Last ban standing
Another Tragic Mass Booking
Run for cover, boys and girls
School librarian Doris Smith slips into the Pleasantville High School freshman wing through a side door, armed with a military-grade book cart and a large-capacity magazine of banned paperbacks.
She moves intently down the hall, stopping at the door to Mr. Finkelstein’s American Lit class. There, impressionable 9th graders are discussing The Yearling, that provocative, cutting-edge classic about a boy and his fawn.
Doris turns the knob and steps in, pushing her cart into the room. Mr. F. has just asked Jesse, the class stoner, what he thinks the book’s theme is. Jesse has no fucking idea, as usual. He turns his blank stare toward the door.
“Heymssmith,” he mutters, three monotone words blurring into one. He and Doris have formed an unlikely bond; she lets him cut class in the library once a week, where he pretends to read and she hopes he’ll stop pretending one day.
Without a word she starts hurling books at the students. The Catcher in the Rye, To Kill a Mockingbird, and I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings go flying across the room. Some students are hit in the head, others in the chest. They fall to the ground, wincing in pain.
Those who aren’t hit dive under their desks, where books ricochet off the floor and glance off their foreheads. The Color Purple, The Handmaid’s Tale, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn…it’s a relentless barrage of banned book-fire.
Mild-mannered Mr. Finkelstein, sensing that his nightly hero-fantasy of disarming an active shooter may finally come to pass, summons what little courage he has and confronts the attacker.
“Doris! What the…”
She flings Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone at him, hitting him square in the stomach.
“Owwwwww!”
He doubles over dramatically and scurries under his desk.
As soon as the kids realize they’re not dead they start leafing through the books.
At that moment school safety officer Jethro Barnes enters the room, his gun drawn for the first time ever. He’s been rehearsing his hero-fantasy of neutralizing an active shooter every night for years. Vice Principal Karen White follows closely behind, her heels clicking furiously.
Doris is about to chuck Brave New World at the goth girl cowering in the corner, but stops and heaves a sigh.
“Put the gun down, Jethro,” she says, rolling her eyes.
“Doris, drop that book or ELSE!” White bellows, like a school administrator who’s used to being ignored. Which is pretty much what she is.
Doris and Jethro face off, each still brandishing their weapon.
“Or else WHAT, Karen? Are you going to have Jethro shoot me? We’re talking about words on a page here. What are you afraid of?”
“Those books are controversial, they’re not suitable for our children.”
“You hear that kids?” Doris asks, addressing the students who are now actively reading the subversive texts. “She doesn’t think you guys are capable of deciding what to read.”
The kids love that the grownups are fighting; they love even more that Ms. Smith is on their side.
“What’s the big deal?” says Leroy, through his shaggy, blond bangs. He points to a gold Pulitzer medallion on the cover of To Kill a Mockingbird. “This one here won some kinda prize. Doesn’t that mean it’s good?”
“Well, I…” White stammers, then regains her hysteria. “In that one, a black man rapes a white woman, and then is shot by police when he tries to escape. It’s very disturbing.”
Everyone stares at Jethro. He re-holsters his pistol.
Doris claps back. “He doesn’t RAPE her. He is unfairly accused and put on trial. The story is about the sympathetic white attorney who does his best to defend the man and shield him from the racist townspeople. And it’s told through the eyes of a 10-year-old child. Is that what’s disturbing to you, Karen? That these kids might learn that racism is actually a thing? Or that if they read about gays they might decide to become one?”
The kids erupt into hysterical laughter and start to hoot and holler.
“Go Ms. Smith!” “Woo hoo!” “Yeah, Ms. S.!”
Jethro pulls his pistol out again and starts waving it around. “Quiet, all of you!”
“They’re…they’re…inappropriate!” White yells. “We need to shield our kids from these disturbing stories. They need to be protected!”
“Well the best way to do that is for Jethro to put his gun away before someone gets hurt.”
Jethro reluctantly re-re-holsters his firearm. Doesn’t look like his nightly hero-fantasy will be coming to pass.
“Kids, place all the books that Ms. Smith shot at you back on Mr. Finkelstein’s desk,” White commands. At this, Mr. F. crawls out from beneath his hiding place.
“Nope. We’ll drop them off at the library after we’re done reading them,” Jesse says, clearly articulating each word. Doris beams at him.
White points her finger at Doris. “Wait until their parents hear about this,” she warns.
“Why don’t you call 911 and report it, Karen? Maybe set up a reunification center at the church? Can’t wait for the thoughts and prayers to start rolling in.
“God forbid these kids are exposed to ideas that you and the narrow-minded idiots on our school board don’t approve of. Heaven help us if they grow up to be anti-racist. Or gay,” she continues, her voice dripping sarcasm. “Will you blame ME? And the books they took out of the school library?”
She rolls her eyes and turns to walk out of the room, tossing Brave New World to White.
“Here. You’ve got some homework to do.”
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