This Ere Is The Queen’s English!
Words inspired by photography
I grew up thinking I spoke English. I got the shock of my life when I moved from the South West of England to go to university in The Big Smoke (London). I had only moved a 2 hours’ drive away from home, and yet apparently I was speaking a different language entirely, which according to some required translation.
At first, I didn’t realize that people couldn’t understand me until a pivotal moment occurred. A young man in my history class, who we will call “Darren”, suddenly called out after I made a comment:
“Hey, could you say that again, we can’t understand you!”
It dawned on me … all those awkward silences and blank faces during my contributions to class had not been due to everyone marveling at my great and rare intellect – no, not at all. They just couldn’t understand a bloody word I was saying and “Darren” was the only one willing to demand clarification, if not translation.
“Use some different words…we still can’t understand you,” cried Darren.
So what was the problem? My accent — for, upon my birth, I was bestowed with a West Country accent. For those among you unfamiliar with the West Country accent, simply imagine a charming English period drama that deals with the pressing daily concerns of a variety of Lords and Ladies. Well, my accent is identical to that of the salt-of-the-earth peasants and farmers working in fields of the aforementioned Lords and Ladies.
You may ask: what does the Olde English peasantry sound like? Well, according to both linguists and historians carrying out cutting-edge research on this very subject, English peasants sound much like the standard accent attributed to traditional, one-legged, parrot-owning, eye-patch-wearing pirates.
Example :
«Arrrhg me hearties» (Standard Pirate)
«Arright me lovver» (Standard Peasant) also (Standard West Country)
This state of affairs only really becomes a problem when West Country folk start to venture out to other parts of the country, where they encounter people less familiar with our parlance.
So, after spending several years in London, I realized that if I were ever going to be taken seriously, I would have to leave the country altogether. I had accumulated multiple higher education degrees, but I was only able to find employment as an extra in various period dramas involving the English peasantry, or ahistorical but politically-correct portrayals of mutinies on the high seas featuring all-female crews of pirates. My choices were limited.
My father, who is not English and owner of a “Mediterranean” accent that has been described over the years as both “exotic” and “charming” (mainly by women), advised me on a daily basis to “get some elocution lessons!” But I stood firm.
“How dare you dad! That’s a level to which I will not stoop! Elocution lessons indeed! I am proud of my roots. I’m ready to do whatever it takes to get a proper job, but I won’t do that!” I declared.
“Well, you better be ready to renew your passport,” he said, “because, with an accent like that, the only place you’ll get a proper job is abroad!”.
Unfortunately, he was right. When I was finally offered work that didn’t involve impersonating peasants and pirates, it was abroad.
I then discovered something rather curious. It would seem that for people abroad, all “British” accents sound the same! As far as people in this far and distant land were concerned, I sounded like the Queen herself!
Of course, I tried not to betray my roots; I warned them that this was not the case at all, but they were having none of it! “Just admit it, you sound just like the Queen!” they would tell me. I resisted the temptation for as long as I could (roughly 48 hours) before agreeing:
“Yes, yes you’re right, all of us Brits sound exactly like the Queen.”
We all know the Queen would probably be most displeased not only with my lack of fortitude but also with the most likely treasonous act of comparing her accent to mine. But the Queen didn’t offer me a job, did she!
So after many years of living far from my native land, I could finally call my dad to say:
“Dad, I think I finally have job security since everyone over here still thinks I speak the Queen’s English!”
“Oh well, you better stay where you are then,” my dad said,“because everyone over here still thinks you speak like a farmer or a pirate.”
