HAD US FOOLED
Chester the Serial Cheater’s Excuses
These cats ain’t loyal
Of all the mascots to become embroiled in an infidelity scandal, nobody should have been shocked it was that greasy, cheesy-fingered bipedal cartoon cat named Chester. Yet, perhaps wishing to believe in his air-fried, oven-baked purity, we all collectively ignored the signs each time he was questioned. Let’s look back at a few excuses that tasty fucker fooled us with.
“If you ain’t cheatin’, you ain’t tryin’.” — Chester
His P.R. team worked overtime to correct reports that Chester said “cheatin’,” and not “cheetah.” And society, in its growing distrust of print media, gobbled up that apology faster than they did the crunchy snack he represents. Little did we know, he was cheatin’, and he was tryin’ to hide it.
“I’m too cheesy for just one squeezy.” — Chester
His sit-down interview that left crumbs all over Barbara Walter’s easy chair went viral almost immediately with this quote as the headline, and yet, somehow, he slithered out of facing the music by distracting everyone with the launch of the satisfyingly spicey Jalapeno chips. Late-night hosts mocked his self-given nickname — Puff Daddy — and his dutiful partner insisted their love life be kept private. But were Chester’s privates his alone? Certainly not, as we’d later find out.
“Monogamy is too cheesy for this cat.” — Chester
This one hurts. It was right in front of us. Why was a snack representative discussing monogamy? Was Chester even drawn with reproductive organs? But we were too in love with his delectable snack to consider “cheesy” anything but a compliment. And how could there exist a concept of too much cheese? Cheet-d’oh! For a few weeks after this statement, apparently, Chester was sent to the African savanna to get some of his horny out. Photographers made attempts to capture him there, but it turns out Cheetahs really are the fastest land animal.
“C’mon baby, no one will see us between these couch cushions.” — Chester
Overheard and recorded by a rival snack mascot at a Miami Beach club and sold to TMZ, apparently, Chester’s go-to move was to suggest that cheetahs and Cheetos both like to slip between couch cushions and secretly cheese up the place and that there was no chance of being discovered. Chester’s comment on the story to TMZ, “Man can not live on Triscuits alone,” left the country shaking its head in confusion and once again caused his PR team to put out their own statement: “The presence of orange delicious Cheeto dust in between cushions is not proof that Chester was at your residence. Perhaps you fell asleep watching SNL while eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos. Do those empty beer bottles mean Samuel Adam’s spent the night as well?”
“I ain’t lion, I’m a cheater. I mean cheetah.” — Chester
After months of undergoing image rehabilitation by having him pose with several gazelles as if to say, “I’m completely in control of my baser instincts,” almost immediately, Chester launched this faux pas bigger than his actual paws. You know what they say, “when a walking talking cartoon character tells you who they are, believe them!”
For the umpteenth time, we all sort of let Chester off the hook for this one, even after he dropped his shades and winked at us as if to say, “I know what I said.” None of America was ready to accept what it meant for our love of Cheetos if it turned out Chester was who he seemed to be. So we turned a blind eye to that suave feline, only to have our hearts broken when just the following week, he dropped this public statement:
“I have been unfaithful.” — Chester
No longer able to write off his eccentricities or make excuses for his play-cat lifestyle, most of us finally accepted the truth about the big dawg. But still, some remained in doubt.
“Big snack is out to get him.”
“This is a takedown by leftwing media.”
“Who cares? He’s made with real cheese, right?”
All in all, the scandal rocked America for the thirty seconds it took for Chester to be canceled and replaced with a starfish. Why a starfish? “They can self-replicate,” said a spokesperson.
“How lame,” — added Chester while being interviewed at a night zoo.
