The Divine Comedy: Inferno- Quarantine Edition
First circle: Limbo
It started off with me mistaking Saturday for Sunday and it rapidly progressed to a point where the days of the week turned into Today, Tomorrow, Yesterday, Some day, That day, and Thaaaaaat day. Wait, there are only seven days in a week, right?
Second circle: Lust
On that day, my professor decided to hold classes on Zoom. Watching him ramble on about Kant while I slept in bed and re-watch Bojack Horseman for the 4583th time both annoyed and turned me on. At this point I don’t know if it was Bojack or my professor. I choose to think it was the latter.
Third circle: Gluttony
Well, all those ‘lessons’ really worked up my appetite and imagination. I slipped further down as I contemplated the existence of thongs while eating Krack Jack biscuits by the kg and washing them down with Coke. The drink obviously, which led me to thinking that maybe the solution to all of life’s problems is Krack Jack biscuits. Krack Jack with caviar. Krack Jack with a side of sausage ragu over creamy polenta, and of course Krack Jack-flavoured popcorn.
Fourth circle: Avarice
I decided I was going to read Kant to, you know, impress my professor, and immediately went on Amazon to buy all 12 of his books in four different languages. Not those flimsy paperbacks but the 200$ hard-bound, silk-jacketed ones, because everyone knows that a book is only as good as its cover.
Fifth circle: Anger
Amazon tells me that they aren’t operational due to the pandemic. This rejection triggers me so of course I march to the kitchen, pick the biggest ladle and use it to break my mother’s laptop. She had this coming — knowing how important they were to me, she didn’t stock up on more Krack Jacks.
Sixth circle: Heresy
To cool off, I step into the balcony and notice my neighbour coming back from the grocery store with a carton of Krack Jacks. She probably swiped the shelves clean. The trauma is more than I can handle, I lose my sense of reality and begin to believe that vaccination leads to autism, pineapple on pizza is the best, and that Logan Paul should run for president. I have since begun to hate my neighbour and plan on giving her wifi password to everyone in range.
Seventh circle: Violence
I then realise that my neighbour has changed her password and proceed to throw stones at her plants and her, but it dawns on me that the ability to aim and shoot is something I don’t possess. I decide that the plants are too cute anyway and abandon ship. Instead I just scratch ‘I love Trump’ on the hood of her car, flatten three of her tyres, and run away.
Eighth circle: Fraud
I then receive an email from my professor informing me that he hadn’t received my essay on Kant and his moralities, which was due the previous day. Which having more important things to do, like making a voodoo doll of my neighbour with Krack Jack wrappers, I conveniently forgot about. I promptly emailed him that I had turned it in but that he probably hadn’t received it due to a technical error. Naturally I wouldn’t mind resubmitting it to him on request.
Ninth circle: Treachery
I plagiarise a classmate’s essay I found on the shared drive and turn it in as mine.
