Gratitude is not a competition
I know too many who grew up hearing comments like:
• “You should be grateful for [this thing] because it’s more than other kids have.”
• Or, “You should be grateful that you aren’t like [that kid down the street who has something bad happening].”
• Or “At least you don’t have [this bad thing].”
• Or “You should be grateful that I sacrificed to get you that.”
• Or my personal favorite, “You have it good. You just don’t know what it is like for this other person.” (Unless the speaker has direct, personal experience with the exact tragedy of this person, they don’t know what life is like for that person either.)
Such statements may seem like a solid start for parents to educate their children about gratitude, but sadly, they don’t achieve that. Gratitude is a feeling you experience when you value what you have in your life; it’s not a feeling you get when you compare and measure your life against someone else’s.
Often when you compare yourself to others, you are entertaining a competitive mindset and inviting envy and jealousy into your life. Gratitude is not a competition and is the opposite of envy or jealousy. I know that I can’t feel grateful if I’m comparing myself to others as being better or worse. In such moments, I may feel superior to others, more competent than others, or more established than others, but it has never been possible for me to feel grateful for my own life when I am comparing myself to others and have these desires to be better than other people in some way.
And this competitive feeling comes in many forms. Martyrs may self-sacrifice, seeming to have less, but their motivation may not be to sacrifice so others have more but to sacrifice so they feel better about who they are based on an ideal. Some who donate may give their time or money only with the motivation of getting recognition for their activities. These mindsets introduce pity and contempt if one starts to see others as helpless to solve their problem and not worth saving unless it is to suit one’s ideals, on one’s terms, with the intention of making sure that the person knows what those terms are. The motivation behind actions matters.
Upon reflection, I didn’t realize that when I compared myself to others, I was casting judgment and opinion about what is better or worse about my life as well as the lives of people I compared myself. At those times, I was comparing my life to cultural ideals about what the world should be rather than what it is. And in the end, rather than enjoy what I have, I measured, compared, or judged it according to these cultural and social ideals that I didn’t define and accepted unilaterally without question. And by doing that, I subconsciously rejected my life as it is.
Further, I have noticed that when I compare myself to others, I am making these judgments about what’s right and wrong based on the very limited information that I see. I don’t know what is really happening in someone’s life. For example, when we think about Britney Spears or Paris Hilton, we may wonder what problems they have because they are wealthy and successful. They seem to live perfect lives, so what could be wrong with them? And yes, based on what we see, they have wealth, but we don’t see their emotional lives and the impact of various life traumas on their self-love, causing suffering.
As embarrassing as this may sound, my own judgments and comparisons prevented me from ever really experiencing gratitude until recently. I wasn’t in the right mindset to even start to comprehend what gratitude meant.
However, competition can be inspiring
There are times when I get inspired by observing others. It helps me visualize new goals.
Years ago, I attended a Fit Camp organized by a professional athlete with many athletic attendees. I always noticed those who could do all the exercises easily and keep up with the trainer. Some could do dozens of burpees in succession without pause. I could barely do one. In each class, I would compare myself to them, realizing that I just couldn’t keep up with them. I got discouraged. I wondered if I would ever be able to do what they did.
One day, our trainer told us that we weren’t competing with each other; we were competing against ourselves. He often used the line: “Don’t cheat yourself. Treat yourself.” On the surface, it is easy to laugh and wonder how a burpee is a treat. But after more thought, I considered what that statement meant to me. Cheating myself meant that I didn’t try to be better that day. And to be better athletically, you can’t pay attention to everyone in the room and wonder how you are better or worse than them. You work with what you have, where you are to improve. When you do that, you acknowledge your strengths and weaknesses and respect and appreciate who you are. It’s a very different experience than comparing yourself to everyone in the room and wondering if you’ll ever see progress.
When I stopped paying attention to what others were doing and paid attention to what I was doing, I focused on using good form for my movements. I got better at push-ups (which are never perfect, by the way, but better). I perfected my squats (I was good at them and liked them). I tried to be my best self while working out. And I was grateful for what I was able to achieve.
One day, someone in the class commented about how well I was doing with my workouts. She noticed how I kept proper form and had a good rhythm. I had no idea this person was watching me because I focused on improving myself.
I do the same now, staying focused on what I’m doing so I get better. But now, at a gym, I will admire what other people are doing, and rather than get discouraged, I see them as role models and get inspired. I want to achieve what they have achieved — improve my strength, get better-defined muscles, and run faster. Their achievements inspire me to set new goals so I can compete against myself.
In life, we go further when we compete against ourselves and try to achieve the goals that we set. When we compete against others, we try to achieve their goals or society’s goals. There can be different motivations to achieve such goals: in one case, you set and own the goal; in the other case, someone else defines the goal, so it owns you in a way.
And as a bonus benefit if you don’t compare yourself to others: there is no way to feel envious or jealous (or feel pity and sympathy for them or yourself).
What is gratitude anyway?
To me, gratitude is a celebration of who you are and what you have. When I reflect on my life journey and look at the abundance I have before me — what I have achieved, what I have contributed to companies and teams, who I am as a family member and friend, and who I am as a person — I feel overwhelming contentment. I value what I have cultivated in myself over decades. It’s quite an accomplishment.
When I do this, I don’t consider the items I have or own. I accept who and what I am and appreciate my strengths, weaknesses, high points, low points, and blessings. I recognize the reality of my experience and enjoy what is before me in the present. I’m not comparing myself to anything or anyone, looking to the future or the past for validation. I’m looking at myself in the context of who I am today. It’s a rewarding experience.
How do I practice gratitude?
I learned what gratitude meant when I reflected on my strengths, what I liked about myself, and what was good about my life during the self-love meditations in the Cultivating Compassion Training. I had to do this many times before realizing that I should celebrate my life during those reflections. Only when I was not competing or comparing myself with others did I realize how many blessings I had in my life. I have tremendous freedom at any moment. I love what I do for work. I enjoy learning about people; fortunately, that is part of my daily work. I’m able to expand my worldview. I no longer care much about social measurement and comparing my money or possessions with others.
When I reflect on who I am and what I have, without comparing myself to others or feeling the need to compete or be better, I feel warm contentment or gratitude. It’s such a wonderful feeling.
Conclusion
I think it’s sad that I didn’t discover what gratitude was until recently. I have realized that our culture taught us a way to be that isn’t serving us very well. I see how my need to compare myself with others threw me into a hamster exercise wheel where I constantly looked for outside validation and tried to understand who I was in the reflections of others. I couldn’t leave the wheel because I didn’t know who I was without this competition, this comparing. I left it when I stopped to see myself and know who I am. And it was only when I saw myself that I was able to start to love myself. And now that I love myself, I feel that warm contentment by just being.
Sure, I do feel inspired by the actions of others to do better and be better. As in the gym story, I don’t want exactly what they have, but a version that I define for myself. A version where I can be more like myself. And once I achieve that new goal, I feel that warm contentment again, being grateful to have the ability to define new goals in my life and the opportunity to achieve them. That feeling of peace and freedom inspires me to be more myself. Rather than compete to achieve some ideal, I challenge myself to be more like me and more deeply accept who I am. That brings me gratitude.
