Finally, a Man Who Loves You for Your Brains

3 reasons why you should date a zombie

Luz Maupin
May 10 · 2 min read
Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Amy Shamblen on Unsplash. Love at first “Braaaiins!”

Yes, girl, the answer to your dating woes is available. Like in a rom com, he was here all along and you just didn’t see him that way. He’ll blow your mind. He’s a cutie. He’s a zombie.

The moment a zombie enters your world, your heart will beat faster.

Because you’ll be running for your life, yes. But think about it: you thought you needed more exercise anyway. Want to try HIIT? Ask a zombie.

You’ll practise running, but also kicking—thereby strengthening your hamstrings and hip flexors—and you’ll develop arm strength as you climb barriers. What starts off as a sprint can even develop seamlessly into a full body workout! You’ll reach your fitness goals without thinking about it, because you’ll be busy staying alive (sing the Bee Gees to yourself if it helps).

You can keep playing “abtastic fat-busting calorie-blazing” workout videos on YouTube, or you can run around town in hot pursuit. Your call.

Is it a deserted mall, or the location for unconventional courtship? Zombies have the answer.

From the moment when your eyes meet at the supermarket’s spam section to his irresistible one-syllable one-liners, he’ll be there for you. He’ll pop up in the most unexpected places. He’ll dump his deadbeat zombie friends just to be with you.

A zombie won’t play games. He might not be the prettiest, but he’s dependable. He *is* into you, he’s just not that great at expressing how he feels.

Have you ever been chased with so much devotion?

You’ll get over those unsuitable partners you’ve been picking up on repeat. Does your relationship history feature a string of toxic, emotionally unavailable douches? Throw them in your zombie’s way. Few things are more healing than a beau who’s willing to stand up for you and bite your exes’ heads off.

You’ll feel so valued. If you had trouble setting boundaries, you’ll learn how to express them loud and clear. Real fast, too.

You’ll be free to part ways respectfully: when you give your zombie the break-up speech, he’ll let out a few pained groans, sure, but he won’t object. Don’t forget to knock him unconscious, though. Some have been known to run after a woman with insistence.

And finally, you’ll walk alone in the sunset, a bit fitter, a bit more self-confident, and ready for your next adventure: a healthy, nurturing romantic relationship.

For instance, with that good-looking guy who just left his building for a stroll on deserted streets. You know who I mean.

That hottie with fangs and skin that sparkles.

Dishonourable Unmentionables

Humor articles and lists, both polite and foulmouthed

Thanks to Cécile Duclos

Luz Maupin

Written by

I write for people who’d rather understand before they judge. Check my booklet of prompts for journaling: https://tinyurl.com/y2n7dt9l, https://tinyurl.com/y

Dishonourable Unmentionables

International humour, British sensibility.

Luz Maupin

Written by

I write for people who’d rather understand before they judge. Check my booklet of prompts for journaling: https://tinyurl.com/y2n7dt9l, https://tinyurl.com/y

Dishonourable Unmentionables

International humour, British sensibility.

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