A Heated Game of Scrabble
The word began with a ‘c’
I once called my mother-in-law a cunt.
Have you ever played Scrabble with old people? It’s like everything is riding on the next triple word score that will totally fuck you over from ever catching up in points. My mother in law is no different. Although this woman is a good holy catholic, don’t be fooled by her soft demeanor. She’ll slit your throat over a game of Scrabble just to watch you bleed.
The players were my wife, Katherine, her sister, Amber, my mother-in-law, Debbie, and myself.
The game was basically between Debbie and me, seeing as Amber can hardly spell and my wife doesn’t realize I can see her letters. And before anyone gives me any shit about how could I do that to my wife or that’s cheating — you can save it. What’s the point of playing if you won’t break the rules and talk loads of smack to your spouse? Luckily for you we were only playing Scrabble. You don’t want to hear what I say when we play Pictionary.
At this point in the game, Debbie and I are tied for the lead. Then it happens — I lay down “QI” for thirty two points. Game over, I think.
Debbie stares at the board blankly, blinking in a sort of a mystic rhythm. Breaths are shallow. The hamster is running its ass off up in that head of hers and just like that, she ever so calmly says, “Oh, here we go”.
And from my word “QI”, she plays the word “QUOTE” on a triple word score totaling upwards of sixty points. I was in shock. That’s when it happened. Before I could stop myself, I blurted out with a small chuckle, “Oh, you fucking cunt!”
I wrote down her score as if nothing had happened. When I raised my head all three women were staring at me blankly. All but my wife, actually. The look she was giving me could have killed an ox. Amber sat in disbelief and my mother-in-law was staring at me with hurt in her eyes.
“What happened? What’s going on? Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I ask.
“Did I just hear what I think I heard?” My father-in-law, Jim, shouted from the other room.
“What are we talking about, Jim?” I ask calmly.
Tears have begun to form in Debbie eyes.
“Would somebody mind telling me what the fuck is going on?” I ask.
“You just called my mom the c-word, Philip!” Katherine screams.
“Oh…ooooh! Yeah I did. Look, I was just messing around. I call everybody a cunt from time to time.”
Jim couldn’t contain himself anymore. A slur or tirades spew from his mouth as he wrestles with the lazy boy to get to his feet. While turning the corner he almost trips over the dog.
“Goddamn dog… I’ve had enough of your foul mouth, Philip. You’ve crossed the line. Get out!” he yells.
“Is this about the cunt thing?” I ask. “Because cunt isn’t as bad as you think, Jim. It’s coming back into style; just ask the teenagers. The people in the UK use it as a term of endearment, I believe. And is the dog okay? I’m pretty sure she caught a knee to the face when your stormed in here.”
My efforts are all for naught. Debbie has begun sobbing on my wife’s shoulder. Amber is still in disbelief and almost giggling at the situation. Jim seems like he’s ready to stroke out. Katherine is mortified.
“Just shut up, you idiot! You’ve done enough,” Katherine says to me.
“What’s everyone being all cunty about?” I ask.
“You’re a real pile of shit, Philip,” Jim says.
“I resent that comment, Jim.”
I’ve dug myself into a hole, so I figure I should use the word as much as I can to try and take the edge off.
“And here I thought you guys were a set of cool cunts,” I say as I stand up from the table.
“But apparently you’re not cool cunts; you’re just a bunch of hot cunts. Actually you’re not even worthy of being cunts. I take it back Debbie, looks like you’re not a cunt after all. Your loss.”
I start walking away from the table wondering what the fuck has just happened. As if reverse psychology was going to work on some old people and my overly judgmental spouse. I grab the dog’s leash and clip it to her collar.
“Me and this bitch are gonna take a walk. I feel like she could shit out some of this tension. It feels like you guys could, too, if I’m being honest. And yes, ‘bitch’ is the proper term for a female dog. See you cunts later.”
And with that I walked out the door, dog at my side. There was no good way to salvage the evening. I had called my mother-in-law a cunt.
Family game night hasn’t happened since. I proposed a game of Monopoly a few weeks after the incident but was met with cold stares. I guess it will just take time to let this whole thing blow over. A simple misunderstanding if you ask me. One slip of the tongue and everyone gets all cunty. It’s a shame.
