Loving your life is the affair of a lifetime.
Or, when finding that date or relationship no longer matters as much
In the mad dash to find a mate, we hear all types of advice for how to shop, catch, or attract “the one.” Those words — shop, catch, or attract — make me cringe. None of those words communicate mutual choice but an individual winning, finding what they have in mind, as if connecting with a mate or partner was the same as buying the perfect pair of shoes.
Shop, catch, or attract are words that remind me of hunting, scheming, or conniving.
Ideally, dating and mating should be about two people choosing to come together to build a great relationship and life. My best relationships followed that path. And to be honest, whenever ideas like shopping, catching, or attracting entered my dating experience, failure arrived.
People aren’t products. That’s probably why shopping, catching, and attracting aren’t the right words for finding a mate. No person can ever be the “perfect product,” or the “perfect date,” because we have natural human flaws. Many assert that we don’t fall in love with one’s positive traits, but with their flaws. That means that even if you tweak your personality indefinitely, someone will love you for being broken. Arielle Ford got it right when she applied the idea of wabi-sabi, or appreciating beauty that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete” in nature, to romantic love.
Sadly, many dating coaches will endlessly point out ways in which you are somehow broken, “less than” others, or act in the wrong way so you purchase their approaches. They want to be part of what makes you that successful, great product.
But what if you could see your own personal beauty, embraced that, and allowed that to radiate outwards? What if you felt that every day?
I started my journey to self-love in a quest to learn more about compassion. That quest led me to study Buddhism, which led me to love myself. I now feel no need to prove who I am or why I should exist; no need to be right or to justify my thoughts. External validation is unnecessary most days (I’m not perfect, so some days I do need a pat on the back). Generally, I’m okay just as I am.
If you love yourself, dating advice that positions you as a product sounds ridiculous. That’s why I have no interest in it anymore. Not only do I not feel the need to impress others or position my “brand” on an app to get someone to like me, but I have also found that loving myself put my personal peace at a higher priority than finding a partner. I now choose to hang out with others who want to go on that quest for peace with me and release those who don’t.
But let’s say you would like to find the right partner for you, not because you feel that it is missing from your life, but because it would be nice to experience sharing your life. Where do you start?
Step 1: Get started by knowing what you want in life and a relationship.
Do you know what you want romantically? Is it a situationship, a relationship, or a commitment? With one or multiple people?
It is generally accepted that most people achieve their goals if they are honest with themselves about what they want and can clearly state them. And it makes sense. I’ve realized it’s not a spiritual phenomenon when I get what I want. I’m not “summoning” one situation or rejecting another. When I have a goal, I pay attention to what I subconsciously believe will lead me to it and overlook opportunities that don’t actively seem to support it.
With this in mind, it logically follows that if you want an honest, loving, and caring relationship, you’ll pay attention to people who can give that to you. I found that because I’m recovering from past emotional traumas, I instinctively notice people who could bring those back into my life because those relationship patterns feel comfortable. I also find people who are in the same recovery mindset as I am because being around someone like me also feels comfortable.
That insight helped me realize that finding such people aren’t “signs” that I am still broken, on the wrong path, or there is more self-work I need to do to “recover.” I am shifting my patterns by seeing the truth about what’s happening in my life so I can make different choices rather than repeating patterns.
During a Buddhist contemplation, I heard the words, “just see.” I realized that meant seeing without judging, or understanding a situation based only on what you observe rather than telling yourself a story to make sense about what’s happening. So when a friend or family member has an unusual reaction to a comment I say, and I know I didn’t say anything rude or offensive, I do notice their reaction. However, I try to not create a story in my head to explain it. Their reaction is theirs. I don’t really know what’s happening in their minds. I can only see what I observed and make my choices according to that knowledge. I may feel highly confused, but that’s for me to acknowledge and let go.
I have wanted a committed relationship for a long time. I have also wanted to have a growing company rather than an independent consultancy that’s a team of me. They seem unrelated on the surface, but if you look at these goals closely, they are intimately tied together.
Both relate to building relationships; to do that, I need belonging, trust, and connection. I have managed teams and hired people and generally connect with others and collaborate well. But I didn’t choose these teams; someone provided them to me. I haven’t found people I connect with on my own entirely. I constantly struggle with belonging. However, through this struggle, I have learned that I can make a relationship work with people I didn’t actively choose to be around or people who weren’t quite right for me. That’s a strength.
And it makes me wonder what my life would be like if I did choose someone based on sharing similar values as me, not just interests. And this leads me to the next step.
Step 2: If you are struggling to reach your goals, ask yourself, “How did I get where I am now and miss achieving my goals?”
I now know that if I can’t answer that question in 2 sentences or less without blaming someone, speaking in riddles, or using magical thinking, I have a lot of work to do.
After years of reflection, mediation, and other personal work, I realized that while growing up, I observed a series of events that prompted a subconscious “no, thank you” regarding the idea of an intimate, romantic relationship, belonging to a group, or other personal connection. The response was a form of protection and self-love.
One could consider such an admission as blaming, but it’s not. When you are a kid and have zero context about what you’re witnessing among the adults in your life and you need to stay in the good graces of these caregivers, you will create all sorts of stories to make sense of it. That’s where trauma starts. And you can’t blame adults for that. They were doing their best. It’s no one’s fault.
Such introspections can overwhelm those starting their journey for love and change. It’s not easy. Heck, it took me 30 years to see an honest answer to this question.
I never married and was involved in various relationships, situationships, and friends-with-benefits situations for decades. Oddly, I never really understood what held me back from having a committed relationship. To explain my situation away, I’d blame work, how I didn’t want kids, or how I somehow attracted the wrong guys. I thought it was because I couldn’t fully commit or find someone who would fully commit to me. I’d tell myself things like my picker was broken or that flawed relationships somehow were my karma for past lives. I constantly considered myself to be irreparably broken and constantly did personal work. There were other times when I used magical thinking to believe that I did something subconsciously to avoid meeting the right one.
I wasn’t as clear and honest with myself about what happened as I am now. And this honesty will be what brings me the change I want.
There are many ways to get to this point regarding self-love and honesty: therapy, theta healing, astrology, and meditation. Buddhism worked for me. Do what works for you.
The outcome of this journey has been that successful relationships don’t require a bunch of self-work but self-love. I know, this sounds like RuPaul: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”
An aside: When you are looking for the right person for you, consider that you don’t encounter people due to fate or large numbers. Date like a marketer. Effective marketing strategies are based on targeting the ideal customer who would be interested in the solution you are selling. That’s why the idea of going on countless dates to meet someone compatible is counterproductive. Take time to know who you are and what you want, and let those ideas guide you in finding the right person for that relationship you want. This approach won’t increase your dates, but it will increase your success rate and maintain your sanity.
One last note: I think we have all been faced with a decision where we said yes to a risk when our heart told us to say no. Your head may have had the idea that this new person was placed in your path “for a reason.” Your feelings about this person may have been screaming “no, not for you,” but you ignored them because the situation seemed like an opportunity. For the fate believers, consider that your true fate may have been to follow your heart and say no.
Step 3: Choose self-love and self-compassion. Turn inwards and love yourself.
The moment you love yourself, the world changes. Those who passed this threshold can’t explain what happened to them, but they know. All of the dating advice about there being more fish in the sea, what it means to be a confident woman, and the like comes from this idea.
I only recently realized that we all innately feel self-love from childhood; most of us don’t acknowledge it. Rather than listen to that inner, guiding voice to discover what’s right for us, we’ll listen to what society wants from us, stifling that self-love. We learn how to do that in childhood, starting with our families, and it continues throughout our lives.
When I didn’t feel self-love, I blamed myself for every problem in my life. I didn’t see my strengths or what I brought to any relationship. I thought I had to somehow earn love, acceptance, and belonging. And life got confusing because I didn’t know what I needed to do to get that love in a committed relationship. Since life doesn’t come with a manual or guide, I believed that I needed an expert to tell me how to navigate society’s demands to make this all work. I turned to them to get advice in all areas of my life — love, work, and family.
The idea that someone could love and accept me for being myself made no sense to me. Because I didn’t feel that I was enough, I couldn’t accept that being myself was enough for anyone. I felt I needed to be that “perfect product” to earn acceptance.
When I reflect on all this, I realize that I have been chasing approval and acceptance most of my life. I wanted to experience belonging and I was willing to pay any price, even if that meant connecting with someone who didn’t accept me for being me.
When I loved myself, this all changed, like the flip of a switch.
I stopped blaming myself for my role in situations. The idea of fate disappeared, as did the idea of the right person. Romantic notions faded into oblivion. I had little interest in psychoanalyzing others; it wasn’t my job, and I realized that it doesn’t help anyone. I noticed that the people who left my life did it either for their own reasons or because I invited them to — consciously or subconsciously. I didn’t chase them away through some imaginary act.
And in the end, I was always okay.
Self-love redefined my boundaries. Rather than using them to protect myself from an attack, I refused to allow myself to be in situations where I was treated in a cruel way. Rather than judge what others did to me, I more easily saw my role in situations. I stopped needing to actively teach people how to treat me and started treating myself better and becoming kinder to myself.
The bottom line: I became inner-focused rather than outer-focused and learned what that truly meant.
Reading all of those self-help books for decades didn’t teach me this. Compassion cultivation training and feeling compassion, self-compassion, and love did.
Additional Buddhist training also helped me see more clearly situations as they are, not as I want them to be.
I discovered through this inner journey that it’s easy to “pretend” that you love yourself by doing all the right actions and saying the right things. I did for decades. Fake it ‘till you make it is inauthenticity in action.
Loving others may be a choice and action, but self-love is all feeling. You can’t will it into existence or pretend that it happened. When you feel it, you feel worthy and comfortable sharing who you are. I know that when I felt it, I stopped holding myself back and let myself be me in all situations.
Another sign that you have achieved self-love is if you set a boundary, and that boundary chases someone away, you let it be. You no longer chase acceptance and belonging. You belong to yourself. It’s a different feeling and hard to describe. But you know it when you feel it.
Step 4: Don’t put yourself second to the idea of a romantic relationship.
When I first started dating, I was told that you couldn’t tell men that you wanted to get married or you would scare them away. I now see this as the most ridiculous advice I have ever heard. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, although you want to be married, let them go. Such advice reinforces the idea that romantic love should mean more than being true to yourself.
With that mindset, I learned how to put myself and my needs second to any romantic relationship. Now I’m unlearning that.
I frequently see men and women tie themselves into pretzels to attract people they have no business attracting. I did this too. Honestly, in almost every dating situation I was in, I never really felt comfortable being myself (Apologies to my past dating partners reading this. I think, at best, I was 80% myself at any time.). What’s funny is that although I was pretending to be someone else, I was still criticized by my dates for being this fabricated, “better” me. Even the “pretend me” was wrong!
• One man told me that he would never marry me (and the tone implied “even if I were the last person on earth”).
• Another guy told me that he never felt that I was telling him what I really wanted. The irony is that 90% of the time, I was fine with his suggestions. If anything, he never liked what I suggested. (If you ask me, it was a mask for other problems that he had with me.)
• One guy told me that my laugh was hideous, which is funny because he initially claimed that he was attracted to me for my laugh.
• Another one said that I was his second choice for a girlfriend.
• Another said I was too cuddly and wanted too much attention. (And for this, I was being myself.)
In all of these situations, I tried hard to be someone that they would like, and in the end, that didn’t matter. My pretend self didn’t attract them. Would my real self have changed their perspective? I doubt that too.
Now that I have given up trying to be “perfect,” I have realized that it’s not worth changing myself for someone else. And this nonsensical advice about scaring someone away by saying who and what you are reinforces the flawed idea that romantic love — no matter what the cost, even if it means sacrificing your needs and wants — is the answer. It’s not. And it never will be.
Step 5: Date sober.
Not drinking during dates isn’t a popular opinion; however, since I haven’t had a drink in over five years, I feel the difference, and it has served me well.
Substances mask poor relationships. I find that it’s easier to find a drinking buddy than to find someone willing and capable of the intimacy needed to be a good relationship partner.
Years ago, I was on a date with a guy who I knew within 15 minutes after meeting him that we were not a match. He acknowledged that he felt the same when he told me that a woman doesn’t have enough time to run a business and have a relationship (mind you, he was also starting a business.). However, that night it was cold outside, and I knew that I would need to walk three or four blocks to get to public transportation to get home. Rather than take that walk, I overstayed my visit with him by about three hours. I suspect that he stuck around with hopes that I’d ask for a ride home and more. Although that didn’t happen, the evening wasted three hours of both of our lives.
Compare that with a 45-minute coffee date where we both walked away knowing that it was a clear non-match. We were not even a match to be friends. He hated codependents (which I am) and wanted to find a recovered alcoholic for a partner (which he was).
Based on which date wasted less time, it’s clear why I’m a fan of coffee dates.
A drink date introduces the mystique of alcohol and a brand of drama that isn’t necessary for a first meeting. In those situations, it can be hard to discern if you like the person, the drink, or the atmosphere of the place. (Or, in my case, you just want to avoid a cold walk home and stay inside where it is warm.) Further, during evening dates, there is a subtle pressure to spend the evening with someone, or at least more than an hour. I have found that in those situations, I stay beyond just one drink to share some snacks, which leads to dinner, and before I know it, it’s either very late or very early in the morning. That’s fine, but that behavior often led me to be involved with a walking red flag. The “romance” of the evening, veiled in alcohol or an intriguing atmosphere, masked the troublesome traits that I would have seen sober.
Daytime dates automatically come with an exit plan. If needed, I’ll share that I have plans or make them up on the fly to fabricate an elegant exit. This is why not getting the traditional Friday or Saturday night date can be disappointing after dating someone for a while. It’s a message that I’m not worth a commitment for an evening versus having a get-out-of-jail-free card in a back pocket during the afternoon.
Step 6: You realize that your life, no matter what it looks like, IS the love affair you have wanted.
Dating apps can be frustrating. They allow people to describe themselves favorably (sometimes overly so), claiming availability while an algorithm plays matchmaker. And in this game, you are led to believe that this person was selected just for you. It’s not true. You are literally responding to random people who entered data that they believe is true (most likely, their claims aren’t true) that based on historic data, should match with your selected preferences. If you ask me, dating apps are nothing more than an advanced phone book.
You are better off finding the right partner by being yourself and doing what you like to do, whether or not you meet someone.
What’s wonderful about self-love is that you don’t need a date on Friday or Saturday night to feel loved. You feel loved every moment of every day. And choosing what’s right for you comes naturally.
I now understand why so many people say things like it shouldn’t matter if you don’t find “your person.” Rather than going to shop, catch, or attract “the one,” build an amazing life that you like, feels comfortable, and allows you to be completely yourself. I decided to do this for myself, and now I go bird watching most weekends, read, write, and meditate. I also cook and work out every day. And I frequently “dance” to house music in my car or have a dance party for one at home. It’s a quiet, calm, peaceful life, and I like it. I’d love to share it with someone else, but if that doesn’t happen, I know that I’ll be okay.
I’m not trying to catch or attract someone by contorting myself in the name of romantic notions to gain someone’s approval or to fit into society. I’m not on a shopping expedition, swiping left or right. I decided to pursue a different love affair: a journey to create a perfect life with myself that I love.
I hope to find a man who is doing the same. Hopefully, this man will invite me to join him so we experience our journeys together.
If you ask me, that idea feels much better than shopping, catching, or attracting a mate, don’t you think?
