HOLLYWOOD VIEWED FROM AFAR
Award Category Suggestions for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences
Direct from an expert panel of geezers
It’s damn near impossible for those of us with one foot in the grave to find a good movie. We know Hollywood types screwed up movies when they added sound and color. Most of what masquerades as entertainment is no better than a bushel of rotten tomatoes. And noting statuettes awarded is no help whatsoever.
Movie awards are too subjective. Do we really need to rely on the opinions of a bunch of actors and filmmakers to tell us what’s best?
Of course not! Why let anyone’s opinion be the basis for selecting award winners? Let’s classify the jetsam and flotsam that flow out of Hollywood to provide awards based on factual accounting of what is actually in the movie. It’s not a difficult task and will provide a much better idea of which movies we’d like to see.
Without further ado, here are the categories.
Best Skin
The award for most undressed screen time with bonuses for full frontal nudity.
Best Screenlay
Most sex acts and/or most screen time used to depict sex acts.
Best Depiction of Unsafe Casual Sexual Practices
Without reference to STDs, of course.
Best Loose End
Why did they let the woman go? How did the hero know to look there? What happened to the driver? Were we just left hanging? Did you leave the scene with the explanation on the virtual cutting room floor? Perhaps this award should be called Best Insult to the Viewer’s Intelligence.
Best Drug Use
To win this award, use must be depicted without regard to declining mental and physical health, economic ruin, or worse.
Best Dark Portrayal of a Socioeconomic System
Communism, Socialism, Capitalism (the “Isms”), Monarchy, Theocracy, Feudalism, Anarchy, and many more…or make one up! Preference will be given to films that indicate some other system is perfect.
Best Dialog Lost In Translation
This foreign film award goes to the movie which has subtitles with the best altered the meaning of non-English dialog. “Without further ado” does not mean “Without father, adieu.”
Best Visual Destruction
Everyone loves an explosion! But some are much better than others, and many are just loud balls of flame. This award goes to the film with instances of somewhat believable carnage where the viewer feels some empathy for the owner of the destroyed house, ship, or car. Computer Graphic destruction of cities and worlds is not considered due to human limits regarding comprehension of extreme devastation.
Best Disregard for Human Life in a Serious Film
This award is unfortunately subjective. Factually accurate war movies do not qualify. Slapstick violent murders also do not qualify. Body count alone is not sufficient to win the award. Depravity must be present.
Best Fucking Picture
The award is given to the numerically greatest uses of the term “fuck” in all its forms. Bonus multipliers are provided for depiction encouraging usage in kindergartens and nursery schools. Bonuses are also awarded for using the term anachronistically.
Best Gore
The award takes into account realism, dismemberment, and blood volume. Bonuses are awarded for documented incidents of theatergoers vomiting.
And the Most Coveted and Most Important Award
The big one…Best Grossing Movie of The Year $$$$$. This is what movies are all about. Eliminate any subjectivity and just count the dollars.
We on the panel look forward to the presentation of these new awards. But we expect the acceptance speeches will be much more interesting.
If you are geezer, please add your suggestions for additional awards. Do so even if you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you don’t qualify.
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