WHEN PLEASE NO LONGER WORKS

Don’t grow old without it

Thomas Pease

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Doctor Funny

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2 min read

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Mar 29, 2024

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• I need to exercise my prostate to keep it healthy. It’s all about remaining cancer-free.
• It’s natural to have more sex as we age. In nature, it’s known as an extinction burst, the instinct to preserve the species.
• The average life expectancy is 78. I’m 60. That means you only have 6,570 more nights to have sex with me.
• Sex keeps the appendage functional. What do you mean, let’s not? Explain.
• The dog is demanding the couch, so I have nowhere else to sleep.
• It’s healthier to fall asleep after a workout than after a big meal.
• Our doctor prescribed regular activity to reduce cholesterol and blood pressure. No, going for a walk together does not produce the same benefits.
• It exercises the core without having to do planks.
• Sex will give purpose to your yoga practice.
• It could pre-empt the onset of one of your headaches.
• It’s cheaper than a restaurant.
• What else are we going to do in bed, Sudoku?
• Weren’t you just going to lie back and close your eyes anyway?
• I might pause my fantasy football league.
• We no longer have to stop to put on a condom. But we might need to stop if my heart monitor goes off.
• We no longer have to be quiet because of the kids. But if we’re too loud, the caregiver might think we need assistance.
• This way, K-Y doesn’t always have to be a question demanding further explanation.
• When we communicate through sex, my selective hearing disappears.
• There’s no longer any chance I’ll ask if we can go a second time.
• Flannel jammies can remain on.
• Compression socks cover my sharp toenails.
• It feels way better than a catheter insertion.
• Thrusting isn’t a possibility; I risk dislocating my artificial hip.
• Slow and gentle so we don’t knock the prescription bottles off the headboard.
• Don’t worry. We don’t need to go there. That’s only for suppositories now.
• We now have grab bars in the shower.
• If the incontinence meds don’t work, we can pretend we’re still young and call it a golden shower.
• I think we last had sex on my 57th birthday. By the way, I turn 61 tomorrow.
• I love you. Still.