I was hesitant to be a mother but…
I went through a roller coaster of emotions throughout my 9 months of pregnancy.
*The following incident can be triggering.
Fast forward, a year back, in 2022, I had a disturbing dream. I could not get it out my mind. It shook me to my core. I dreamt seeing a tiny little human in my hand and for some reason I was not able to hold it. I tried hard but it was very tiny. Accidentally, I crushed it with my own hand. I cried. It was a scary dream and it troubled me for days. My dreams manifested my unconscious fears of motherhood. I could not stop my brain to not think about it. The more I thought, the more terrible I felt. I yelled at myself, how could I do it. I felt guilty of taking a life even though it was all a bad dream.
I started questioning myself and if I ever must be a mother. Well, I had my own personal fears. Most of it was my own childhood experiences. I was fearful of passing my own traumas and patterns to my baby.
I remember I talked to multiple mentors, guides, dream interpreter, spiritual guides, coaches of why I am having these feelings. Talking to them, I had an understanding that these are my own mind created fears. As a person, I am very feminine and a giver so there must not be a reason why I must not embrace motherhood.
So, I wrote down all my fears on embracing motherhood. Most of my fears were that I would not be able to take up this responsibility. It would be too much work. I will not be able to do justice to my baby.
Eventually after a lot of contemplation, I was able to convince and get the confidence that I would be able to do it and like every other thing I will learn on the go. I know I wrote that in two lines but it took a lot of convincing to myself that I will be fine.
The day I got to know that I am pregnant, it felt different. It was like carrying a new fresh soul in me. Like you get butterflies when you fall for someone for the first time, I got the same feeling of excitement in my stomach. I remember walking too and fro across my drawing room blabbering to myself of course with a different glow on my face. I realize maybe that is why you only know what unconditional love is “when you become a mother”.
Today, when I see my baby running his finger on my face and smiling at me, it all feels worth it. Those baggage and fears seems non-existential.
My husband always asks me how does it feels to be a mother? I am always silent about it. So, here I am pondering over it.
How does it actually feel, Dipti?
Some days are just beautiful I would not want to change anything about it, while some are challenging you are tested with your patience. Some days are of course overwhelming, and bad and you hate it. While it can be incredibly meaningful on some days.
So, for now I will breathe through the ones which are challenging and enjoy the ones which are joyful as it is a ride one of a kind. And, I have already signed up for it!
