HUMOR
My Concerns Regarding the Upcoming Lads’ Holiday
Who’s organizing the cultural program?
Hey, guys!
Looking forward to our male bonding weekend in Prague. Broskis, brewskis, the legacy of Trotsky — Roar! I just have a few questions about the specifics.
May I invite some women?
Firstly, let me assure you that I LOVE lads’ holidays. There’s nothing I like better than unleashing my underused testosterone upon an ancient European city. I’m sure the Old Town Square will provide the perfect setting for a bout of football chants, public urination, and mild vandalism.
Having said that, it seems selfish to keep the splendors of Prague to ourselves. The holiday could be EVEN BETTER if we were to invite the girls, too! Then I’ll have people to compare goulash notes with while you are off shaving each other’s heads and pretending to bum all 30 statues on Charles Bridge. I wouldn’t ask except Mike insisted we book an entire week. Please?
Who should I inform about my dietary requirements?
I’m particularly looking forward to indulging in the cornucopia of Czech gastronomical delicacies. Pleasingly, the pork, bread dumplings, and sauerkraut sound about as bland as my usual London diet. A busman’s holiday is just what the doctor ordered for my ailing bowels.
Before we leave, however, you should all know about my ‘situation’. My food intolerances and allergies range from the mild (dairy-related IBS) to the potentially fatal (nuts). Should I go into anaphylactic shock in the shadow of St. Vitus Cathedral, it would be great if one person knows what to tell the medics. As John is currently under doctor’s orders not to drink, I’d like it to be him. Don’t worry, John — we all know you’ll fall off the wagon as soon as we arrive at the airport. I’ll provide you with a laminated card and a voice recording with all the information, and my back-up EpiPen, just in case. To reciprocate, I’ll do my best to get you to a hospital should your new liver fail. Deal?
Who’s responsible for the cultural program?
Thanks to Rick for making the itinerary. I see you’ve planned for us to visit a different strip club every night — only right and proper for a group of married fathers knocking on the door of 40, natch! At the same time, it seems a shame to miss the highlights of Prague’s history and culture.
So if nobody objects, I’ll organize an alternative schedule for anyone interested: the Kafka Museum, the Zdeněk Miler exhibition, the world-famous Prague Shakespeare Company, the Black Light Theater, and a group reading of The Unbearable Lightness of Being. Who’s with me?
I will be joining for paintball at the Monument to the Victims of Communism.
What time is curfew?
It’s going to be great to get a few evenings off reading bedtime stories and brushing the 40 milk teeth of the two fragile, beautiful mouths of my children. I can’t wait to sleep in past 7am for the first time since 2012.
On the other hand, none of us are getting any younger. When I step off the return flight, I want David and Chris to see a father who is rested, relaxed, and ready to take up his paternal duties with renewed enthusiasm. Since you unanimously rejected my idea to stay at the monastery, can we agree on a time for lights out? 11pm?
On a related note, I can’t see a spa day in the planning. Is that an oversight?
Can we lay down some ground rules regarding physical contact?
Lads, it’s been so long since we’ve got together as a group. I can’t wait to bond with you over (your) beers and (my) rosé delivered to our table by model train at the Vytopna Railway Restaurant.
But let’s get serious for a second. In this day and age, consent is more important than ever. I’d like to set some boundaries for physical contact so that everyone’s on the same page.
For me, fist-bumps, handshakes, high-fives, slap-hugs, and cheek-kisses are all very welcome. I’ll even tolerate a bum tap. I draw the line at crotch grabs, tongue-kissing, stroke hugs, and any form of penile contact. Let’s try to avoid another Bill situation.
Finally, may I please invite some women?
Please?
Prague, lock up your daughters! Lads on tour! Roar!
