SATIRE
A Secret Transcript of Trump Watching Steve Kerr’s DNC Speech on TV
Evidently, Michael Jordan and Steve Kerr have never won anything
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Steve Kerr, Coach of the U.S.A. Olympic Basketball Team and the Golden State Warriors, addressed the Democratic National Convention the other night. We obtained a secret transcript of Trump watching the speech along with Corey Lewandowski, one of his campaign advisors.
Crowd: U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A
Trump: Lewandowski get in here! They’re stealing our chant! We have that copywrited! I want a lawsuit filed tomorrow. Take it to the Supreme Court if you have to.
Lewandowski: Will do, sir. Supreme Court. Got it.
Steve Kerr: It is so fun to be back here in the United Center and as you guys know a lot of good stuff has happened in this building, especially in the 90s. You young people can Google Michael Jordan and you can read all about it.
Trump: Lies. Fake news. Everybody knows that that the Knicks won six titles in seven years. Six of them. Actually, I think it was all seven. And they beat Michael Jordan every year. Michael Jordan never won anything. Neither did this guy.
Steve Kerr: The last time I was in a packed basketball arena was in Paris, France, nine days ago, some of the best players on earth, 12 incredible American men came together to win Olympic Gold. And the next night, I was back in that same building watching 12 more of the best players on earth. Our incredible American women doing the same thing.
Trump: They have women’s basketball in the Olympics now? Total travesty. Besides, I thought Putin had locked up all those women basketball players in Russian prisons — where they should be.
Steve Kerr: And when we won, the American flag raised to the rafters, the national anthem playing, gold medals draped around the necks of our players, it was the proudest moment of my life.
Crowd: U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A
Trump: Lewandowski, lawsuit!
Lewandowski: Yes sir, right away.
Steve Kerr: I know very well that speaking out about politics these days comes with risks.
Trump: Yes like getting a nickname from me. I think I’ll call him Cretin Kerr. Yeah, Cretin Kerr. Now that he has a nickname, no one will ever listen to anything he says.
Steve Kerr: I believe in a certain kind of leadership, I believe that leaders must display dignity.
Trump: There’s nothing more dignified than eating a Trump Steak for dinner while wearing gold Trump sneakers.
Steve Kerr: I believe that leaders must tell the truth.
Trump: I always tell the truth. It’s true if you believe it!
Steve Kerr: I believe that leaders should be able to laugh at themselves.
Trump: I laugh, don’t I, Lewandowski?
Lewandowski: Yes, sir, there’s a picture of you laughing that one time back in 2000 with Epstein.
Steve Kerr: I believe leaders must care for and love the people they are leading.
Trump: Lewandowski, what are those words he was saying that began with C and L?
Steve Kerr: I believe leaders must possess knowledge and expertise, but with the full awareness that none of us has all the answers.
Trump: Except if it’s me. Because I have all knowledge. I alone have all the answers.
Steve Kerr: And shouldn’t you want those same qualities in your president? And when you think about it that way, this is no contest.
Trump: Oh I get it. This guy is supporting me!
Steve Kerr: The joy, the compassion, the commitment to our country that we saw at the Olympics. That is what Kamala Harris and Tim Walz have.
Trump: Wait, he’s for them, not us? Lewandowski, get that cheating NBA ref Donaghy on the phone. Let’s make sure the Warriors go 0 and 82 under Cretin Kerr this year.
Steve Kerr: Think about what our team achieved with 12 Americans in Paris, putting aside rivalries to represent our country. Now, imagine what we could do with all 330 million of us playing on the same team.
Trump: We only needed 11,000 votes in Georgia — 11,000 votes. Not 330 million. And Raffensperger wouldn’t admit he had ’em in a pickup truck outside his office.
Steve Kerr: Americans know the greatness of this nation doesn’t come from any one of us, but from each of us doing our part to build a more perfect union.
Trump: Borrr-ing.
Steve Kerr: It’s why I’m here tonight and it’s why I’ll be getting out every day to help people get out and vote on November 5th and elect Kamala Harris and Tim Walz as the next president and vice president of the United States. And, and after the results are tallied that night, we can, in the words of the great Steph Curry, tell Donald Trump night night!
Trump: zzzzzzz.
Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this story, please follow me. If you liked this one you may also like Donald J. Trump’s First Medium Piece: “How I Stay So Humble, or Trump’s Second Term Will Feature Five Made-for-TV Events.
