Brainwashington
Can We Cut the Cap Crap?
They will stop at nothing
News has broken that the Washington Capitals have commenced their attempt at global domination by purchasing the extremely helpful site for hockey nerds called CapFriendly. Yeah, CapFriendly. It’s sort of like the way their fans call them the Caps. I wonder why any organization called the Washington Capitals would buy a website called CapFriendly… seems a little suspicious.
Washington’s mind games have been around for a while:
- We sometimes type in all-caps to assert a much more aggressive tone.
- If someone is capping, it means they are telling a falsehood.
- There’s caproic acid that looks bland but is full of fat and wax.
- Even worse — capitalism! Control is privatized under a motive to make a profit.
What do all these cap words and concepts have in common? They all have a morally questionable connotation to them all, and Washington has brainwashed us all to use their methods in our daily lives!
This is beyond hockey at this point. This indicates that the Washington Capitals are prepared for a higher form of global domination. They’ve Capped this and Capped that, and the last straw was their purchase of CapFriendly. They have made some CapEnemies along the way, but nothing can stop this organization. They will cap everything until they create CapWorld.
The Washington Capitals will go so far as to put a cap on the world. Not just a cap on everyone’s head whether they like it or not, but they will limit space travel to just once a CapYear.
They will corner the breakfast market with Cap Crunch, which fools the hockey minds with the clever name, despite it being an obvious knock-off of Cap’n Crunch. If you aren’t drinking Capri Sun or watching Capote starring Philip Seymour Hoffman, you will be exiled from CapWorld.
Anyone who pursues any kind of creative endeavor in CapWorld, must adhere to the following restrictions:
- Video editors will be restricted to only using CapCut.
- Guitarists must use Capos at all times.
- Everything will be measured per Capita, even when it doesn’t make sense to use that as a metric.
Beyond that, the only mode of traffic will be Capsules. People must Capriole if they aren’t using a Capsule, or they will be sent to the CapSlammer for 5–18 CapYears depending on the lack of effort.
They will use the brightest CapScientists to mesh together the DNA of a Capybara, a Capuchin, and Cape Ghost Frog creating the most fearsome animal ever: the Capymonkeyfrog. Many CapPsychics today predict that the Capymonkeyfrogs will be bred in CapTivity, but will become the dominant species in CapWorld.
This is the kind of struggle the human race will be forced to live with if we don’t make an effort to stop them. Our captors are here, and we know what they’re capable of.
