# Withnail & I & the Universal Laws

Withnail’s Law of Reciprocity: You feel unusual. I feel unusual.

Withnail’s Law of Conservation of Mass states that Matter can neither be created nor destroyed. But it can be forked.

Withnail’s Law of Conservation of Society states that the number of drunken men in a tea room cannot equal or exceed the number of pugs in a tea room.

Bernoulli’s Withnail Principle of Fluid Dynamics states that an increase in the speed of lighter fluid down the gullet occurs simultaneously with a decrease in general stress and an increase in maniacal laughter. Lighter fluid is best served at room temperature as an aperitif.

Rule of (Marwood’s) Thumbs: If they’ve gone weird, it’s time to sit down.

Marwood’s First Law of Motion states that an actor at rest will remain at rest unless an outside force, such as an Uncle Monty, acts upon it, at which point the actor will exit the bed at speed.

Marwood’s Second Law of Motion states that if an unbalanced force (such as a Danny) acts on a body (such as a Withnail), that body will experience acceleration (or deceleration), that is, a change of speed (or LSD, or crank, depending on what Danny’s packing).

Zipf’s Withnail Law states that the most common word in a given language is “fuck”, and is used exactly twice as frequently as “bastard” and three times more often than “balls”.

Archimedes’ Presuming Ed Principle states that the volume of Presuming Ed that is immersed in a bathtub, whether fully or partially submerged, is equal to or exceeds the volume of the Marwood that the Presuming Ed displaces.

Schrödinger’s Withnail states that a man is neither in the back of the van nor not in the back of the van until he is observed to be in the back of the van.

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## Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.