HUMOR
#BLOW ME, HUBBY! I CAN’T GET TO DRYBAR!
When I lost my job, I tallied up the cost of my Drybar addiction. At first, I thought the blow had to go. But then I remembered! Buttercup, the yellow Drybar Blow Dryer! So, I brought her home.
Surprise!
Now that I’ve whipped her out, I’ll lean back, close my eyes and put my head in your hands. Then you, my handsome husband, can wrap those strong fingers around this handle.
Push that button and blow me out, Buttercup!
A gag? No, I’m not joking. Don’t you push that nozzle away.
Yes, I am a little choked up.
Excuse me? A headache? Really?
So, you’re going to just leave me here, standing in the bathroom, alone, with no choice but to blow myself? Jaw dropping. You should take a picture because it’s the last dropped jaw you’ll be seeing for a while.
Come on now. Let’s start over. Mama needs to tighten her belt. And, since you like to loosen yours, how about a little quid-pro-blow? After all my fluffing and fellating, a little help with frizz and flat-ironing can’t possibly be too much.
You wouldn’t throw cold water on my dreams when all I want is a cold rinse? Frigid temperatures make me tingle all over. I can see it now —
There you are — gently tilting my head back onto a perfect rim, of a sink. Your fingers massaging my scalp, digging in to my thick, thick mane with a white creamy substance, all before Buttercup even gets turned on. Then, you say, sit on my swivel chair as you unwrap the moist towel and point the nozzle. The hot air begins to flow. It travels down the shaft. Never up. Now, that’s a tip for you.
There I am — staring at the mirror. Grinning like a Cheshire cat, as you do all the work. I can hear you asking: Do you like it rough? Naked blow dries are all the rage, you know. No, not that kind of naked. It’s just running your hands through my hair. Breathless. I mean brushless. But, I see you could care less.
Touch this! Go ahead touch it! Do you understand how thick these strands are?
Am I going to have to get down on my knees? Again?
I can’t do this on my own. My budget is blown and it just won’t stretch to cover my twice weekly Drybar visits anymore. So, yes, I’m begging you. Suck it up, swallow it, and agree to stand behind me and pull. A little tension on the shaft, that’s all it takes to straighten it out.
Sure, it’s a little stressful staring at a dripping head. Is wetter better? How dry is too dry? How hot is the airflow? So much maneuvering around. Watch out. Nobody wants hair in their mouth.
Now, get that blow hole back up. Let’s feel the heat.
What? Are you saying something? Can’t hear you above the roar.
How can you be so spent? You’ve only been at it a couple of seconds. But this is too hard. My arms hurt. My poor wrist. Oh the pain. Seriously? After all the time I spent contorting for you? Are you still saying something? I do see those lips moving but —
Remember the classes we took to improve my technique? With that woman and her yellow plastic banana. Have you forgotten? Well, what a coinky-dinky. Buttercup is yellow and plastic but no one expects you to shove her down your throat.
What was it that woman taught us about the Ultimate BJ experience? I know. It has five ingredients. Warmth, wetness, eagerness, repetition, and at least one surprise maneuver. Well surprise, surprise, all five also apply to BD’s — Warm air. Wet hair. I really care. — It’s like a mantra. Let’s repeat it over and over again shall we? Maybe BDSM should stand for Blow Dry Supportive Male.
Did you just say “Ewww. What’s that white stuff?” Well, that’s a low blow if I ever heard one. It’s nothing a little Head and Shoulders can’t resolve, ’cause the only thing that’s uncut on me, are my bangs.
Pull the plug. We are so done. Spare me all the spray and sticky stuff. I like to finish clean. Just turn me around. You can forget about happy endings. And, shake-my-head, don’t even ask about a tip.
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Rochelle Newman-Carrasco credits her love for humor, language and culture to her NYC Lower East Side roots. She is an award-winning playwright, screenwriter, stand-up, and her humorous essays have been published in the Forward, Lunch Ticket, NAILED, Purple Clover, Ad Age and other pubs.
Social Media and other Contact Info: Email:Nuevohombre1@me.com
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