Disabled, Disposed, Displaced
Natasha Chandhock
At lower than 10 percent battery,
I’m unable to get up and get the charger,
My leg is cramping, my back is spasming,
My head is hurting,
And with intrusive thoughts having taken over,
I’m asking myself why I’m breaking my body into parts,
Why I’m doing to myself what they do to me,
As I succumb to lying motionless,
fidgeting, playing games on my phone, trying to win at something
And not getting up and getting the charger
I need the charger,
I really really need the charger,
I need to document something,
I need to document pain
I need to do it today.
If I don’t, I won’t find closure.
I need closure to begin hoping again,
If I don’t close this today,
How will I move to applying again?
Applying elsewhere
Applying in spaces claiming to be safe
Safe, Safer, Affirmative, Inclusive
Only claiming thus far
Calling me towards them
Promising me opportunities
Safety, Work, Projects, Money
Promising to help escape-
this constant sense of spasm my life is
And I will go.
Again.
Trust, and put everything in
More than what they ask
More than what my body can take
More than what an able body can take
Just to make sure they don’t do it again-
Disposing me off when I complain
Disposing me off when I ask for help
When I question
When I assert my right
My right to critique a space,
A space built on critique of ableism itself
Unbelievable, almost
How much I hope and trust
How much I stress on justice,
Given how little I make.
Given how small I am-
On their productivity meter
On their stinted ethics meter
With all my disabilities and illnesses,
Limitations, anxieties and fears,
Putting up a show,
a presentation on who I am,
Hitting Send every time,
Every single time,
Without fail
Natasha (they/she) are a self taught mixed/multimedia art practitioner whose work is positioned at the juncture of gender, disability and design justice. They identity as genderqueer and are a person with multiple physical and psychosocial disabilities, informing their practice in various ways. Having formal education in design, their critique of the discipline with regards to ableism and accessibility is a strong value they aim to stress upon in the works they produce, some of which they also sell for a living.
