Good news! After arduously negotiating for a few minutes with executives in the field of selling used cars and butchering, we’ve decided that Little League Baseball will finally reopen! We know the sport has been on hold for months due to the dangerous and deadly spread of the novel coronavirus, but we’ve decided to take our chances and open now anyways.
Please know we did not make this decision lightly. We made this critical choice in the name of mental health, as we know moms and dads have nowhere else to throw temper tantrums and yell at children in public. We value healthy competition, and in times of COVID-19, even wheezy competition gets a pass. Because really, what is life without tiny humans with no sense of direction running around a field trying to catch a small ball in an oversized glove anyways?
New Rules for Little League Baseball
All bleachers have been removed to prevent close proximity with other parents. Parents seen sitting too closely to other groups will have to take a time-out.
All spectators are required to wear masks at all times unless yelling at young children to pay attention to the ball in play.
Concession stands will be closed until further notice. All food, drink and other substances will be sold from the back of the director’s van.
Umpires are required to officiate while keeping 6-feet from home plate. While we realize this could impede their ability of accurately calling balls or strikes, we don’t expect it will affect the level of their usual inadequate performance.
Coaches are not allowed to rile up their players under any circumstance. We know you’re the coach. We get it. You’re SO cool. Now move on and shut up.
Players are NOT allowed to share water bottles or drinks at any time.
Players ARE allowed to share gossip about their home life to other adults. The juicier the details, the better.
When two kids are running for a fly ball, the kid who shouts “corona” loudest will then be allowed to chase after said ball. The other kid must sit down and cry until he’s asked to leave the field.
All kids are required to wipe their hands with sanitary wipes every time they touch a baseball. If this rule isn’t followed, play will be resumed with an imaginary baseball.
Every child athlete is required to wear a mask, glove and hat. If any child is caught not wearing these required items on and off the field, we have to assume that they’re not a player and therefore undeserving of adult attention for the duration of the game.
Every child athlete is required to keep 6 feet distance at all times, including in the dugout, on the field and in the stands. If any child is caught not maintaining social distance, they will receive one strike, which, in this case, is a chance at catching the very deadly and dangerous COVID-19. Three strikes and they’re literally out. To be clear, I mean dead. Doornail dead. Probably a wheezy and painful death on an IC ward. You have been warned.
Scores will not be kept under the new rules. Every team is a loser and should go home. There are no winners in the time of corona.