Here’s 5 Healthy Weeknight Dinners, You Fat Lard
I bet you don’t even know what a lime looks like…
If you’re like me, and I assume you are, you’re always eating healthily. Every meal. Every snack. Every damn day of the year. Apparently some people find this difficult for some reason. Those people are trash, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to help them. So, I’ve complied five recipes that even the dumbest trash people can wrap their gaping mouths around.
Bon appétit, dildos.
1. Here’s One With Goddamn Vegetables For Once
This might be confusing for you, but the brightly coloured bits are vegetables. I know they might seem scary but remember: they’re more scared of you than you are of them.
Ingredients:
Cucumber / Tomato / A Big Egg / Ham / Peppers I Think
Preparation:
Chop them up and eat them. Boil egg. Can you handle that? Is that too much for you to process? Don’t understand because there’s no deep frying process? God, you disgust me.
2. Here’s One With No Carbs, Hold Onto Your Gross Hat
“Whaaaaaat??! No bread? No pasta? No rice? But that’s not a real meal!”
Shut your fat mouth. If you can tear yourself away from deep-throating a baguette for 10 seconds, try this recipe and think about what a disgusting mess you are most of the time.
Ingredients
Leaves / Pomegranate Seeds / Chicken Breast
Preparation
Bake Chicken. Put leaves and seeds in bowl. Eat it. Go for a run. Make a smoothie. Call your mother. Do Yoga. Start saving for a pension. Get your life together. Season with lemon.
3. Here’s One Like Your Also Fat Mom Used To Make
Well this one doesn’t look to bad. It’s pasta right? It’s beef? It like the stuff you usually eat — delicious and warm and easy to make and satisfying and totally fine in moderation?
WRONG!
The beef is Quorn, the pasta is zucchini and it’s served cold. Life is suffering, why should food be any different.
Ingredients
Quorn / spiralised zucchini / raw tomato sauce / chopped tomatoes
Preparation
Boil spaghetti. Mix Quorn and sauce. Mix. Leave to chill. Add Chopped tomatoes. Cry into saucepan for extra seasoning.
4. Here’s An Asian One (I Bet You’re Racist As Well As Fat)
I bet you’re looking at the screen right now, scratching your balls thinking, “what the heck is that?”. Well I hope you’re sitting down (What am I saying? You’re always sitting down) because *drumroll* it’s sushi. Thats Suu-shee. Its from Asia. That’s A-She-A. It’s a country. Google it.
Ingredients
Raw Fish / Rice/ Leaf/ Wooden Table
Preparation
Leave raw fish on counter for 1–2 days. Freeze rice into balls. Stack. Just like Lunchables — you know, that thing you have for breakfast every morning, because you’re disgusting.
5. Here’s One That Has Avocado In It
Avocados are great. No Negativity here.
Ingredients
Avocado
Preparation
Eat the Avocado
So now you have the information to go out there and eat healthily. But you probably wont. I’ve heard all the excuses:
“I have a job”
“I have three kids”
“I’m in the hospital”
“I just couldn’t give a shit”
Excuses don’t get results. It’s time to take personal responsibility for your yucky life. If you don’t, you’re never going to be a proper person, and until then I will see you as sub-human.
Love you guys!!!! ❤❤❤
Have a great week!!!!
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
