Reckoning With My Allyship
A Personal Reflection on “Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?”
Coronavirus, Black Lives Matter, #MeToo and more; these are just a few of the topics and headlines that have been swirling around my head nonstop. Over the last few months, I have felt completely overwhelmed by it all. Which sources are accurate? What is the background and personal perspective of the person writing it? Which ones offer tangible action items? As I’ve tried to make sense of all of the media coming at me, I reached out to a beloved high school teacher of mine. She recommended Beverly Daniel Tatum’s book, Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria?
Tatum writes for everyone, in a beautiful voice aimed at creating change through personal reflection and hard facts. Her writing style is straightforward, guiding readers to think back on their experiences navigating a racially-divided nation. Tatum challenged me to think back on times when I spoke out against injustice and other times when I didn’t and wish I had. Specifically, her discussion on race in educational institutions led me to reflect on my high school experience. From the ages of four to eighteen I attended a school in New York City with a special curriculum focused around inclusion and social change. Looking back, at some points I found the school to be socially segregated for many of the reasons that Tatum addresses- housing segregation, lack of extracurricular resources for students who could not afford them, and our underlying biases that influence our behavior. My school prided itself on diversity and inclusion. I believed my school setting to be unique and special, but looking back, I see many of the central problems of systemic racism was present in my education too.
I keep going back to a few incidents from senior year. I recall sitting in my own school cafeteria with a group of girlfriends discussing graduation and all of the exciting end of the year events were looking forward to: prom, senior skip day, and the notorious spring break senior trip to the Bahamas. One of the girls in our group loudly added to the list that on the last day of school she wanted to break into the Diversity and Inclusion office (a refuge for students of color), jump up and down on the furniture, yell and cause a scene “because it was wrong for white kids to be excluded from that space.” While outward I was silent and didn’t react at all, inside I was on fire, burning with anger and embarrassment that my friend would say such a shameful and disrespectful thing, let alone believe it. After lunch, I walked with my best friend to class, and we shared how upset her comment made us. I don’t know why I didn’t say something at the moment. Maybe I was afraid that she would be mean to me, not invite me to a party, or no longer want to be friends with me. I don’t know why I wasn’t thinking, “I don’t want to be friends with someone who says things like that.” All I know, is I recognized that what she said was wrong, and hurtful, and I let it slide.
A few weeks later, that same girl posted a video of herself on Instagram singing the “N word” in a popular rap song, “Freaky Friday.” The video quickly circled the school and the she was asked by the administration to “finish out the school year at home.” (AKA: she wasn’t allowed to step foot on campus again, attend prom, or graduation, but they stopped short of expelling her for using hate speech.) Today, my school is undergoing a period of contemplation and reflection, as many students of color are speaking out about injustices that occurred during their time at the school on an anonymous Instagram account.
I am no longer friends with that girl, and to this day I regret not standing up to her at the lunch table. Being a kid in high school is hard, and it takes a lot of courage to stand up to our peers. But it is especially important for white allies to do so when we see and hear explicit and even subtle acts of racism. People of color are not responsible for educating the rest of us or to explain why statements like these are so incredibly hurtful. As a student who was taught to go forth and make the world a better place, it is my job and duty to stand up against injustice, and I deeply regret not doing so when the opportunity so perfectly presented itself. I know that I have a lot more learning and listening to do. I must reflect on my own actions and how they impact others and acknowledge my privilege as a white person existing in a system that is not equal. I must use these past experiences as a tool to guide my future behavior and to remind myself that there is never a good reason not to stand up against racism.
Tatum’s book gave me hope, pushed me to reflect on my own experiences, and to use that energy to engage others in difficult conversations. Everyone should read this book and I hope that my story reminds remind you how much power your voice has to make this world a better place too.
