Taking Control of Your Suffering: Finding Meaning in Versus Giving Meaning to Your Crosses
For a long time, I have heard people say that you have to find meaning in your suffering to be able to better bear it. I believed they meant that to be able to get through a difficult period in life — personal illness, the death of a loved one, the journey toward some goal, or an unforeseen tragedy —you had to find the root cause or an explanation for it. However, many times, in the moment, there may be no discernible reason for our trials. The more that I have searched for an answer to my own struggles, the further I have become confused and despaired. It was not until recently that I came to understand this aforementioned adage in a different way. Especially with the help of psychologist/psychiatrist and Holocaust survivors Edith Eger (author of The Choice) and Viktor Frankl (author of Yes to Life and Man’s Search for Meaning), I was able to realize that this pursuit is not necessarily accomplished by finding the cause of our crosses; rather, it is in giving meaning to our trials that we ourselves are able to offer them a more profound purpose.
We, as humans, are asked the question of the meaning of our suffering; it is not we who direct the query toward life. The answer is specific to each and every one of us and to each individual instance. Therefore, we have a choice about how we respond to this important inquiry posed to us at every moment. This reality brings to light the fact that we all have an irreplaceable role in this world and that it is our responsibility to discover and to fulfill it. As such, we can come to see that suffering is actually necessary for our growth into who we are meant to become. Still, this does not negate the fact that our tribulations will be painful and challenging. Nonetheless, if we want to thrive despite our difficulties, we must remind ourselves that meaning cannot be found solely within suffering itself, but that we can give meaning to our struggles through how we respond to them.
I think that everyone would agree that there are countless examples of seemingly meaningless suffering in this world. Genocide, natural disasters, unexpected illness or death, children raised in broken families, etc. are all undesirable events that appear to occur for no reason at all. The existential question of “why do bad things happen to good people?” or the self-directed angst of “why is this happening to me?” quickly come to mind in these cases. In my own situation of battling pediatric brain cancer and having to live with a left-sided weakness, vision loss, and tinnitus thereafter, I have continually sought answers to these questions as well. I do believe that there is an eternal purpose for the specific sufferings in our lives, as God uses all things for the good of those who love Him (Romans 8:28). Nonetheless, since it is difficult to come to know the ultimate purpose of our pain in the midst of it, and because sometimes we may never fully know the reasons on this side of St. Peter, there must be another way for our crosses to have value during our life journeys. Suffering is such an inherent aspect of the human condition that if it did not bear a purpose, then all of human existence would effectively be pointless.
In his works, Viktor Frankl posits that it is not we who ask what the meaning of our suffering is, but rather, life who offers us the chance to answer. In Yes to Life, he tells us, “it is life that asks the questions, directs questions at us — we are the ones who are questioned! We are the ones who must answer, must give the answer to the constant, hourly question of life.” This idea flips the problem on its head. Instead of life being an endless toil to find an explanation for our pain, we are granted the opportunity to define its significance for ourselves. We are no longer subjected to the imposing expectation of trying to identify a morsel of good in something that is evidently evil. Contrarily, we are afforded the autonomy to create meaning “in spite of everything,” as the subtitle of his book states. However, we are not fully autonomous in our ability to impart significance on suffering. We are not our own makers and so we cannot create meaning out of thin air. Rather, we can provide purpose to our pain, and find true happiness in the midst of it, only when we open ourselves outward toward the world and toward others.
As we are all unique individuals, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the questions that life poses to us. Frankl reassuringly writes that, “at any time we only need to make one decision about how we must answer, but, each time, a very specific question is being asked of us by life” (Yes to Life). We can find peace in that all we must do is respond to each present moment. We do not have to tackle the whole problem of our lives, or of a particular situation or decision, all at once. It can seem daunting to discover the entirety of meaning in a specific period of difficulty. However, if we are overwhelmed by the large lack of an evident explanation, we can be reminded that, “life always offers us a possibility for the fulfillment of meaning, therefore there is always the option that it has a meaning” (Yes to Life). Just because a certain situation does not make sense to us at the time does not mean that it is meaningless. All that we have to do is take each moment on its own and do our best to live in a conscientious way, to provide it with a positive purpose.
Additionally, we ought not compare our suffering with that of others. Frankl states that, “no human suffering can be compared to anyone else’s because it is part of the nature of suffering that it is the suffering of a particular person” (Yes to Life). No matter how much greater or lesser another’s trials appear compared to ours, what truly matters is “[the difference] between meaningful and meaningless suffering” (Yes to Life). When it comes to unavoidable difficulties, we may not be able to control what happens to us or to others. However, what we can modify is how we choose to accept and respond to any situation, in our own way.
It is this choice that supplies meaning to our suffering and to our lives. Our autonomy ultimately lies in our will. We can use our will for good or for evil. Others too can do the same. Nonetheless, whether our struggles arise from the evil will of another or from esoteric fate, we always maintain our ability to will how we react to our circumstances. In his Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl writes the famous phrase: “the last of the human freedoms [is]: to choose one’s attitude in any set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” In his own experiences during the Holocaust — even though all of his material possessions had been taken or destroyed, and even though he had been robbed of his liberty, starved, humiliated, forced into labor, and treated as subhuman — what could not be taken from him, what cannot be taken from us, is our will to choose the good. Seen from the opposite perspective, in recounting her own Holocaust survival story, Edith Eger states, “if you give up the authority of your own choices, then you are agreeing to be a victim — and a prisoner” (The Choice). If we forfeit our ability to choose how we respond to a situation, then we are resigning ourselves to the power of fate. Contrarily, when we are able to supply meaning to our struggles, we can regain a sense of autonomy and purpose.
The realization that we have a unique role in this world, which only we can fulfill, also lends value to our crosses and increases our sense of self-worth. The search for meaning has importance because it “is unique and specific in that it must and can be filled by [each of us] alone” (Man’s Search for Meaning). Since we each are the only one who can actualize the significant potentialities in our lives, we are irreplaceable. We have an important part to play in the drama of history. Only we can decide how to respond to each particular opportunity presented to us. As such, Frankl concludes, “only then does it achieve a significance which will satisfy [our] own will to meaning.” By choosing to respond to our trials in our own meaningful way, we can find fulfillment in our sense of being an autonomous human being.
Both Frankl and Eger agree that it is our responsibility to live out this special duty in the world. Eger writes that, “it’s our responsibility to act in the service of our authentic selves” (The Choice). Our choices ultimately ought to lead us toward the best version of ourselves. She continues: “sometimes this means giving up the need to please others, giving up our need for others’ approval.” Although it may be uncomfortable to go against what we believe that others expect of us, not doing so makes us a prisoner of their perceived will. Nonetheless, it can be terrifying to bear this responsibility of being held solely accountable for our lives. However, Frankl views it in a positive light that, “it is wonderful to know that the future . . . is somehow, albeit to a very small extent, dependent on my own decisions in every moment” (Yes to Life). When our circumstances make us feel out of control, knowing that we can be responsible for something (i.e. how we respond) can provide us with the assurance that we are still able to have some effect on the course of our life.
Eventually, we can begin to realize how our suffering is actually necessary for us to become who we are meant to be. Frankl poses the questions: “What would have become of each of us without our fate? How else would our existence have taken shape and form than under its hammer blows and in the white heat of our suffering at its hands?” (Yes to Life). It can be so easy to fall into asking ourselves the “what if’s”: “What if I had or had not done this?” or “What if that had or had not happened?” However, these mindsets too make us prisoners of our past. Rather, as Eger reminds us, “you can’t change what happened, you can’t change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you will live now.” (The Choice). Our life stories have led us to where we are currently. We cannot go back and change anything, nor will worrying about the future affect our course in any significant way. The most helpful approach is to accept where we are and to respond the best that we can to the present situation of each moment.
Nonetheless, all of this does not disregard the fact that enduring suffering is difficult and painful and that it can continue to cause us ongoing trauma down the road, if not properly dealt with initially. The only way to heal from our sufferings is to allow ourselves to pass through them and to embrace them. Eger describes that, “we walk through the shadow of the valley on our way to the light” and that, “to heal is to cherish the wound” (The Choice). Only once we accept our difficulties and begin to see them as opportunities can we grow and move on. Unfortunately, since suffering is an unavoidable part of the human condition, there will always be more to come. However, “there’s also the opportunity to find a way to suffer less, to choose happiness, which requires taking responsibility for [ourselves]” (The Choice). This is achieved with constant reminders to honor all of who we are — the good and the bad, what we can and cannot control — and to focus more on our why’s than on the how’s of our lives. For, in doing so, we respect who we are and can discover who we are meant to become.
But, what does giving meaning to suffering actually look like? It can seem impossible to take on a positive perspective in the midst of pain and it can be difficult to believe that we will ever rise out of our valleys of difficulty in the midst of them. However, even if we may not be able to control any of our circumstances, there is always the option to choose how we respond. While we bear a particular cross, we must always have hope for some future good — be it the reunion with family or friends, the accomplishment of a goal, a cherished physical comfort, or ultimately, eternal life. This helps us to overcome the negative, cyclical, internal dialogue telling us that this difficult time will never end or that we are not worthy of goodness and meaning. After we have mourned the losses that come with a particular struggle, we can decide to use the situation as an opportunity to grow in virtue — such as patience, kindness, humility, or magnanimity. This approach allows us to bear our struggles for a greater purpose — to become a better friend, sibling, spouse, parent, employee, etc. Additionally, our endurance takes on a redemptive value if we unite it to Jesus’s suffering, doing small things with great love, in the words of St. Mother Teresa. Furthermore, in embracing our particular struggles, it becomes easier to approach and share with others in their own crosses. By accepting our own suffering and affording it the meaning that it deserves, we can help our world to see the difficult things of life through a different light: that it is actually the uncomfortable times that can be the most fruitful and meaningful.
No one truly wants to do anything if it has no significance. We all desire to find value in our lives. However, the perpetual, pervasive problem of purposeless pain plagues our psyche. The truth is that the solution can only be found in our perspective. It is not we who ask what the meaning of our suffering is; rather, we are provided the opportunity to give meaning to every trial that we endure. We all have a unique role in this world, which we have the choice and responsibility to discover and to fulfill. As we continually renew our commitment to this journey, we are reminded that our suffering is actually essential in our becoming who we are meant to be. This process can be uncomfortable and difficult. Nonetheless, in the words of Frankl:
“Life itself means being questioned, means answering; each person must be responsible for their own existence. Life no longer appears to us as a given, but as something given over to us, it is a task in every moment. This therefore means that it can only become more meaningful the more difficult it becomes.” (Yes to Life)
