A guide to Better Mental Health by a Common Person
A healthy state of mind allows us to find ways to be happier and be more satisfied, be less anxious and less stressed, enjoy the time we spend with our family, friends and other human beings, stay motivated and connected to our values and add value to the society. Hence, it is very critical to take care of our mental health.
There are many resources available on the internet, many books written and mental health counseling is becoming more accessible and culturally more acceptable. There are many options. And that is a problem for a common person, to make a choice and get started.
When I first realized that I wanted to seek help to improve my mental health, most of the things I read sounded like coming from the experts or from the people who seemed to have got it. I couldn’t find something that would talk to me in a common person’s language, someone who was not sure of the level of difficulty, potential challenges, unaware of small wins achievable by simple efforts or how I was going to feel about it or understand which of my fears were rational. In addition, I did not know how much it would cost me to see a counselor on a regular basis. I was also hesitant to ask someone, including my HR personnel, because that would require me to accept and express the feeling of vulnerability.
The trigger for me was reading Will Wheaton’s post— My name is Wil Wheaton. I Live With Chronic Depression and Generalized Anxiety. I Am Not Ashamed. For the first time, I could intellectually relate with my mental health struggles, and felt confident to take the first step towards taking control over my mental well being. I decided to take a 6 week break from work and reached out to the benefits expert in my company to get guidance on where to start. I met with my counselor for the first time on June 21, 2019, and have been meeting with her on a regular cadence since. It has changed my life, and I am not exaggerating.
Here, I will share some practical points and relevant advice based on my learnings through this journey as a common person.
It is normal, be ok with it
Considering mental health conversation a taboo or treating people with varied level of mental illness as lesser human beings are two of the biggest obstructions to the overall mental well being of our society.
With the right attitude and intentional effort, one can overcome the inertia holding them back from taking control of their mental health.
Identifying an aspect of mental health that one would like to work on and working on it is normal. However, I find it much easier to talk about physical illness, e.g. back pain, working on a better posture and doing necessary exercises to strengthen my back. But when wanting to talk about anxiety, I feel a weird sense of vulnerability, and face a doubt of whether people I talk to will think less of me. I overcome this doubt and fear by thinking of some equivalent examples of physical health and ask myself if I would hesitate to talk about it. It will take some intentional effort to be ok about mental health as a topic; be intentional.
It is also important to note that effort towards mental wellness does not need to be reactionary only. Aspiring for a state where one is able to process their emotions better can be compared to an aspiration of being able to run a marathon.
Understand that what you feel is real
Here is a quote from Will Wheaton’s post, that I absolutely relate to
My life is, by every objective measurement, very very good.
I have loving parents and a sibling who have always loved and accepted me. I live with my wife, who is a strong support and a dream partner, and her parents to whom I am a son, not a son-in-law. I have close friends that I trust. I work for a popular tech company that truly cares about its people, a place where I learned so much about Diversity & Inclusion, and a place which is a second home to me. I am a software engineer with an excellent reputation, which in current times, makes me feel professionally secure. I am physically fit and able, and have resources to take care of myself, and if need be, my family.
Whenever I felt grief or struggled with my self-esteem, self-confidence or self-worth, I would think of all the people who have much less, live in sufferings and loss, live in fear or hunger, a life much less privileged than mine, and I would think my pain is not real. I would invalidate my feelings. How we feel is unique to us. In any given situation, each of us will feel differently.
Instead of invalidating my feelings by comparing to those of others, I am learning to accept and understand them, and understand my unfulfilled needs behind those feelings.
It is difficult to express certain feelings for they make us feel vulnerable. Open up to a friend or a family member or someone that you trust. Our vulnerabilities are what allow us to trust and connect with others.
Become Aware & Identify the areas to address
How do I know if I have areas of mental health that I need to address? Some of us may have some sort of mental illness — depression and anxiety being the common ones, many of us may not. Change starts with awareness. You can start with these questions:
- Do I often have mood swings?
- Do I easily get frustrated, irritated, annoyed or offended?
- Do I often think I am unhappy or often worry that people are unhappy with me?
Logging one’s moods is a very valuable and insightful exercise. I use Moodnotes to log my moods 3–4 times a day. There are many other mood tracking apps available in the market. This is a good starting point. After 3 weeks of logging my moods, it was very insightful to find the trends and see the dominant mood for the week or the time of the day. The notes that I add when I log my mood help me find if there are patterns of activities that lead to a certain mood. If you decide to seek professional help, mood logs will be a great resource.
Go slow to go fast
There are many factors that affect our mental health. Understanding our feelings and emotions, the triggers, the necessary changes and developing skills and habits to make those changes is hard and is a slow process.
When we feel weak, most of us have been trained to power through; suppressing our emotions is considered being courageous. Here, in the western world, and specifically in the tech industry, we get ourselves into this race of progress and growth.
Life is a journey, not a race
We need to pace ourselves so that we can maximize the benefits of this journey. In order to recover and recharge ourselves mentally and physically, we need a break. Break also allows us to disconnect, and then step back and look at the bigger picture, reflect and course correct if needed. Trying to be productive when we are stressed, exhausted or lacking motivation is most likely an effort in vain. Feel ok to ask for a break from work or whatever you are doing, don’t wait until you feel burnt out. A break can re-energize and we can come back with a fresh drive. An efficient routine of taking breaks will, in long term, effectively improve one’s productivity and the quality of their work.
Empower yourself by taking responsibility for your feelings and actions
Per National Geographic’s Your Emotions:
We have three big emotional influencers: our genes, our parents and the world we grow up in. Experts differ as to which has more sway, though ultimate determiner in how you feel and behave is you.
From Nonviolent Communications: A Language of Life,
What others do may be the stimulus of our feelings, not the cause.
and,
People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take on them — Epictetus
I started feeling emotionally liberated once I stopped seeing myself responsible for how others feel. This does not mean that I am not accountable for my actions.
I started feeling empowered once I understood that I have a choice to feel a certain way, and how I feel does not have to be influenced or controlled by others’ actions. It has helped me significantly with my anxiety.
Understanding that I am in control of my feelings made me understand that happiness is a choice.
Learn to Empathize & to Actively Listen
Empathy is an ability to imagine and feel other people’s emotions.
In this article, Importance and Benefits of Empathy, Kendra Cherry writes:
Empathy allows people to build social connections. Empathizing with others helps you learn to regulate your own emotions. Emotional regulation is important in that it allows you to manage what you are feeling, even in times of great stress, without becoming overwhelmed.
When we understand others, we feel safe and secure. To understand others, we need to listen to them, be present. In most cases, we tend to offer advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling, or attempt to fix a situation for them. Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to pay full attention to other person’s message. It can knock off some of the pressure when you realize that you are not required to have an answer in all conversations, and you may find yourself being more engaged and connected. The best explanation of active listening that I have heard is:
Listen to understand, and not to be understood
It is equally important to empathize with ourselves. When we don’t succeed, we tend to get critical of and blame ourselves. We think we didn’t do enough or didn’t do the right thing or were stupid. This can hurt. We get into this negative feedback loop, and find it hard to come out of it. Self-empathy can prevent this negative cycle, and allow us to understand and be mindful of our own needs and address them. It can help us move forward.
I would like to acknowledge that learning to empathize and actively listening have been the most difficult skills to get better at.
Consult with a Mental Health Professional
We are unlikely to be able to understand all our needs, feelings and emotions, and may not be able to make the necessary changes on our own. Friends and family members may have the best intent, but will have a limited ability to listen and understand objectively for many reasons. They may not be emotionally available or willing at the time or frequently enough. Since mental health professionals are trained in this field and are outsiders in a way, they are in a better state to listen to us objectively. Their experience in the field enables them to provide reasonably objective advice.
Finding a professional who is right for you could be a process that requires patience and faith. I was warned that I may not feel the connection with the first therapist that I meet, and that is ok. It is ok to say, “this is not working, and I need to find someone else”.
I was lucky to connect with a therapist who understands my thought process, is able to identify my underlying needs and critical behavior patterns, and her suggestions have helped me grow tremendously.
And finally, take actions
The most critical part is to take action. Don’t just be in motion, take action. Per James Clear, in his book, Atomic Habits:
When you’re in motion, you’re planning and strategizing and learning. Those are all good things, but they don’t produce a result. Action, on the other hand, is the type of behavior that will deliver outcome.
Walk Slowly, but Never Backward
Find something that seems like an easy win. The more wins you score, the greater will be the motivation to encounter a bigger challenge.
By taking appropriate care of our mental health, we are significantly lowering our chances of mental illness. So, let’s take care of ourselves, and be there for others.
Resources
Books / Reading:
- Nonviolent Communication, by Marshall Rosenberg [book]
- The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman [book]
- Atomic Habits, by James Clear [book]
- Your Emotions — Science of How You Feel, a National Geographic issue [magazine issue]
- Importance and Benefits of Empathy, Amy Morin [internet article]
Apps:
I am Suchit Parikh, and I am working on strengthening my mental health, currently focusing on learning to listen and communicate kindly, on understanding people’s needs and feelings through their communication, and be more aware and mindful of my behavior.
