Here are some tips for those of you who think the term ‘full-bodied’ is used to describe Nicki Minaj and ‘stalky’ to describe your creepy neighbour you’ve caught watching you through a crack in his curtains on more than one occasion.
The first thing you will want to do when cheating your way through wine is read the label on the bottle. You may observe your counterpart doing the same thing, only they’re pretending to look at the designs of the label, while in actual fact they too are reading the tasting notes. Do not be fooled.
If they happen to comment on the quality of the wine based on the wine tears (or legs) on the glass then this is your time to shine. This is a common mistake made by wine snobs and opens up a world of opportunity for those of us “less cultured”. This has little to do with wine quality and a lot to do with the alcohol percentage, in which case it is far more accurate to just read the percentage on the bottle. Don’t be afraid to call them out on this.
Describing a Merlot (mer loh):
Step 1: Tilt the glass and hold it up to the light to observe the colour
“Wow, look at the elegant, dark, ruby colour of this Merlot.”
Step 2: Give it a swirl and take a whiff
“The bouquet offers plum, cassis and dark berries. It has an herbaceous rhythm, with hints of mint and thyme, that blends beautifully with the warmth of the fruit. Don’t you think?”
Step 3: Take a small sip
“It is broad and deep on the palate, juicy with notes of blackberries and cherries.”
Now take another small sip.
“In the mouth the tannins are full-bodied, velvety, and those herbaceous hints on the nose come through in the flavour, which adds a beautiful layer to the structure.”
Describing a Pinotage (pee noh TAHJ):
Colour:
“This pinotage is dense in colour”
- This is a great one to use when you aren’t familiar with the thousands of slightly different shades of red.
Aroma:
“There is an abundance of plum and blackberry on the nose which is layered against notes of mocha, cedar and a sweet spiciness.”
Taste:
“It has strong flavours of plum sauce and black cherries, with bold tannins. It is medium-bodied with notes of fresh red pepper and sweet tobacco and has quite a balanced finish.”
Once you have said all that, then it’s time to really drop some knowledge:
“Did you know that Pinotage is uniquely South African? It’s a combination of Pinot Noir and Cinsaut, which was previously known as Hermitage. Hence, Pinotage.”
Describing a Cabernet Sauvignon (cab er nay saw vee nyon):
Colour:
“It looks dark ruby in the center with a slight magenta tinged edge.”
Because the colour of wine changes with age, you might want to check the vintage in order to not get caught out. Once the wine starts aging it becomes more pale brown/orange so this description is more accurate for a younger cab, which you will most likely be drinking.
Aroma:
“This Cabernet offers a rich bouquet of current, bell pepper and vanilla.”
Taste:
“It is rather full-bodied, with black pepper and black cherries, hints of cedar -or is it leather- tobacco and a dash of vanilla.”
Describing a Syrah (Sear ah):
This is essentially the same thing as a Shiraz, but if you’re in the company of a wine snob, best use Syrah.
Colour:
“That deep, dark, concentrated colour is amazing, wouldn’t you agree?”
Aroma:
“Hmm, red fruit, particularly mulberries and plums, on the nose with a nuance of spiciness.”
Taste:
“Theres a nice punch of dark fruit flavor that tapers off to a spicy peppery note in the aftertaste. Is that blueberry I detect? A hint of mint, perhaps, too.”
In order to further help you speak wine, throw some of these words into your red wine descriptions, wherever you please:
- Forest floor
- Mushroom notes
- Leafy
- Dusty elegance
- Sous bois
- Cigar box
Stick with these tips and we guarantee that it will make your next encounter with a wine snob (slightly) less irritating and (slightly) more bearable.
(Please note that in the presence of genuine wine intellectuals and connoisseurs, you will most definitely be caught out. In fact, they might even be a little offended. Fortunately, they generally aren’t wine snobs so you shouldn’t feel the need to speak wine.)
Good Luck!!
