When food eats me up
Namrata
Living with chronic illnesses makes you look at life differently. The very food, which was till then, a comforting factor, an exciting activity and a fun thing is suddenly reduced to something that is relying more on algorithms, numbers, bites and calories.
My relationship with food was special. I loved everything about food. From chopping to garnish, from the aroma of spices to the tadka, I enjoyed them all. This showed in the way I cooked and ate for I would relish every single bite with unparalleled joy. Like they say, ‘Eating is a need, enjoying is an art’. I enjoyed food. Though life had other plans for me!
After being diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder in 2012, till date I have added 35 food restrictions to my list. It started with the basic lactose and gluten and went up to salt, sugar, carbs, aerated drinks, cold things, grains etc. The types of food I can eat now are restricted, or rather extremely restricted but I still try to make them interesting enough to enjoy my meals rather than feel sad about it. This essay is not a sad note on the food items I miss. It is a rant on the ways a person living with chronic illness is made to feel about their illness and the challenges it brings along.
*-*-*
I moved to Mumbai circa 2014 from a small town as my doctor had recommended me to consult an immunologist. My town didn’t have any. So here I was, in a new metro city looking to start afresh. Having just recently quit my well-paying corporate job (for health reasons, duh!) I was spending frugally till I was able to start earning again.
I remember reaching out to a friend who had been living in the city for more than four decades to help me find a good cook. Soon, I was the topic of discussion among various groups we had common friends in. Every one wanted to teach me how to cook and also remind me how cooking is an essential skill for survival. I was patient till the time one of the decided to call me and proceeded to enlighten me about the easy to prepare recipes adding how I had it easy as I was still single. Marriage, motherhood and all other challenges lay ahead of me for which cooking was extremely essential.
That is when I snapped back and responded, “ I can cook since I was 8. I can whip up a storm in the kitchen and lay down a 6 course meal for 4 in 2 hours. The thing is my health currently is not supporting me. I cannot stand for long or even hold a knife properly in my hands. And that is the reason I am looking for a cook!”
The phone call ended soon later without any further discussion.
Interestingly, it was only later did I realize that the gyaan of “Eating Healthy Home-made food” is offered as a solution for all illnesses irrespective of the nature of their seriousness. I sometimes wonder if people shared compassion and love this freely as much as they share such unsolicited advices the world would have been such a better place.
Imagine getting a dabba full of healthy home-made food everytime someone visited you to give free advice!**Bliss**
I have had doctors, healers, therapists and, nutritionists tell me how eating healthy can solve 80% of my health issues. For my next question however, they do not have any answers. I tend to ask, “I stay alone. On some days it is diffcult to even get out of the bed, leave alone holding a toothbrush or a comb. Any alternatives to home cooked healthy food?”
I have multiple reasons to crib on this Eat Healthy Home-made food slogan. For starters the healthy options available in the market are not pocket friendly. Moreover, they are not accessible for everyone. Not all supermarkets or shops store such options. Neither do food delivery apps deliver in all areas. Secondly, not everyone can manage to find a cook or chef who can personalize their diet to the T. Thirdly when you live alone, survival is a challenge in itself with an illness. Adding home cooked meals only to it, only increases the stress and nothing else.
Last year I had a partial stroke. One of the doctors was sure it was because I had a road-side frankie after 4 months just to feel good. Which, to be honest, I could barely eat beyond a few bites. I even explained that I was accompanied by a friend who had the same frankie (in full!) and is absolutely fine at the moment. But nope, it is the frankie my dear! You need to stop eating outside food to be fine.
A few days before the stroke I fell down in my house, injuring myself badly. And you guessed it right my friends! The culprit this time also was the vegetable sandwich I had had for breakfast.
Till about a few years even home-cooks was not an option for the area I lived in. If they could cook, they couldn’t deliver. All in all, it was back to square one. In the last eight years I have undergone a couple of surgeries, some small and some significant. Each one impacting my health in a not-so-good way. I remember a night of pain and tears in 2020, on the verge of a severe breakdown, begging a home cook to accommodate my food request for a week till I gathered some strength to be out of bed. I was willing to pay extra for the door-step delivery on specific times. Of course, she was kind enough to oblige.
Funnily enough, this list of advice-givers does not only include qualified people. It also includes friends, family, acquaintances and at times, absolute strangers. I have been ridiculed for paying a vegetable vendor to cut vegetables for me. I am considered extravagant for buying cut fruits at supermarkets.
Call me whatever you want, the challenge of making healthy food options accessible and affordable is something one shouldn’t ignore. It is the need of the hour.
I agree, eating healthy is a choice but believe me when I say, at times, it is not even on the list of choices available. Sometimes, the list is reduced to only EAT!
Namrata has been a Hashimoto warrior for a decade and is documenting her journey in a soon-to-be-published book of essays. She enjoys writing stories and think-pieces on literary criticism, chronic illnesses, travel, relationships, mindfulness, and gender. Her articles and book reviews can be found in Kitaab, Asian Review of Books, Contemporary South Asia Journal of King’s College-London, Daily Star, The Friday Times, Feminism in India, and Cafe Dissensus.
