infinity everywhere

09.03.2024. flash poem

i guess i’ve been chasing art and love and life
in all kinds of wrong and right places,
in search of something that scares me —
actually being seen.

black car. red car. silver car. the occasional blue.
who is leading who?
and why are they looking at me?

why do i matter? i’m just…
i don’t even know where i’m from.
i’m talking spiritually.

i have a couple mothers…
one who raised me first,
one who raised me second,
one who watches over me
and tells me the important stuff.

wow — overhead i see everything i believe in.
what would i give away for that?
dumping. sorting. nakedness.
a backpack longer than the bible.

orange sprays and purple glitters,
not my first time being kicked,
feeling like i fucked my whole life,
far worse — did i fuck someone else’s?
a party of hating me, am i that bad?

when i tried to go home,
way back, there was nowhere to go,
nowhere safe at least.
i just got stuck at the intersection
where i eventually chose to sleep
until my eyes caught fire,
and i needed to stay awake.

i can’t believe this is happening!
but it’s been in me for decades,
this mess of existing in this mess.
and now it’s painted all around me.

it’s like infinity everywhere…
trying to do right and getting even more jammed.

god, can’t you see that i’m trying?
i messed up a lot of times, yes,
but damn i was trying so hard for so long…
and i kept trying and learning and trying.

was it all just wasted?
where should i even go now?

the hospital is supposed to be safe,
but nothing about this ambulance feels good.
i can’t go. i can’t go. i won’t go.

black car. red car.
i’m gonna walk there
and on the way scream for a while
at the institution’s door.
didn’t they trigger this?
roar. and roar. and roar.
i screamed.
roar. and roar. and roar.
bus.

black car. white car. silver car. blue car.
a parade that told the longest story,
i walked ages through playgrounds.
lightshows from a cone,
until even i had to sleep.

waking up and needing to move…
where is my walking stick?
that’s my stick! my precious stick!
where is it now?
how could i have left it behind?

i guess i’ll have to hobble.

where am i going?
there’s just so many lights…
all this consumption i’m part of
and my remaining contact is blurred…

i’m just another body here,
contributing to this heartlessness.
hopelessness. heartlessness.
they are one and the same before me.

it’s too cold to be shirtless.
i’m too weak to climb a fence.

now i’m a shirtless girl climbing a fence.

white skin and pink pain and garbage,
i swear i had a blue soul once.
where is it now?
where am i now?
where is it now?
where is my soul now?

where is my soul and
what color is it in this moonlight?

i’m alone in a parking lot,
or something like that,
not an unfamiliar place for me,
surrounded by many distinct lights.
which ones should i follow?

i keep walking…
is there a golden path somewhere?
i would have walked right into that tunnel,
you better know it,
i would have walked way far and deep into it.
but i was tackled…
i didn’t care about that traffic.
i stopped caring about the traffic years ago.

i slept a long time then,
more than i’ve slept in ages.
until i calmed a little.
meds. food. bed.
meds. food. bed.

meds.

i saw dragonflies and a butterfly,
when it was all done,
at least for that little then,
done for then,
and some white doves here and there in the sky.
because of them, i do have faith.

it is so wild to be seen
and to feel loved by my community even when seen.

i kept trying to die, for ages,
before i went, i really wanted to be seen,
but was also terrified of it.
i normally like to stay behind the scenes.

no matter what happens now though,
no matter when i do die,
what i know right now,
what i know completely right now
is that i’m alive.

i’m alive.
i’m alive right now.
i’m alive. i’m alive.
i’m alive.

i was feeling so dead for such a long time,
and now i find myself sitting here

alive.