One Man’s Lack is Another Man’s Pleasure: A Declaration of Dependence
Often, I think to myself that I would give up anything just to not have to live with my left-sided weakness and left-sided vision loss, which are results of my surviving a pediatric brain cancer diagnosis. I reflect that I would trade my skills, hobbies, and even my career, if only I could be free of my physical limitations. I would not go so far as to sacrifice my faith, family, or friends because these are immense, invaluable blessings. (And, I want to acknowledge that, unfortunately, many people have not been not given such firm foundations, and that we should work to help others discover them.) Still, I frequently believe that I would happily cede many of my abilities, interests, and opportunities, just to be able to live more of a “normal” life.
You too may have had similar thoughts before, whether it be related to not having a certain skill, living with family strife, losing a loved one, going through career difficulties, being diagnosed with a chronic illness, etc. The cross of comparing ourselves to others, or to our ideal selves, can weigh heavy on our shoulders throughout different seasons in life. Nonetheless, only once we realize that what we lack is meant to draw us out of ourselves toward others, and that it should be our pleasure to share that which we do have with those in need, we can begin to feel less isolated and rise out of our struggles more quickly, and we can help others do so as well.
For me, it has been easy to feel left out when I am kept from doing something due to the long-lasting effects of my brain cancer treatment. Activities such as playing laser tag, rock climbing, playing sports, riding a bike, and playing guitar, among others, have always been more difficult for me, without a full visual field and equal strength and coordination in both of my arms and legs. Often, I have resorted to just standing on the sidelines as my friends play sports. Or, I have tried to join in laser tag or rock climbing, but due to my poor vision and weak left arm and leg, I have ended up struggling and have resigned myself to being pushed to the periphery, as my friends tout their stats and avoid interacting with me or make jokes about my scores because they see that I ended up in last place. Other times, I have wanted to be part of a group or activity, but I hold back because I know that I would constantly be comparing myself to those who are more able than I am. I do desperately desire to participate in these hobbies with my friends; but, in reality, I have slowly found more peace in accepting my limitations, and instead, more fully enjoying the things that I can do.
When we are focused on our limitations, we can quickly fall into a fatalistic mindset. I know that for myself, it has been extremely difficult to accept the fact that, even despite years of physical and occupational therapy, I will never be able to fully gain back these physical functions which I lack. Sometimes, I end up yielding to the belief that God predestined my life to be this difficult and that He wanted me to end up as limited as I am today. However, as seen in various writings of Catholic saints and other Christian authors (e.g. St. Paul, St. John of the Cross, St. Mother Teresa, C.S. Lewis, etc.), it is emphasized that God does not cause evils to occur; rather, at times, He allows them to come to pass. Nonetheless, He can use them to bring about an even greater good (clearly explained in C.S. Lewis’s concept of a “complex good”). As such, in trying to understand how we ought to live with our particular limitations, it is by being drawn out of ourselves that we are made to realize that we must depend on others, and ultimately God, in our times of need.
As described earlier, comparison can be such a natural habit to pick up. However, it ends up only dragging down our mindset and self-esteem much more than it does any good. A lot of my life, I have wasted time comparing myself to others — at the gym, on the sports field, and even on the street, at work, and in the mundanities of life. Anytime that my vision loss or physical weakness are made evident to me, I look around and see all those who do not have to live with these burdens. I become envious of others who do not have to continuously remind themselves to walk properly, to think about which muscles they want to engage, and to look left to fill in their visual field. I wish that I could live without all this mental and physical baggage.
However, the more that we get to know others, the more we will find that we all have our limitations, albeit in different ways and to varying degrees. Additionally, reading others’ life stories can reveal the variety of struggles that people deal with in life (a few that I recommend include Man’s Search for Meaning, A Grief Observed, When Breath Becomes Air, Ghost Boy, and Option B). One person may have trouble finding a job. A second may have been raised in a broken family. A third may have lost a loved one. A fourth may be dealing with physical or mental illness. These difficulties may not be as evident to everyone else all of the time. Still, the person living with them has to bear and be reminded of them everyday, just as you do with yours. In sharing with others more and learning of their crosses, we can come to view our pain in a larger context. As Anna Quindlen describes in her New York Times article, we can find “those of us who recognize in one another a kindred chasm deep in the center of who we are.” As such, we will be able to see that there are others who have limitations in ways that we do not. And, we may be able to offer them help in certain ways, as they are able to do the same for us.
Nonetheless, part of the process of healing is mourning our own losses. For most of my life, I have had a “pick yourself up by the bootstraps” mentality. As a kid going through cancer treatment, I did not really complain, as I just assumed that I had to keep on going forward to survive. Growing up, I wanted so badly to have a normal life, that I persevered in all my activities, just so that I could seem to participate — in school, Boy Scouts, marching band, etc. — equally with my peers. And, even as a young adult, I have kept wearing this mask of independence, such that not many people know about the specific difficulties with which I live. Unfortunately, through this fierce facade of fortitude, I have ended up ignoring my need to recognize and mourn my own losses. However, it is evident that even children need to address their struggles and learn how their views of themselves and the world are affected (as I noted in “It’s Something I Deal With”). I know it is certainly true for adults. If we do not take the time to acknowledge our weaknesses and to recognize how they affect our worldview, we will end up distorting how we see ourselves, in comparison to the reality of who we actually are.
The truth is that we all need others’ help to get along in this life. But, our society tells us the exact opposite. “You have to succeed on your own.” “If you ask for help, you are weak.” “You cannot let others see your difficulties.” All of these lies may circle in our heads when we find ourselves struggling on our own. Social media and the entertainment industry have only worsened the issue by allowing our minds to be permeated with the belief that no one else in our social networks is suffering and that the ideal life is that unattainable image of celebrity opulence, comfort, and perfection. However, these falsehoods only end up trapping us further in our isolated individualism.
Instead, in line with the title of a book by the late Catholic archbishop, Blessed Fulton Sheen, we need to accept a Declaration of Dependence. Though this work is more focused on political and religious themes, the topics can still apply to our daily struggles. It is evident that ignoring reason and virtue in civic issues can lead to social disarray; similarly, ignoring the reality of our limitations and weakness can lead to personal discontentment and disillusionment. Just as political ends can be pursued for selfish purposes, likewise, we can live out of the prideful belief that we are self-sufficient. In the same way that disregarding the natural law has led to the devolution of social values, so can ignoring our innate need for community and reliance upon God and one another degrade our self-integrity. Ironically, in returning to a dependence on God and others, we can find true independence — that is, freedom from the lies keeping us confined to our limited sense of self.
Nonetheless, it is still difficult to ask for such help. First, we need to recognize that we are limited. Then, we must admit to ourselves the fact that we are not self-sufficient. Lastly, we have to make a public proclamation to those in our social sphere that we are limited and that we require support. In a society that idealizes self-sufficiency and success, this three step process can be quite uncomfortable. We may worry about how others will perceive us and we may feel how the tight restraints of dependency inhibit us from being able to succeed in our own way and at our own pace (which we often want to do perfectly and immediately). Nonetheless, with time, and repeatedly needing to ask for help, it becomes easier to admit our limitations and accept aid.
The biggest obstacle for me has always been the actual asking for help. For a long time, I have known and acknowledged to myself that I have limitations. Certainly, I have allowed myself to negatively ruminate on these thoughts longer than I should, before moving on to seek support. But, even before I take that next step, I become fearful about what others will think of me, if I admit that I need assistance. Will they see through my mighty masquerade? Will they look down on me because of my limitations? Will they sneer at what I have to deal with on a daily basis, making me question the meaning of my lived experiences? However, these worries are grossly out of proportion compared to the reality of responses that people give to my requests. Almost everyone is ready to offer assistance and glad to be able to serve. And, as someone once told me before, people never focus on how they see us as much as we dwell on it ourselves.
Another necessity in this process is knowing that asking for help does not decrease our self-worth. For me, being observed needing help with fundamental functions — such as seeing, walking, and lifting heavy objects — can be humiliating. But, the more that I admit my limitations, instead of trying to hide them under a false blanket of normalcy, the easier it is to accept assistance. The less that I try to disguise my disabilities, the more natural it is to recognize that I do not need to overcompensate for the physical reality that is out of my control. Of course, someone with visual and physical deficits would need assistance with seeing, walking, and other physical tasks.
Similarly, it is understandable that someone struggling at work or school would need coaching and guidance, or that someone mourning the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship would need time to grieve and may be easily triggered by meaningful memories. Once we recognize our limitations as facts of life, and not as a negative reflection on our inherent, individual value, it can become much more palatable that anyone in our circumstances would need help. The fact that we need aid in our given situations does not mean that we are less of a person, it only acknowledges the fact that we are human beings living in a broken world that we cannot control.
Additionally, managing our expectations is key. Once we learn to accept who we are, weaknesses and all, we can start to adapt our expectations to the reality of our daily life. Many times, I have wishfully hoped for something to go according to my plans, as if I did not have vision loss or a physical disability. But, by ignoring my limitations, I only set myself up for a cascade of disappointments. For one, I do not end up succeeding in whatever I had hoped to accomplish. Also, my failure makes me mourn its cause — the disabilities that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Then, I become mad at myself for feeling so sad about my situation. As C.S. Lewis wrote, part of every misery is “the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer” (A Grief Observed). These thoughts lead to a downward spiral of self-pity and sorrow. However, if we do not set such exaggerated expectations for ourselves, but bring ourselves back down to reality, we can start to enjoy the things that we can do and try to find ways to accommodate ourselves in participating in the activities with which we have more difficulty.
Still, that leaves the task of asking for assistance when we need it. I have found that a more gradual approach is best. If we dump all of our problems on someone at once, it can understandably be overwhelming for them, and it may be difficult for them to come to a concrete solution. Often, others are afraid to ask if we need help as well. They may feel that by bringing up our difficulties, they may upset us. However, in her book, Option B, Sheryl Sandberg mentions that, “even people who have endured the worst suffering often want to talk about it.” She also quotes Maxime Williams saying: “The two things that we want to know when we’re in pain are that we’re not crazy to feel the way we do and that we have support.” By developing a trusting friendship over time, two people can both get to know one another better and mutually learn how they can help each other in their individual needs.
Practically, once we take the leap and ask others for help, it is more likely that those people will more readily offer us help the next time that we are in need. It is an exponential cure. The more people we tell, the wider our networks of support will be, and the less often we will have to ask for help down the road because our support system will be there to help in our ongoing times of need.
Sometimes, I have thought that my reservations toward receiving assistance were possibly due to not wanting to impose on others. Seeking help from someone may ask them to go out of their way. It may require them to give more than they normally would. However, this worry is also frequently exaggerated. What we see as severely out of someone’s way, is usually more of a minor inconvenience. And, if the person is genuinely generous, they will readily go the extra mile anyways. So, we should not let a fear of imposing on others be a major driving deterrent in finding help.
Actually, these chances for charity can be opportunities for others to pursue virtue. By asking for help, we can be a reason for someone to do a good deed that day. In being drawn outside of ourselves, we also allow others to be attracted toward doing good. Of course, if we become too dependent upon someone, this habit can lead to vice. But, in moderation, it can be an opportunity for both people to join together in communal virtue, which is also known as friendship.
Additionally, the more that people see us comfortable with, or even find humor in, our struggles, the more easily they will bring them up to us, and it may open them up to offering some insight into their own difficulties too. As Sandberg mentions, once she shared her struggles with grief after her husband’s premature death, others at work started opening up as well. She states that “together, we sent a bunch of elephants stampeding right out of the building” (Option B). By opening ourselves up to others, they may feel more comfortable with sharing their own struggles with us too. It creates an environment in which it is a lot less intimidating to address the elephants in the room. And, who knows, we may find that someone close to us has actually experienced something similar, and that we can share in our struggles together.
These approaches are all based on the truth that we are not our own makers. We are all born with certain talents, but also particular limitations. Many times in life, things happen that are out of our control. The question is: how do we make the most of what we have and how do we choose to respond to the unfortunate events of existence? (à la Frankl.) We can resort to succumbing to our broken natures, or we can live with a realistic prudence in the context of our given situations.
Ultimately, we cannot survive these difficulties without a dependence on God. It is all too common to idealize individualism and rationalism, such that we ignore that “without [God] we can do nothing” (John 15:5). The exaggerated sense of independence that drives our society these days is caused primarily by a ludicrous loss of dependence on our Creator and a radical reliance on our own limited abilities. Contrarily, our life’s purpose is not to try to satisfy our own wants and needs independently, but to be humble enough to accept others’ assistance in our own limitations and to serve others in their struggles. The source of this communal goodness, which ensures, “that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work,” is God Himself (2 Corinthians 9:8). Only by fundamentally being dependent on God can we be reminded of our greater worth and learn to accept others’ help.
Additionally, we can find peace in our struggles by giving to others. If we serve others who are less fortunate than us, likely our limitations will seem to diminish in comparison to others’ struggles. Sandberg notes that “when something terrible happens, it can be important to consider how things could be worse” (Option B). Seeing the reality of others’ sufferings can give us a sense of gratitude for the blessings that we do have. However, our charity should not be pursued merely so that we can feel better about ourselves. Rather, by giving of our time, talent, and treasure, we can work to directly improve the lives of others. Just as others offer their help in our need, so must we help them in their difficulties. For, that is the only way for larger change to happen not only in our lives, but also in our communities and in the world.
When we look around and compare our lives with those of others, it is easy to become disillusioned by our own limitations and struggles. Sentiments of being left out of groups and being abandoned by God can be common. While it is important to mourn our losses, we must also remember that we all have crosses and that it is normal for everyone to need help in various ways throughout life. Still, it can be hard to ask for assistance because we must recognize our weaknesses, admit that we are not self-sufficient, and proclaim our reliance upon others. It can be damaging to our egos to tell others that we need help and for others to see us requiring assistance. But, by aligning our expectations more with reality, acknowledging our dependency can be less jarring.
Additionally, letting others in on our struggles gradually can make the situation easier for both parties. Once we start asking for help, others will be more ready to offer it of their own volition in the future. For, acknowledging the elephant in the room allows everyone to feel more comfortable with asking for and offering help. We must remember that our moments of need are not impositions on others, but rather, opportunities for charity. All of these realities remind us that we are not our own maker and that we are not meant to be totally independent. Primarily, we must depend upon God as our source of strength and hope. We must also acknowledge that what we lack is meant to draw us out of ourselves more, to be able to both receive from and share with our fellow brothers and sisters, in a communal declaration of dependence.
