GRAND OPENING
Conspiracy World Theme Park
Follow the Reality Highway north to the Delusions exit
We are pleased to announce the opening of Michigan’s latest conspiracy theory theme park: Conspiracy World, home of the Marjorie Taylor Greene Space Laser Light Show.
Conspiracy World is ninety miles north of Detroit in the “Thumb”, so-called because, on a map, it looks like the thumb on the Lower Peninsula’s “mitten.”
A vast, flat farming region, the Thumb is also home to America’s conspiracy theory wonderlands.
The first, built in 1980, is MoonHoax Land. On it’s most popular ride, visitors dress up as astronauts, board a mockup of the Apollo lunar module, and ride it down onto the soundstage where the 1969 moon landing was faked. Guests are photographed while walking on the “lunar surface”; the pictures can be purchased later at the Capricorn One Cafeteria. They can also purchase a plastic “moon rock” to have personal proof that the moon landings were a hoax.
The next park, established in 1995, is the Area 51 Adventure Resort. Guests ride “flying saucers” which whirl around a fifty foot pylon on cables. They‘re driven in Army hummers to a field to see a UFO crash site, complete with alien body parts. The highlight is the Abduction Experience. Some time after guests bed down for the night at the resort, a wall suddenly drops away, aliens bustle in, attach a harness to each guest, and haul them up the “mother ship.” Once there, the aliens poke and prod them, snip their hair to get DNA for interspecies breeding, and make them swallow alien microchips disguised as Skittles®. The aliens will also probe their body cavities for an additional fee.
Then came Birther World. Its biggest attraction is a safari ride through a replica of the Kenyan village where Barack Obama was born. It includes a tour of the actual grass hut where Black Muslim Marxists created Obama’s counterfeit Hawaiian birth certificate — which visitors can buy later at the Souvenir Shop.
Last year’s addition was CovidScam. At the main building, visitors tour exhibits showing Bill Gates creating the coronavirus at a laboratory in China. And of Dr. Fauci using it to take away Americans’ freedoms.
At another exhibit, people eat a Twinkie containing a one-day vaccine, then walk through a booth which proves it magnetized them: they pick up a steel spoon; it stays connected to them so long as they hold it. Another booth shows the vaccine rewriting their DNA: visitors watch a computer screen which shows their DNA being re-sorted in real time from “ACGTCGTAGTAC”, etc., into “YOUARENOWINFERTILE.”
As for rides, the most popular one starts with visitors being infected with the coronavirus by exposure to 5G signals. Then they’re cured by taking an exciting Log Flume ride which splashes down in a pool of water, Lysol®, and hydroxychloroquine. They’re dried from the inside out with intense lights inserted into their orifices. Offered a tasty ivermectin smoothie. Then are briefly bunched together to gain herd immunity.
“Con-theory” theme parks are immensely popular. The reason is obvious. Conspiracists know their theories are valid. But they’re understandably disappointed with never having experienced the conspiracies, nor seen or handled any physical evidence.
The theme parks supply all those things. Visitors can see authentic re-enactments of their favorite conspiracies, performed in actual replicas of the settings by real impersonators of the participants. For conspiracists, it’s rapturously validating. And the price of admission is reasonable.
Great as the previous parks are, Conspiracy World tops them all.
In the morning, visitors take the New World Order Railroad ride. They’re herded into miniature railroad cattle cars and hauled to a FEMA concentration camp. Upon arrival, BATF agents confiscate their firearms while black United Nations helicopters spray chemtrails overhead. They’re hustled into a hall and brainwashed by minions of the New World Order, a transnational totalitarian regime composed of Freemasons, the Illuminati, the Trilateral Commission, Rotarians, Kiwanians, and National Public Radio. Afterwards, they receive an NPR tote bag.
It’s been a full morning; the visitors need lunch. They can chow down in any of a dozen pizzerias, each with a cabal of Satan-worshipping elites plotting in plain sight to steal the blood of small children.
Next up is the Venezuelans of the Caribbean ride. Boats carry guests past dioramas showing animatronic Venezuelans stealing votes with John Deere ballot harvesters. And their Antifa allies emptying sacks of Trump votes into the lagoon; riders can fish them out and keep them as evidence of election rigging. Finally, the boats pass through the insides of a giant Smartmatic voting machine, where they see it switch Trump votes to Biden votes with their own eyes.
In the evening, guests attend the Marjorie Taylor Greene Space Laser Show. It’s a dazzling display of colored lights, accompanied by Kid Rock and Ted Nugent songs, which concludes with a laser setting a nearby forest on fire.
Thrilling as those rides are, the most awesome is the Ginni Thomas Haunted Mountain. A roller coaster takes guests on a wild ride through a giant mock-up of Ginni’s tortured mind. Riders are whipsawed between images of paranoia, persecution, and delusions. Along the way, they encounter animatronic inhabitants of Ginni’s brain. Tucker Carlson, Rudi Giuliani, Alex Jones. Mark Lindell fluffing a pillow. Sidney Powell petting her Kraken. And a host of villains — the Biden crime family, fake-stream reporters, social media cancel-culture mongers, Dr. Fauci, Mike Pence — languishing on Gitmo prison barges while awaiting trial and execution for sedition. This ride is hugely entertaining. There’s just one problem. The roller coaster has a tendency to jump the tracks.
Finally, the weary visitors are ready to head home. But not before stopping at the Gift Shop for souvenirs. They can purchase forensic audit coloring books. Biden ballots with bamboo bits in the paper. Mouse pads used on Hunter Biden’s laptop. And a best seller, printed copies of Hillary emails.
