Expecting Unexpected Depression
Many women share news of pregnancy to their families and social media accounts around 9–12 weeks of pregnancy. I waited until 20 weeks and here is why.
Not all pregnancies are the same as you may have heard from many mothers. Some have a spectacular glow and joyous beat in their step, while others share accounts of a not so amazing pregnancy experience. Well, if you guessed it, mine…well that one is not so glamorous.
Starting back in September of 2021 I experienced one of the lowest points with depression. I became very erratic and unstable, to the point of checking myself into BMED(the psych ward in the hospital). I only spent 3–4 days in there, however it was one of the best and worst experiences of my life.
My second or third day in there I began having this burning painful sensation in my nipples every time my beautiful orange get up even slightly touched my skin. Followed by hardly eating anything because of nausea. I just figured it was my medication being out of sorts and my body getting used to it again. In my situation, that was not the case.
After taking nausea medication for multiple meals, I finally asked if they could check me for pregnancy, thinking it was for sure going to come back negative since I had a bad miscarriage 2 months before.
When the nurse found me she pulled me into my room and closed the door. This was when she gave me the news that I was 2–3 weeks pregnant.
I waited for a couple hours and then everything started to set in and I contacted my family and boyfriend. They didn’t believe me until I completely stopped smoking, drinking and took a pregnancy test a few weeks later.
So…this is why my depression decided to say hello after a few years of being stable. My hormones were so bad and out of whack that I could not function without possibly being my own downfall.
When I checked out of BMED I was thanked by one nurse in specific, who told me that it was a pleasure to have met me and that I was an outstanding patient. He was my favorite nurse because he made sure each and everyone of us in their had a life changing experience and was so willing to share his own stories as a way of emotional support.
I was not sure what I would eventually do, although I knew I would keep the baby IF it ended up being a healthy pregnancy. Boy oh boy… I was in for a surprise.
After having a miscarriage I became terrified of having a child. Partly because of my own mental health. Would I even be able to provide a happy and healthy childhood to my child?
I knew I needed help. But how and who?
I had been in therapy for 6 months at this point and trusted my therapist, she was the one that told me BMED would be my best option to figure out my medication.
As I sat in therapy for the first time after my episode, she pulled out some cards with pictures on them. She said to pick out any and all that make me feel any type of emotion. After I had gone through a stack of about 30 I had 15.
Every single one of them was either anger or fear, other than one…happiness. She told me to remember that picture and always think of it in correlation to my unborn baby at that time. I have held onto that ever since. Now if I were to do that exercise, I believe I would pick mostly happiness instead of anger and fear.
And then it happened.
At 12 weeks of pregnancy I began bleeding. Not a light bleeding but bleeding that ran down my legs. I immediately called the doctor and they told me to go into the ER and get checked out. As we pulled up I began to cry. This was the first time I was crying due to fear of losing my baby. I had not felt that type of heartbreak before.
The ER checked me and found a steady healthy heartbeat. My baby was OK.
They told me to go into the OBGYN the next Monday to make sure everything was okay still, and it was.
Fast forward 2 more weeks and I had more bleeding. Not near as much but enough for me to worry, so I made another visit to the OBGYN. Everything was okay once again.
They were never able to figure out why I began bleeding, but they figured that a vein had ruptured in my uterus and that caused the bleeding. Because of my multiple scares, they recommended that I see a high risk doctor.
Around 16 weeks pregnant, my manager which was like a second mother became very sick with COVID-19. After a long 2 week battle she succumbed to the sickness. I felt as if I needed to keep it together for everyone else…so I did.
After that I waited another 6 weeks before sharing the news with other family and friends. I was already 20 weeks pregnant, halfway through.
At 20 weeks my nausea had died down for the most part other than my favorite food was now revolting. Still is to this day.
My ankles were already swelling and my back was in so much pain. I rarely had a decent night of sleep. Either I was running to the bathroom, or I was tossing and turning. I needed help getting out of bed, and normal easy everyday tasks became hard.
I also had vertigo randomly throughout the day and extremely low blood pressure to the point of needing to eat more salt, which caused more swelling in my feet and ankles.
21 weeks pregnant, and I had COVID-19. It was not an easy sickness and caused a lot of discomfort and I knew that it was taking a big toll on my baby. But after 2 weeks I was back at it again.
At 32 weeks pregnant I put in my two weeks notice at my job, where I was making $25-$30 an hour because I could no longer complete my job without having to leave halfway through the day. I began doing doordash to try and supplement enough money to pay my bills.
My mental health was doing okay and I finally started to feel joy and love for my baby. Granted I was taking enough medication for 8 people…which the doctors informed me was more important to keep me mentally stable vs the risk of flying off the handle again.
I also ended up getting extremely sick with Influenza A. I could not breathe well and would get winded if I stood for more than 5 minutes. But that too passed and I continued on the final stretch of pregnancy.
At 34 weeks pregnant I hit another wall. My mental state once again became bad. I never wanted to do anything and the death of my manager had finally hit me. I could not hold it in anymore. We tried to up my Abilify, however that made things worse, so I was left with the only option to battle through my emotions with therapy and myself.
At 37 weeks I was considered full term and extremely ready to have the baby. My ankles were so big I could not see my toes, I hadn't been able to shave my legs for months and I felt helpless. I began drinking tea and working on getting the baby to drop.
At 38 weeks I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Alijah. He is my world and I believe he has helped me fight some of my biggest demons, myself.
After his birth I noticed a spike in my depression again. However this time I knew the signs, so I called the doctor and upped my medication to 200mg of Zoloft and 1mg of Abilify.
During this time I was also being shamed for my mental health issues by my boyfriends parents. Which After 3 years of being together has not gotten any better, however, he now sees how his parents treat me, which is not well. We now keep our distance and my mental health is on a rise.
I truly believe Alijah is a blessing from god, or whoever you believe in. He has been my anchor through this whole process. My Mister Man is worth all of this over and over again, and I am thankful for all of the experience I had. Thank you Alijah, Love Momma.
