But how soon will it happen to me?”: 0.5 points per question.
  • “An Open Letter with yet another story of misery”: 1 point per letter.
  • “But I’m entitled to have X, Y, Z by now!!!1”: 2 points per exclamation.

While counting the points, keep in mind you likely would have neither capacity nor desire to be productive by the age of 60. In other words, if you are twenty years old and have scored three or more points, this post is effectively a big fat game over sign.

And if you did well, shut the fuck up, get your shit together, and work. The rest will come.

You’re welcome.