Pristine Cuisine

6 Recipes to Wrinkle Your Digestive Tract

Looking for new meal ideas?

Sometimes the most undesirable dishes demand to be desired. Photo by Rashed Paykary on Unsplash

Need a recipe in a pinch? Look no further! These original recipes are to die for, some more literally than others, but if it’s all the same to you, have a quick scroll and find a recipe that suits you in your search for compromising your health!

Meat Pie

This carnivorous cuisine is any meat lover’s dream. Everything from the bacon to the immaculate use of the sausage makes this a must for any small house party.

Ingredients:

6 packages of bacon

1 1/2 lbs of ground beef

4 packages of deli meat (pepperoni, ham, salami, etc.)

1 package of Italian sausages

Instructions:

1. Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Using a pie dish, cover the base and sides with bacon.
3. Insert the ground beef, and spread across the surface of bacon on the base.
4. Layer various deli meats on the ground beef until the inside of the pie is level with the top of the pie dish.
5. Layer remaining bacon on top like a regular pie, similar to lattice.
6. Slice the sausages length-wise down the centre. Use each half to create a “crust” along the pie dish perimeter.
7. Put in the oven at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 25 minutes.
8. Let cool for 10 minutes before consumption.

Serves 8. Consider checking your blood pressure or seeing your local cardiologist if necessary.

Coolidge as a Cucumber

This side dish goes with any salad, especially in the summer. Refresh your palate with cucumber so new and fresh that you’ll forget that there was even a main course to go with it.

Ingredients:

1 cucumber

Instructions:

1. Get into character as Jennifer Coolidge.
2. Talk to the cucumber with that thick Boston accent.
3. Show the cucumber who its real mother is.
4. Disown the cucumber like it’s your child.
5. Let it cool for 7–19 minutes.

Serves as many as show up to your pool party.

In-salted Ketchup

This dip recipe is to die for. It may be a smidge salty, but its texture and flavour set it apart.

Ingredients:

1 bottle of Heinz Ketchup

2 1/2 pinches of table salt

An attitude

Instructions:

1. After purchasing a bottle of Heinz Ketchup, allow it to cool in your fridge for 20–58 hours.
2. Remove the ketchup from your fridge.
3. Add the salt.
4. Emotionally berate the salt-infused ketchup.
5. Make it generate condensation with your words.
6. Shake the bottle for 30 seconds, and it’s ready to use.

Recommended for carbonated beverages, various seafood, and raw chicken.

Interrogated Chicken

This culinary display of passion evokes the importance of a refined barbecue skill set. This recipe in particular brings out the true fire within the chef.

Ingredients:

4 lbs of chicken

1L of your firstborn’s tears

Instructions:

1. Gaslight your firstborn child into believing they have done something that crosses a line, and collect their tears for the marinade.
2. Baste the chicken in the marinade, and let it soak in overnight in your fridge.
3. Pull the chicken out, and grill it with an intense line of questioning.
4. Once the chicken has been emotionally deflated from your interrogation, it is ready for consumption.

Serves that kid right.

Candied Bacon

It’s every kid’s dream, and the nightmare of those who experience heart attacks, yet the whimsical nature of this recipe never fades away.

Ingredients:

As much bacon as your heart desires (or can handle)

4 cups of a mix of various candies (M&M’s, Haribo Gummy Bears, jelly beans, etc.)

1 L of chocolate syrup

Instructions:

1. Baste the bacon in the chocolate syrup.
2. Drench the chocolate-covered bacon in the candy slurry.
3. Set each strip aside.
4. Wait 17–39 minutes for the chocolate to solidify before consumption.

Serves heart complications.

Pickled Apples

How do you like these apples? They’ll keep more than just the dentist away for a day, they’ll keep dieticians at bay as well.

Ingredients:

1 bag of apples

Instructions:

1. Take your bag of apples to your local pickleball court.
2. Use each apple as a pickle ball, until practically perfectly pickled properly and ready for consumption.

Serves aces.

Guns ’n’ Roses had an Appetite for Destruction and Copyright Chaos had an Appetite for Intoxication, but I hope that readers of this have found a state of euphoria in their appetite for eviscerating their vital organs.