The Parable of the Parts: The Return of the Prodigal Son and Internal Family Systems
You likely have heard how the parable of the prodigal son goes: There are two sons. One day, the younger son asks their father for his share in the inheritance. This is peculiar because he is requesting it while his father is still alive (which is equivalent to telling his father that he wished that he were already dead). Nonetheless, the father graciously gives the younger son his part. The son goes away to a foreign land and squanders all of the money that he had received. Poor and alone, the son hits rock bottom. He realizes that his father’s paid workers live better than he is currently living. He decides to return to his father and ask to become one of his hired hands, not believing that he is worthy to be called his father’s son anymore. However, upon approaching his father’s house, the father runs to meet him, embraces him, and prepares for him a glorious feast. At the end of the parable, we hear the older son asking what all the celebration is about. When he hears that the return of his prodigal brother has merited this jubilee, he complains to his father that he has never received any such recognition from him, despite having worked ceaselessly for him and never having betrayed him. Finally, we hear the father reply to the elder son, “My son, you are here with me always; everything I have is yours. But now we must celebrate and rejoice, because your brother was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found” (Luke 15:11 — 32).
As with many religious stories that we hear over and over again, we may think that we know them already, and so we stop listening to them as they come up again and again throughout our lives. However, there are many things to be gained from this, and other, parables that are a part of our faith traditions. Two works in particular can concomitantly aid in a deeper understanding of some of these lessons. They are The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen and No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. The first is a personal reflection of a Dutch, Catholic priest on the iconic oil painting of Rembrandt with the same title. The latter is the foundational book on Internal Family Systems (IFS), a psychological technique developed in the 1980s, which adapts various counseling approaches, including Family Systems, to help one heal their traumatized inner parts and find one’s own inner self. While reading these two works, one may find numerous parallels. I would like to make my own allusion between the two writings. While not perfect, I hope that it can bring about further reflection on the messages of the parable of the prodigal son and how it relates to our own lives.
First of all, let us explore IFS further. Richard Schwartz developed the approach after working with families in the counseling style of Family Systems, which helps family members work through issues with the different, and often conflicting, personalities and roles within the family unit. He also spent a lot of his time working with people struggling with eating disorders. As such, he started to identify that there are different “parts” in each individual person too. These various aspects of ourselves are what make up the inner dialogue that we all deal with on the day to day. The categories of parts that he identified are: exiles, managers, firefighters, and the Self. Further, managers and firefighters are combined together under the group of “protectors.” This class of parts is tasked with guarding the inner exiles from escaping and from being injured. Exiles are those shameful parts of us that we hide (e.g. related to a traumatic experience, harmful relationship, etc.); managers keep the exiles locked away and keep everything under control, so that we can function in daily life (e.g. the inner perfectionist, parent, critic, etc.); firefighters are the ones who respond when the exiles get out their holding cell (e.g. addictions, pleasures or hobbies in excess, etc.); and, the Self is our true being, where we can find confidence, calmness, creativity, clarity, curiosity, courage, compassion, and connectedness (called “the eight C ’s”). Schwartz’s psychological approach tries to help people heal their parts, many of whom carry burdens or take on roles that were formed from traumas earlier in one’s life. By acknowledging and mending these parts, one can move toward finding and staying more in their true Self. That is just a brief summary of the very deep field of IFS. If you are interested, I would recommend reading his book.
Back to the allegory between the parable of the prodigal son and IFS. One shortcoming of the comparison is that there is an incongruous number of characters in each respective set. For example, the Biblical parable has three characters: prodigal son, elder son, and father. Contrarily, Schwartz’s psychological tool contains four main components. As I mentioned, they are: exiles, managers, firefighters, and the Self. Therefore, in my analogy, to the parable, I add a fourth character — the forgotten son. I’m not trying to be heretical; I’m just trying to help flesh out the parallels between these two stories. I will do my best to explain the similarities between the two and how they can both help us to discover our true selves. I believe that each of the sons, and each related part, represent a disillusioned belief about oneself. However, once we come to understand that they are false, and we try to replace these notions with the true reality, hopefully we can move closer toward finding our true selves.
The first character to discuss is the fictitious forgotten son. In my view, he correlates with the exiles. Possibly, he is infirm or lame or a recluse. Whatever the case may be in your imagination, he is not really on the family scene. Unfortunately, he cannot contribute to the family farming business. Maybe, he spends the majority of his time in the back room of the house and is cared for by a nurse or the mother. He is not often brought up in conversation because it is either too shameful or too painful to mention him. If we could talk to him, he may tell us how he carries the weight of feeling burdensome, disgraceful, or misunderstood. He may also believe that he is no good, broken, or unlovable. As you may see, these characteristics are very similar to what our inner exiles experience. Based on whatever traumatic situations or harmful relationships we have been in, our exiles become trapped in the misguided lessons that we learned at those times. Often, they remain stuck there and are never fully allowed to process and heal from what they went through. This leads them to believe that we are not essentially good. In turn, we interiorize the beliefs that these exiles hold and carry them with us throughout our lives.
The prodigal son, I believe, pairs well with our inner firefighters. In the parable, we are not told what prompted the younger son to prematurely ask for his share of the inheritance. However, it is clear that it was a radical thing to do. Possibly, the prodigal son was going through something that led him to react in the way that he did. Maybe it was a need to placate his own traumas or maybe he was misguided in believing that his sense of fulfillment and worth could be found in physical pleasures. Nonetheless, we can see that this line of thought did not end well for him. He eventually realized that he could not go on any further in that way. When he hit rock bottom, and decided to plead for his father’s mercy, it is clear that he believed that he did not deserve the goodness of being called his father’s son. Similarly, whenever our exiles try to get out, our “first responders” rush to the rescue with some rash reaction, attempting to numb or to distract us from experiencing the emotions escaping from being bottled up within the exiles. Our firefighters make us believe that our shameful parts do not deserve the goodness of being affirmed and that we should instead drown them out with pleasures.
Uptight, resentful, and proud are a few words that come to mind when I imagine the elder son. These aspects are also present in our managers. Both characters work hard to keep things going smoothly, the former — the family business, and the latter — our psychological state. However, in working so tirelessly, both tend to become closed off from goodness too. They seem to believe that it will never be received, even though we do our best and never stop trying to keep it all together. The older son explicitly says that he has never received the gifts that his returned brother was given after his homecoming. Likewise, our managers can make us compare ourselves to others or they can be our own toughest critics. However, they are only doing that because they want to keep our exiles in line and to not let the shameful parts of us be exposed. Yet, ironically, it is in believing that goodness will never come that we become closed off from receiving it when it does appear.
Lastly, the father and the Self are parallels. The way that Nouwen reflects on the image of the father is profound. He notes the old age and likely blindness of the father, yet how he still portrays understanding, acceptance, and light. The embrace of the father, and specifically his hands, are of important significance. We see an encompassing welcome, supported by a firm, fatherly left hand and a gentle, motherly right hand. Additionally, in the parable, the father does not only embrace the prodigal son, he also invites the elder son to receive all the goodness that is, and has been, all around him. God too invites all of who we are to be healed and to come to the feast. Likewise, the Self is able to encounter and embrace all of our wounded parts — exiles, firefighters, and managers. When we are in Self, we can appreciate our parts for all that they have been through and all that they continue to do to try to keep ourselves together and functioning in our daily lives. However, after acknowledging them, we also have to invite them to the feast. That is, once we are able to identify and heal our parts, they can take on new roles to be positive support, encouragement, and counsel for us, instead of being irrational, exaggerated responders to the triggers of our past.
Another collection of Henri Nouwen’s writings titled “Home Tonight” are also revealing in regards to this topic. This series is named after a question that a mentally handicapped member of the L’Arche community in Canada, in which Nouwen served, used to ask Henri. As a way of asking, “Will you be eating dinner with us?” The resident would always pose the question, “Will you be home tonight?” The author reflects that this simple statement had a much more profound meaning for him, especially on his journey with the L’Arche community. He came to see it as indicating a sense of belonging. All of the characters that I have discussed: the forgotten son/exiles, the prodigal son/firefighters, and the elder son/managers all need a new welcome back into the arms of the father/Self. The truth is that we all deserve this homecoming, no matter what we have been through, what we have done, or what has happened to us. Ultimately, this is rooted in the value and dignity that we are all given by being made in God’s image. The parable of the prodigal son and IFS both talk of a return — to our true personhood as sons and daughters of God, to our former identity before we became stuck in the effects of traumatic events/relationships, and to our deepest sense of who we were made to be.
Both Henri Nouwen and Richard Schwartz give insightful direction into how we can move toward this homecoming. Essentially, this arises from knowing that we are sons and daughters of a loving and merciful God. Psychologically, it starts with recognizing the different parts within us. The exiles (forgotten sons) believe that we are not essentially good. Our firefighters (prodigal sons) show us that we do not deserve goodness. Most managers (elder sons) tell us that we will never receive goodness. However, once we start to identify the significant trailheads in our lives, we can begin to walk down them with our parts and to get to know what led them to be who they are and what more they are able to become. As we are able to find our Self more, we can act as the father to our parts, embracing them and welcoming them back to the fullness of who we are meant to be. Likewise, as we come to stay in our Self more, we can begin to understand that others are dealing with similar struggles with their own inner parts. By realizing that we are all acting out of the interdependent interactions of our parts, we can react less harshly and more empathetically toward others by giving others the benefit of the doubt and trying to help them encounter their parts and their true Self. This is accomplished by welcoming them home and celebrating their unique journey with them.
