Only Time Will Tell: Time As the Best Medicine
Why did I get sick? Why did my loved one die? Why did I fail at this goal? Why did that relationship end? The questions of “why me?” and “why now?” may swarm in your head during these and other similar times of difficulty in life. I have asked myself these questions countless times before and someone else recently posed them to me as well. To try to assuage your pain during these times of loss, people may say, “it’s a part of God’s plan” or “you’ll come to know the reason in time.” However, short of being graced with a miraculous abandonment to faith in these words, the questions will likely still nag at your consciousness. At least, I know that they do for me.
In these uncertain times, it can feel as if you are standing on the edge of a crevasse, looking across toward that for which you long — health, a relationship, a job, a certain goal or milestone, etc. Possibly, you even briefly grasped what you desire, but it was taken from you or you lost it, out of the blue. The valley below is that period of confusion and struggle through which you will first have to pass to be able to reach your desired end. Sometimes, as you move forward, it may feel like you are hopelessly floundering ahead, blindly stumbling toward your destination, repeating past mistakes, and never knowing when you will finally see the light. So, what do we do when we are in the depths of these vacuous valleys of vicissitude?
One way that I have found to make it somewhat easier is to normalize your struggle. There are likely other people who before have gone through a similar situation as you (or who have at least tried to get where you are going). If you are ill, find others who have been similarly diagnosed; if you lost a loved one, talk to others who also have been bereaved; if you are struggling at your job or with a certain goal, find others who have gone through a similar period of struggle; if a close relationship has ended, talk to someone who has gotten through a like time as well. By realizing that others have endured comparable trials, you will feel less isolated in your own solitary timeline, and maybe you can even pick up some pointers from those who have eventually made it through before.
Additionally, by reflecting on your own past crosses, you can be emboldened in knowing that you yourself have already made it through a variety of difficult valleys. If you have been ill, lost a loved one, failed, or gone through a rift in a relationship, you can trust in your own abilities to get through another similarly stressful situation, no matter how difficult it may currently feel. However, if it is your first time in this engulfing gorge, you may be understandably disoriented. That is where the helpful counsel of others who have gone through something alike comes in handy. They can teach you how to enact certain habits that helped them to make it through and that can aid you in doing the same.
Likewise, you can remember that there have been previous times of light and joy in your life before. The dark storm clouds of suffering can easily invade your psyche, erasing any evidence of luminescence. However, if we pause for a second to remember positive times, they may provide a breath of fresh air in a time of otherwise overbearing sorrow. It can be hard to think of past pleasantries in times of pain (as I note in a past article); however, by reflecting on our blessings in times of burdens, and our anguish in moments of abundance, the highs and lows of life will more naturally balance each other out.
Giving yourself a break from your trial is also essential. You may not be able to fully escape from your given circumstances; however, any opportunity for distraction or diversion is often welcome. Just as not looking at the clock while on the treadmill seems to make the time go by faster, so can temporarily putting your pain on pause make your difficulty appear to pass more quickly. Or, even though your cross may still be there when you return, intermittent periods of reprieve are necessary for endurance. Whether it be enjoying a hobby, sharing time with a friend, or sometimes even focusing on completing work or a chore, allowing yourself to have some space from your struggles can be refreshing and can allow you to approach it with a new mindset.
You also must not define yourself solely by the difficult circumstances through which you are going. When you feel distraught, it can seem almost impossible to recognize who you are apart from the place in which you presently find yourself. You may come to view yourself only as the sick person, childless, a widow, alone, jobless, or a failure. It is easy to focus on what just happened and to not remember that you were someone before this period and that you will continue to be someone afterward as well. Yes, events can change who you are, but they should not invade your whole persona.
Further, realizing that the situation is not all your fault can be a big relief. Often, when something goes wrong, it can be easy to blame yourself. In some religions and cultures, illness is thought to be a punishment for one’s sins. In a time of mourning someone’s death, you may wonder what you could have done differently for them to still be alive. If you fail at something, you may believe that it was all due to your shortcomings. After a relationship ends, you may become shameful about who you are or question what you said or did incorrectly. However, there are usually numerous factors influencing a given situation. Yes, you may have done something harmful or refrained from doing something good, but it likely wasn’t the only reason that the cards fell as they did. And, sometimes, it is completely out of your control. Yet, you can still blame yourself for all that happened. So, when you feel this way, you must realistically reflect on the size of your contribution to the matter, making amends for what you can, while not forgetting that there are many other influences in a given hardship which you cannot control.
When you take time to realize the singular event in the context of what led up to and what came out of it, you may find some answers to your questions as well. As mentioned before, there are various influences on all the things that happen in our lives. Once some time has distanced you from the crisis, you can more easily reflect on it, in relation to the full course of your life, instead of perseverating on the singular tragedy. Therein, you can come to more clearly see what led up to that deep valley; and, with the help of others, you may be able to start to discern how to rise out of it.
Ultimately, you do need to have an underlying source of faith or hope to be able to make it through any period of uncertainty. For, without it, although you may try to normalize your struggles, to reflect on your past difficulties and your view of yourself, and to seek the advice of others, it will all fall flat without a positive framework. As such, St. Paul remarks that:
“We even boast of our afflictions, knowing that affliction produces endurance, and endurance, proven character, and proven character, hope, and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit that has been given to us.” (Romans 5:3–5)
“But, how can you boast in your afflictions?”, you may ask. Interestingly, the Greek word for boast has at its root “neck,” indicating a sense of holding your head high, with a God-given confidence. It does not indicate a prideful jeering, but rather, a humble tenacity. Seen in this uplifted perspective, we can trust that our struggles, if we bear them with endurance and character, naturally lead us toward hope, which can become a source of light for us in the dim obscurity of difficulty. In this way, our life’s journey can be understood as a sort of exitus reditus, meaning that our strength comes from hope and returns to, or increases, our hope. It is a perpetual cycle. And, this hope does not disappoint because it is given to us by God, through the Holy Spirit, bestowed upon us in baptism.
Still, the struggle of perseverance can berate your already tattered will. After an initial insult, the exhaustion of endurance can almost bring you to your knees. One bad occurrence can seem to start a cascade of crosses. It may appear that you re-experience the same trials over and over again. You may feel as if you are caught in an endless cycle of suffering. However, no matter how silly it sounds, it is always just the dawn before the morning. It may be the longest night of the year, or of your life, but there is always a positive step forward, there is always a way out, there is always a reason to hope. As the oft quoted words of Viktor Frankl state — the last of the human freedoms is:
“to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way . . . Every day, every hour, [you are] offered the opportunity to make a decision, a decision which determine[s] whether you [will] or [will] not submit to those powers which [threaten] to rob you of your very self, your inner freedom.” (Man’s Search for Meaning)
We always have the ability to elect how we respond to something. It can be easy to rashly react or to become decidedly disheartened. However, by renewing our will to power through, and additionally allowing ourselves to share our burdens with others, we can expand the time and space given to healing from a certain trauma.
Throughout any trial, this accompaniment is extremely important. I would argue that the worst thing that anyone can suffer is loneliness. For, all other burdens — illness, death, failure, hopelessness, etc. — if borne alone, are felt tenfold. However, with another by your side, another to give a third party perspective, or another to lend a helping hand, you can make it through more easily. We are social creatures by nature. We are meant to interact with and depend upon each other to survive. If we all lived separate, sheltered lives, we would not be able to last long. Biologically, we need others to be able to sustain our physical bodies and to perpetuate our species. In a psychological sense too, we need others to draw us out of our sorry mental states and to provide positive encouragement and interaction. For the sustenance of our souls, service of and dependence upon others is essential.
Nonetheless, in the end, time is the best medicine. When you are in the heat of the moment, emotions and questions can cloud your view of yourself and of the world. However, if we do not give ourselves time to experience those thoughts and feelings, they will just get shoved deeper down, allowing our wounds to fester and making them more overwhelming down the road. The fact is that we can never know why a certain event occurred until we are far enough away from it to see it in its greater context. As I wrote in a previous article:
“The truth is that you can never see the fruit of something until it has ripened. When you are in the middle of a challenge, pain, or hardship, you cannot understand the full purpose or picture of what you’re going through. It can be hard to step back from your situation to get a better perspective. Many times, all you can do is just try to make it through the tough situation that you are experiencing. The weight of your struggle clouds your vision, putting blinders on you and making you myopic toward the future. Also, we are not omniscient creatures; we cannot see beyond the present moment. Our very nature limits us from knowing what comes ahead, and even if we will make it out alive of our current predicament.”
Living as finite creatures, within the confines of time and space, we are essentially limited in our ability to know why something is happening as it is coming to pass. However, giving something time allows you more opportunity for the dust to settle and for you to find a solution or to seek help. It is like allowing a wine to age — with time, the natural complexity of it comes to fruition, bring a richer experience than could have been had at the start.
For me, continuing to remind myself of this reality has been extremely helpful. I do not have to be frustrated about not immediately understanding why something developed the way it did. I do not have to go crazy analyzing all that occurred, to find what I could have done differently or to identify a solution right away. I do not have to define myself by one event that transpired because often those reductionist beliefs are found to be false, when the full picture of an event comes into focus.
Additionally, sometimes, things even end up working out on their own. The course of time is like a constant river, running through our dark valleys and hewing new, unforeseen paths, steadily smoothing out the rough edges gouged by the intermittent, interruptive floodwaters. In the end, events in life may just happen and we are not able to realize the reason until years later, when we see how it led one door to close and another to open. Nonetheless, these truths can be hard to accept in the moment; and, I too have to keep reminding myself of them almost on a daily basis.
I know a lot of these words may seem cliché. I went into writing this article determined to work toward a novel solution for how to overcome this described discomfort during the times of uncertainty in our lives. I wanted to arrive at an answer that would be independent of proverbial psychological or resounding religious explanations. However, in reflecting through writing, I have again seen that these simple practices are fundamental in helping bring about peace in the midst of a trial. Normalizing your difficulties and reflecting on past struggles and satisfactions can help you to not feel as alone and give you encouragement in your present state. Reminding yourself that you are not defined solely by one event that happens in life and that likely it was not all your fault can help you maintain self-integrity in these times. At the core, you need a source of hope to fuel your perseverance; for, without one, you will easily fall into despair. Thankfully, we have an eternal source of this hope in the Holy Spirit, bestowed through our baptism. Finally, looking at the bigger picture of where you’ve come from and where you’re going can put everything in the proper context. In difficult periods, it can be easy to lose hope and challenging to endure; but, with the help of others, we must take heart in the fact that time truly is the best medicine for healing from life’s struggles because often only time will tell why we’ve had to go through such dark valleys, when we make it out into the light on the other side.
