Conquering Loneliness in the Quest for An Enriched Self
How to mute the echoes of intolerable absence
As I recline in my ‘Philosopher’s Chair’ – Pretentious? Sorry. Intriguing? One can hope! – I have been mumbling the maxim of two sages. The first runs:
“Language…has created the word “loneliness” to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word “solitude” to express the glory of being alone.” – Paul Tillich
The second, thus:
“Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.” – May Sarton
Of course, these are not absolute truths. Desolation is a perfectly warranted emotion for the Widow, the Divorcée, or the lovelorn Bachelor. It may also be symptomatic of various mental illnesses, which no one chooses to abide. Feelings of isolation (as a default state of being), however, may stem from literally just that…the absence of anyone; a “poverty of self”.
Indeed, it’s been said of the word “Emptiness”, that the hardest thing to conceal is the thing that’s not even there. According to the United Nations World Population Prospects 2015 Revision, the average worldwide life expectancy at birth is 71 years. 71 years! Most of which will be spent in the whispering recesses of your babbling mind.
In a July 04, 2014 edition of the journal, Science, it was reported that “many of the people studied, particularly the men, chose to give themselves a mild electric shock rather than be deprived of external sensory stimuli [being truly alone with their thoughts].” Talk about a bad marriage – with yourself!
This article prescribes no professional guidance, but seeks to discuss the problem of loneliness in the abstract. With that said, what causes this emotional purgatory? If it really is “The poverty of self”, conforming to Sarton, how can our interior lives be enriched? How do we transform this hollow realm of private existence to one of glorious, strigine (owl-like) solitude?
Loneliness Is Not Just About Being Alone
Getting clear on what loneliness is, will help us identify its causes. We generally associate feelings of isolation with physical seclusion, loss, segregation, or unitary survival. And yet, we know this isn’t the only source of such sensations. Frequently, it attends the very opposite situation.
Sufferers are often well socialized, and otherwise decently connected. It’s possible to be stuck in a lonely marriage, for instance. How many celebrities have we lost in their battle with intractable loneliness? So it can still afflict one who is extroverted or received with great fanfare.
Kendra Cherry from verywellmind.com therefore argues that, “loneliness is actually a state of mind.” The roots are usually external. Cherry suggests, however, that there are certain internal factors to consider, such as low self-esteem.
In another work, from the same platform, Cherry identifies the following signs of low self-esteem:
- Negative outlook
- Lack of confidence
- Focus on your weaknesses
- Excessive feelings of shame, depression, or anxiety
- Belief that others are better than you
Notice how all of these items centre around what you are not. May Sarton, quoted earlier, called it when she defined loneliness as “poverty of self.” These thoughts…this focus, is the abnegation, the expulsion of everything that is distinctly you. How unfortunate!
There are other reasons. One Widower, Val (76), associates loneliness with the loss of identity. That’s a valuable observation, which is consistent with what happens both environmentally, and psychologically. Feelings of desolation are common to those who’ve suffered loss of community or their purpose: Empty-nesters, Retirees, Ex-Pats, Prisoners, International Students, Etc.
How much of our environment defines us! Therefore, when we endure personal losses to our kith and kin, or our raison d’être, we are also bereaving a piece of ourselves…our identity, just as Val laments.
Another source of emptiness, is volatility. Kay Hymowitz, from city-journal.org, in analyzing significant shifts over the past 50-odd years, writes compellingly on how “family volatility”, and “floundering social trust”, has “unleashed an epidemic of loneliness”.
While there may be innumerable causes, many of which are beyond our control, this work is most concerned with what does lie within our field of influence. Remember, loneliness is a state of being. So the internal origin of the problem is of highest interest.
How To Enrich Your Interior Life
Well, there are many methods. Far more than I can hope to communicate in this brief commentary. Yes, there is always the temptation to submit a catchy listicle, with forgettable advice (ie. join a book club, or a team sport; oh…by the way, have you considered adopting a hamster?). This article, however, identified 3 main causes for the impoverished self; and they are beyond externalities.
So the remainder will centre around inward elements of self-esteem, personal identity, and coping with change or environmental volatility.
Fostering Healthy Self-Esteem
We know what characterizes low self-esteem. How would you describe what healthy self-worth looks like, though? Again, here are specific features:
- Confidence
- Fortitude to say no
- Positive attitude
- Ability to recognize strengths and weaknesses while accepting them
- Resilience
In psychology, self-esteem is widely considered a personality trait. This essentially means it is stable throughout life, because it’s nested in the beliefs or appraisal of oneself. That’s positive news! Why? Because, sure, development may be challenging and gradual, but most importantly, it will be long-lasting.
Notice, too, how just like insecurity, a healthy self-image results from what you give your attention to. STOP affirming what you’re not – the things that take away your power. START taking inventory of what you are! You may find upon reevaluating much of your negative self talk, how baseless these assumptions really are. How often we unduly chastise ourselves over things the rest of the world has forgotten or moved on from. Let it go!
One of the most effective treatments for this toxic narrative and neurosis, is cognitive therapy. MedicineNet says that, “Cognitive therapy focuses on present thinking, behavior, and communication rather than on past experiences and is oriented toward problem solving.”
A common exercise promoted by psychotherapists, is to write down some of those negative beliefs you hold about yourself, on a sheet of paper. Then, one by one, disprove each recrimination. Think of it as ‘playing Devil’s advocate’, but for yourself. To some, this may seem like mirror work, the act of self-congratulation. It’s more effective than that, though.
Think of the daily upbraiding with which we ridicule and flog ourselves. We tacitly approve such talk as modesty, whilst dismissing self-regard as vanity. What’s wrong with this picture! Your narrative self will be your closest companion for the rest of your days. You might as well try to get along.
We can’t always disregard the judgements of others, true. Social validation is necessary; but…BUT, never forget that the final measure of your person will ultimately resound within the cacophonous walls of your skull. Who really gets the last word?
“In the end there is one dance you do alone.” – Jackson Browne, For A Dancer
So actively improving your self-esteem, is profoundly worthwhile!
Finding Yourself
“Finding oneself” has become a token kind of platitude in recent years. Trust me, my keyboard grimaced upon me with disappointment as I wrote it. This advice, however, is not meant in the sense that advocates typically do. “Me Work” often includes a subtext, which reads something like, “Responsibility can be shirked until my self-absorption abates.”
That’s not what is being pitched here. Earlier, we established that changes in our environment – such as the death of a loved one, or the loss of purpose – erodes our personal identity. Therefore, we need to remember what drives us. That could be a goal, a job, an ideology, or a person. And should these slip between our fingers, then we may have to redefine ourselves.
Tony Fahkry, in his article entitled, How To Discover Your True Identity And Uphold Your Self-Worth, writes the following:
“True identity is formed through self-awareness, by letting go of conditioned thoughts and beliefs. At this level your choices are in alignment with your true identity.
You challenge long held beliefs, by retaining thoughts that resonate with your deepest self, while discarding others. As your life circumstances change, you integrate those experiences into your identity.”
Yes, our deepest losses may be utterly irreplaceable! This doesn’t mean, however, that the aching void must remain. A vessels contents can be expelled and resupplied continuously throughout it’s lifetime. The vase need not stay empty.
Fill it with what truly moves you; and it’s okay if its substance evolves! Live from the centre of your being. Find an ideal – it could be an interest, a person, a goal, travel, etc; and pursue it.
In so doing, you will also be coping with the final cause of loneliness, or an impoverished sense of self. This was stated before as environmental volatility. Life changes! We can control some of it. Much of it we cannot; we’re stuck with it.
Having a grand theme woven throughout your life, though, can be a powerful source of meaning. Even when it is at times subject to revision, it will replace those vacuous feelings of loneliness with a reposed state of solitude; at last, the richness of self!
