What I Want To Say To Every Guy With Straight Hair

Robert Criss
Dishonourable Unmentionables
3 min readJun 20, 2020


Me, at a young age.

You look like you’re entering the priesthood with your straight hair.

You look like you’ve been drafted into a war with that hair.

You look like the grooves of a comb would fit perfectly on top of your head.

You look like a broken chia pet.

You look like your hair is marching in a single file line to the top of your forehead.

You look like the wind would not deter your hair.

You look like the air force.

You look like your hair looks the same wet as it does dry.

You look like you’d have easy showers.

You look like your hair would never be blamed for clogging a drain.

You look like the example hair in a shampoo commercial.

You look like you can use cancerous shampoo brands that have no negative effect on your hair’s appearance or health.

You look like you have minor hair problems at best.

You look like the navy.

Your hairstyle looks like the default hairstyle.

Your hairstyle looks like it was kept in mind by bike helmet designers.



Robert Criss
Dishonourable Unmentionables

humor writer feat. in Slackjaw, Points in Case, Weekly Humorist, 251, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, Flexx Mag. robertcriss.net